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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about my daughter

264 replies

kimmybus · 23/10/2015 22:27

She is in her 20s and doing nothing with her life.

She left school at 18 and that was it. She has suffered with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. I dont know how I can get her to snap out of it, weve spent thousands on private therapists, she has been on different medications, we brought her a dog to give her some company. Nothing has worked and its getting a bit tedious having someone who is miserable all the time.

She started volunteering for a local organisation about six months ago. She gets on well with her boss but she is using her. She changes her hours every week for when its convenient for her. So some weeks she will work every hour under the sun and others she will be sat at home 5 days a week.

She is also very overweight. She is on a diet but whenever I see her she is eating crisps, sweets and wonders why she is big.. She complains she hasnt got a boyfriend and she cant see why that is.

She is also very secretive. She never tells me where she is going and takes hours to go to the supermarket or out to buy a bottle of wine. She very occasionally goes out and socialises but otherwise sits in her room doing nothing. She smokes and we have warned her about the implications of this but she doesnt listen.

She wont get a proper job. She wants to stay volunteering as her boss as filled her head with an idea that she will get a job. There is possibility of this but it is a slim one. She is living off some money she was left by family member who died a few years ago and a small amount of benefits. We dont charge her rent, pay for her food and brought her a car.

Im just disapointed in her. She wont do anything with her life. She complains we favourtise her sibling who is very different to her and has had a succesful career after going to university which we wanted for her. We paid for private education and she threw it away. She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope.

How can I get her to finally stop and get a hold of her life?

OP posts:
DonkeyOaty · 23/10/2015 22:35

Hello there Kimmy

Have you posted about her before? Some parts seem familiar.

Anyway. One point: you can't cry if you're eating. Have a think about that, yeah?

AgentZigzag · 23/10/2015 22:36

'I dont know how I can get her to snap out of it'

It's not possible for people with depression, anxiety, panic attacks to 'snap out of it'. If someone with a broken leg can't do it, someone with MH problems can't either.

'its getting a bit tedious having someone who is miserable all the time'

I know it can be difficult being near someone with MH problems, but she's not doing it to get on your nerves!

'She is also very secretive'

Given the other two quotes I've just posted about and the bit you've put about her weight and expectations of the return on the private education you've given her, I can kind of see why she is.

It might be harsh of me to say this but the way you've talked about your DD is pretty crap IMO, I'm sure she feels your disappointment in the way she's turned out and it must be crushing for her.

I really feel for her Sad

catfordbetty · 23/10/2015 22:40

OP, you've succeeded in making me feel really sorry for your daughter. I'm not sure that's what you were aiming for.

Toffeelatteplease · 23/10/2015 22:42

Depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain. You cannot just snap out of it.

There is very little you can do other than support her to make her own decisions when she is able. It is frustrating to be so powerless.

You could have a chat with her doctor, however at 20 she is an adult and a doctor won't talk specifics without her permission.

You can encourage exercise.

But mostly you havery to hope the medication (if she is taking) any works and that she is able to beat it

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 23/10/2015 22:43

Have you posted about this before? It seems very familiar.

Toffeelatteplease · 23/10/2015 22:45

I too would be worried about an eating disorders to. If it's anything like the private schools I've known poor eating habits among the girls are rampant.

gBean · 23/10/2015 22:47

God. What a sad thing to read. Your poor daughter.

Dawndonnaagain · 23/10/2015 22:50

She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope.
You're kidding me, right? The solution was in your hands as a parent, as the responsible adult in the relationship. Why weren't you making doctors appointments for the poor girl to get help with her mental health instead of judging her?

Fairylea · 23/10/2015 22:50

Being overweight has nothing to do with getting a boyfriend. I hope you don't say that to your dd. Plenty of overweight people are happy and have successful relationships.

I feel sorry for your dd. Your disappointment in her is obvious from your post so I'm sure she feels that.

If she is seriously depressed she cannot snap out of it. Someone with serious depression will quite often be incapable of work for many years and require a lot of intervention.

AHypnotistCollector · 23/10/2015 22:52

You don't sound very concerned tbh. You sound more angry at her for not being the way you want her to be which can't be helping the situation.

You do realise that depression and anxiety are something she can't just snap out of? I feel sorry for your daughter. She needs support, not judgement.

maybebabybee · 23/10/2015 22:53

Wow. Biscuit

LynetteScavo · 23/10/2015 22:54

She can't snap out of it.

She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope

No, the solution was not in her hands. She was comfort eating because she was so unhappy....because you were sending her to a school where she was being bullied. It doesn't matter whether this was a £30K pa school or the local crap comp.

She is not doing nothing with her life. Every day that she gets out of bed and goes off to volunteer she is doing something.

She is doing as much as she can.

You say she won't get a proper job ( I presume you mean paid)....I think that's because she has such low self. You need to start at the bottom and work up.

Praise her voluntary work, praise her every time she doesn't anything positive

You have thrown money at her, in the form of education and therapists, but she needs you to support her on a daily basis, minute by minute, gesture by gesture. She needs nurturing.

Euripidesralph · 23/10/2015 22:55

Wow .... Frankly if you would like to see some of your daughters issues it may be worth looking in the mirror

I'm sure it's not all black and white , and depression is very hard to live with but your attitude stinks

chinam · 23/10/2015 22:55

Maybe you should be disappointed for her rather than with her. Depression is not something you can switch off just because your mother gets fed up of it. Your poor daughter.

AgentZigzag · 23/10/2015 22:56

I don't like to say it (but am going to anyway) but I wonder if this is a reverse thread and the OP is actually the woman being talked about, because the lack of compassion and understanding is so glaringly obvious that I can't believe a Mum wouldn't notice when she's reading the OP back before posting.

WheresMyBurrito · 23/10/2015 22:58

Wow, don't you sound charming OP.

PacificDogwod · 23/10/2015 22:58

You need to educate yourself about the complex nature of the various MH issues your DD is suffering from. And it sounds like she has been unwell for many years.
From reading your OP, I could understand if you were desperately worried about your DD, but 'disappointed'? Really?

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 23/10/2015 22:59

I don't like to say it (but am going to anyway) but I wonder if this is a reverse thread and the OP is actually the woman being talked about, because the lack of compassion and understanding is so glaringly obvious that I can't believe a Mum wouldn't notice when she's reading the OP back before posting.

I guess that's also a possibility.

saucony · 23/10/2015 23:00

No wonder she's depressed if she gets that sort of vibe from her own mother. :(

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 23/10/2015 23:01

However the OP of this thread does read eerily similar to another thread that was posted a while ago. That thread was zapped for being a bit Hmm.

PacificDogwod · 23/10/2015 23:05

Eating Problems

Depression

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Self-esteem - just guessing that this might be a problem for your DD

All from MIND 'Helping someone else'

What professional help and support has your DD had over the years?

Gazelda · 23/10/2015 23:07

How sad. Do you know what she wants to do? Does she see a GP? Do you obviously favour her sister? Do you talk with her the way you talk about her on here?

PurpleDaisies · 23/10/2015 23:08

You don't seem to like your daughter very much. It can be hard to live with someone with mental health issues so maybe this has come from that, but you don't seem to see how her depression and panic attacks have affected her ability to work, get a boyfriend, maintain a normal weight and all the other things you have judged her a failure at.

I hope this is just you blowing off steam and you don't share any of this with her, because I can't see how that would be helpful to her recovering in any way.

You somehow need to find a way to love the daughter you have, not the imaginary one you want.

Dumdedumdedum · 23/10/2015 23:09

This must be a wind-up, surely?

ClaireLumia · 23/10/2015 23:10

I'm staggered about how awful you are to your daughter and feel so sorry for her. Depression is an illness and not something that a person can 'snap out of'. If you think it's hard being around someone who's miserable then just think how much harder it is being the person who lives their life being that unhappy.

As to the bullying and you blaming your daughter for it you are so out of order. If a child is getting bullied the only person who's fault it is is the bully. No decent parent would have blamed their child. Instead they would have been into the school to get it stopped.