To be concerned about my daughter

[kimmybus]

She is in her 20s and doing nothing with her life.

She left school at 18 and that was it. She has suffered with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. I dont know how I can get her to snap out of it, weve spent thousands on private therapists, she has been on different medications, we brought her a dog to give her some company. Nothing has worked and its getting a bit tedious having someone who is miserable all the time.

She started volunteering for a local organisation about six months ago. She gets on well with her boss but she is using her. She changes her hours every week for when its convenient for her. So some weeks she will work every hour under the sun and others she will be sat at home 5 days a week.

She is also very overweight. She is on a diet but whenever I see her she is eating crisps, sweets and wonders why she is big.. She complains she hasnt got a boyfriend and she cant see why that is.

She is also very secretive. She never tells me where she is going and takes hours to go to the supermarket or out to buy a bottle of wine. She very occasionally goes out and socialises but otherwise sits in her room doing nothing. She smokes and we have warned her about the implications of this but she doesnt listen.

She wont get a proper job. She wants to stay volunteering as her boss as filled her head with an idea that she will get a job. There is possibility of this but it is a slim one. She is living off some money she was left by family member who died a few years ago and a small amount of benefits. We dont charge her rent, pay for her food and brought her a car.

Im just disapointed in her. She wont do anything with her life. She complains we favourtise her sibling who is very different to her and has had a succesful career after going to university which we wanted for her. We paid for private education and she threw it away. She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope.

How can I get her to finally stop and get a hold of her life?

But if she's doing voluntary work that isn't a five year gap, and time off through illness not laziness is totally explainable on a cv.

'who put me on my first diet at the age of 4'

That's fucking twisted.

kate.

Kimmy- your grasp of barriers to employment is dire. Two tips, 1) find out about self reflection and do it. 2) educate yourself on mental health, low self esteem and employment.
The reality is, you daughter will need help to get back to work from a number of practitioners. She can't just do it as she has too many barriers. She needs help with depression, social isolation, poor self efficacy, alongside traditional barriers such as lack of work experience. Go and speak to the job centre about employability provision for those with poor mental health.

Thank you agentzigzag - there's more.

We moved house when I was 15. My mother went through my cupboards and found a little top which I'd been given when I was 9. She said "I'll keep this in case you ever become anorexic."

I have serious fucking food issues. Fortunately my wonderful husband loves the very fat me so, seriously, OP, fuck off.

I really think this is a wind up thread.

I have two DD'S. They are my world. I love them unconditionally. As they grow they may make choices I don't agree with but I hope they never feel the way your daughter must be feeling. Do you not talk? Do you tell your daughter you love her? Hug her? You are coming across very cold OP

Kate i dont think im being that extreme. All im saying is I dont understand why she eats so much if she hates it? I like food too but I dont eat a slice of cake and then complain I look fat.

I get volunteering work can be useful. But she isnt willing to turn that into a paid job anywhere else than where she is. She has told me her boss is very supportive and has been there to help her lately but she cant carry on forever. And she will.

OP - I can feel your frustration in your post - I agree with Worzels - you need to approach this with a fresh angle. Your DD needs your help. She cannot (and will never) "snap" out of it. But she could improve and build up her life with your help and support.

Encourage more activities together - walking the dog, doing some kind of class together, even just cooking together,anything to get her out of her room

i have family members with clinical depression and it is a very long road, but you already see your other option is just spiralling down so what have you got to lose?

Your contempt for your daughter is palpable. This is so sad.

The boss taking advantage is a red herring. You only want her to get paid employment so you can get rid of her.

Maybe you should educate yourself on her illness.

As PurpleDaisies says, volunteer work won't be seen as a gap in employment. I was out of work for over 5 years with only seasonal volunteer work, but have a job. The difference was that I was supported and not demeaned like you are demeaning your daughter.

Your daughter is ILL. It doesn't matter if you haven't experienced her illness, you know she is ill and therefore she needs support to cope/recover from her illness.

You are making her more ill by your horrible cold attitude.

She wont talk to me about things iggy.

kimmy she eats when she hates it because she's ILL. Get that through your thick skull.

I don't think you're even listening.

No, OP, fair point. You're too busy telling us that your daughter has no self-worth because you tell us she's worthless.

I'm logging off and going to bed.

She won't talk to you? On the basis of what you've said here, are you really surprised?

OP - you have a normal relationship with food - your DD doesn't. Your frustration with her (which I do understand) is blinding you to this.

Your DD has found "safety" in her job - like its a second home. It does sound like you need to help her get more confident before pushing for a "paid" job.

OP, I am going to take you at face value as there is a chance that what you are saying about your daughter is what you genuinely feel [sceptical]

Please take a long, hard look in the mirror and think about how your 'disappointment' with your daughter could be connected to her desire to keep things secret from you, to overeat, to stay in her room, to be withdrawn...

Think about the way in which you describe her 'successful' sister, who wasn't afflicted with mental health problems, and how that kind of rhetoric may have s devastating impacting your other daughter's mental health.

Encourage her to continue with her job in the hope that it will empower her to get away from the toxic environment in which she lives.

I read a lot of shit on MN where I feel sorry for all the parties involved on the threads. I even sometimes feel sorry for husbands who don't behave very well. My sympathy for you is limited.

All im saying is I dont understand why she eats so much if she hates it? I like food too but I dont eat a slice of cake and then complain I look fat.

Is your daughter really the only overweight person you've ever seen do this? It is massively common. Losing weight is really hard. Finding willpower when you're depressed is hard. Loathing yourself for failing is really easy. Being judgmental is not helpful.

But before I go to bed I need to suppress my anger by suppressing my emotions and I will do that by eating trifle I don't need. And tomorrow I will be depressed because my jeans will be too tight.

See, OP. This is how it works.

She is not in a place where she will be able to sustain paid employment. At the moment, volunteering may be all she can manage. You need to accept this and sign post her to other mental health services that can help her progress towards employment, but this will take time, and no amount of just telling her to do it will work. You need to address what is preventing her from working to begin with.

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got"

If you want your DD to change, you need to change what you are doing.
Really look at how you talk to her, interact around her etc. Properly soul search yourself

You've had a lot of harsh comments on here - see them for what they are - re-read your posts - you have to change to get change.

My 20 year old suffers terribly from anxiety and depression. It's been really really hard at times, but it's my job as her mum to support her. It's what I signed up for. Even when I'm the only person in the whole world that she can talk to and I get the brunt of any upset she is feeling. It's a chemical imbalance they can't just snap out of it. Try walking in her shoes for a while, it's a god awful place to be.

I dont understand her illness because I havent experienced it myself so I cant.

You don't have to experience something to empathise and have understanding. My dd has Aspergers, anxiety, depression and OCD among other things.

I've had no experience of any of those. I instinctively empathise and understand rather than judge and feel irritated.

Dd's medication has made her put on weight for the first time in her life. I encourage her to exercise. I make sure there aren't too many fatty/sugary foods in the house. I lead by example.

I seek help and support I research and arm myself with facts. I move heaven and fucking earth to help my dd.

I'm not surprised you've got food issues after being treated like that kate, glad your lovely DH can give you the love you deserve. The thought of someone abusing someone so small and vulnerable just makes me want to rip their fucking face off so angry (on your behalf).

DD1 went through a phase when she was younger of incrementally testing how far my unconditional love for her went. It got up to me saying that even though I'd prefer it if she didn't, I would still love her even if she murdered someone

Which is true, she could do anything/be anyone and she can rest easy that I'd always be there for her and think the best of her.

OP, if you are actually the daughter in this scenario, please don't let people here put you off posting more, but do it as you, right? You are worth our time.

If you are the mother, you are not worth our time. Pull yourself together and be a mum. Love your dd for who she is, stop being a bitch because she's not conforming to your idealised view of who you think she should be. Grow up.

You talk about your daughters depression and overeating as though it's something she is doing AT you. How dare she be miserable when YOU find it so tedious? How dare she not have a lucrative and fulfilling career after YOU spent good money on her education? You titled your post AIBU "to be concerned about my daughter" but you don't sound concerned. You sound irritated. You sound aggrieved, because you feel that she has squandered the opportunities YOU have given her. You think you've written a post about your daughter and her difficulties but actually all you've done is point out the various ways in which her difficulties affect you and what a disappointment she is to you.

Don't think for one minute that she is oblivious to your disappointment. I can guarantee that it's written all over your face. I can also guarantee that it hurts like hell, however apathetic she may appear to be. And don't think for one minute your disappointment (which is underscored by your spectacularly unhelpful comparisons between her and your 'good' child) doesn't have anything to do with that great big piece of cake she's taken up to bed with her.

If you really want to help your daughter start by making a concerted effort to see the good in her. Focus on her strengths and celebrate her achievements, even the smallest achievements. You're supposed to be on her side.