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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect a text after we slept together?

606 replies

BigOCupOfTea · 25/10/2015 13:43

So I've been seeing a guy for around a month and we had our fifth date and I stayed at his and we slept together.

We both left early as he had work.

He would have finished work by now and I've heard nothing from him.

Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
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IfNotNowThenWhenever · 26/10/2015 09:49

Im a dater of the 90s too...except, no,im not, because there really wasnt dating in the 90s ime.
I was young, i'd get a crush on a guy I knew, get drunk at a party, sleep with him, move in with him, then he would be my boyfriend.
Its different now, with online dating, and its different when you are older.
Personally I dont stay in contact several times a day, and I do prefer to talk on the phone, rather than text, but thats probably my age.
When I was 25 I would have passionately agreed with the "its all equal, men are people too " argument. I would have taken umbrage at the very idea that any woman had to wait around for a text, and couldnt make the first move.
But, actually, men and women are generally a bit different in the way they perceieve sex and relationships. It isnt good to be one of those women who expects "comittment" from every guy she meets, but many women find it difficult to seperate physical intimacy and emotions.
I know I do, whereas most men I know can easily compartmentalize between sex just for fun with women they are definitly not in love with, and meaningful encounters.
The trouble is, they dont always make it clear which they think it is. A good friend of mine was dating a woman for a while, and took her for an impromptu weekend in Paris. While he was saying to his friends it was just a casual thing, and probably not going anywhere, she must have been thinking something quite different.
Sorry, I am the biggest feminist ever, and maybe the difference is socially constructed, but it is there. It is annoying though. When I did online dating nobody I "liked" first messaged me. Ever. Tons of "likes" and messages from men (honest!) but never if I made the first move. Infuriating.

< starts contrusting banner for the Not Sure if Men Are People Too Actually Party.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 26/10/2015 09:51

CONSTRUCTING. spelling fail

Bakerooney · 26/10/2015 10:00

What ifnotnow said. Amazing post.

I'd only add that IME men like to feel in control and the persuers. That may not be actually the case but women can do a good job of making them believe like they are!

Axekick · 26/10/2015 10:14

That's the problem

Not all men want to feel like the persist though. Thy may be getting advice from friends that says 'don't text too quickly and come across as needy'

Dating is a minefield, I will give you that and actually made a little more complicated because there is no set ettiquette.

But I am like this in all relationships with anyone. If I am wondering why someone has been in touch, I would message or call them and leave the ball in their court.

Axekick · 26/10/2015 10:16

persuer not persist Grin

TeapotDictator · 26/10/2015 10:31

Pursuer, even Wink

DiscoDiva70 · 26/10/2015 10:34

Call me old fashioned but, in my opinion, if the OP has been on a few dates and got to the stage where she's felt comfortable enough to get her clothes off and shag this guy, then she should feel able to actually CALL him and speak personally to him. If he's not interested then she'll soon know by his response.

All this fucking about with her posting on here, and becoming paranoid because he's not texted her after a few hours is ridiculous to say the least!
Also, text messages can be misinterpreted anyway. maybe the OP will come back and ask everyone to analyse his text next ffs

Axekick · 26/10/2015 10:45

teapot thank you (that's a genuine thank you not a PA one)

I am dyslexic and rely on autocorrect far too much. Really appreciate it so I can correct I future Thanks

HackerFucker22 · 26/10/2015 11:19

In the grand scheme of things I don't give a shiny shit what happens.... I posted I initially on page 1 or 2 and asked a question... (how did they leave things when they parted the morning after sexy times) but 22 pages show that people kind of do care???

AdjustableWench · 26/10/2015 11:46

Sounds to me like the sexual double standard is still alive and kicking.

The last time I was in a similar situation the man in question texted me from work a couple of hours after we parted, and I was glad he did, although if he hadn't contacted me I'd have texted him first. I'm aware that many people 'play games' and the 'rules' keep changing, but I just find it easier to take people at face value and see what happens.

I hope the OP and her partner both find whatever they're looking for.

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 26/10/2015 12:16

Not surprised OP hasn't returned.

What a horrible lot you can be!

DawnOfTheDoggers · 26/10/2015 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NumbBlaseCold · 26/10/2015 12:30

I don't know if it's a sexual double standard for the OP.

Perhaps others but the OP has been hurt before so it's more her needing the reassurance he won't cool off and stop communicating.

Testing based on previous bad experience rather than anything else.

ScarletRuby2 · 26/10/2015 13:03

DawnoftheDoggers you just said exactly what I was trying to say in a more articulate and less angry way!

FluffyPingPong · 27/10/2015 10:35

I am particularly over-invested in this thread and demand to know what the text said!
OP, come baaaaaack!

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/10/2015 13:12

Completely agree with DawnoftheDoggers. Playing games is not the way to start a relationship imo. Back in the days when I dated I was advised by friends not to sleep with a guy on the first date. Well, I did if I wanted to. Why not? I'd rather find out that the guy was a sexist pig sooner rather than later. Same situation here as I see it, if he sees you texting as being needy and insecure then it doesn't bode well for the future. If he doesn't give a shit whether you text first or he texts first then he sounds much more... stable? Sorry, have gone blank and can't think of what word I need!

Helmetbymidnight · 27/10/2015 13:40

But preferring the guy texts you is not necessarily playing games, pathetic or needy. I don't know why it's being portrayed as such.

I liked it when I was online dating that after a date or sex most guys would get in touch again pretty quickly. I'm not interested in a guy who's too nervous or shy or whatever to do so.

DanglyEarrings · 27/10/2015 13:47

I'd prefer the man to do it, it's just nature!

ScarletRuby2 · 27/10/2015 14:02

Tell me what the 50's are like Dangly

DanglyEarrings · 27/10/2015 14:06

Well I don't care if it appears outdated, I think it's within the essence of a man to chase and makes a woman appear more attractive and vice versa.

It doesn't take away anybody's rights, it just makes both parties appear more attractive to one another.

ScarletRuby2 · 27/10/2015 14:47

Actually it's more than a bit outdated, it's sexist.

polyhymnia · 27/10/2015 14:57

Yes, definitely sexist and outdated to stick with these role models and believe it's'nature'.

Grapejuicerocks · 27/10/2015 15:14

But what did the text sayyyyyyyyyyyy......

Blodss · 27/10/2015 15:42

I agree Dangly. Its hardwired. Men like to do the chasing. Most (NOT ALL) men run a mile sooner or later if women do the chasing.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/10/2015 15:43

"makes a woman appear more attractive and vice versa."

Really? There are people who believe this outdated guff? so you're saying that women should play a bit hard to get and let men do the chasing?! And that will make the man want them MORE?

walks away feeling like Marty McFly

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