To be concerned about my daughter

[kimmybus]

She is in her 20s and doing nothing with her life.

She left school at 18 and that was it. She has suffered with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. I dont know how I can get her to snap out of it, weve spent thousands on private therapists, she has been on different medications, we brought her a dog to give her some company. Nothing has worked and its getting a bit tedious having someone who is miserable all the time.

She started volunteering for a local organisation about six months ago. She gets on well with her boss but she is using her. She changes her hours every week for when its convenient for her. So some weeks she will work every hour under the sun and others she will be sat at home 5 days a week.

She is also very overweight. She is on a diet but whenever I see her she is eating crisps, sweets and wonders why she is big.. She complains she hasnt got a boyfriend and she cant see why that is.

She is also very secretive. She never tells me where she is going and takes hours to go to the supermarket or out to buy a bottle of wine. She very occasionally goes out and socialises but otherwise sits in her room doing nothing. She smokes and we have warned her about the implications of this but she doesnt listen.

She wont get a proper job. She wants to stay volunteering as her boss as filled her head with an idea that she will get a job. There is possibility of this but it is a slim one. She is living off some money she was left by family member who died a few years ago and a small amount of benefits. We dont charge her rent, pay for her food and brought her a car.

Im just disapointed in her. She wont do anything with her life. She complains we favourtise her sibling who is very different to her and has had a succesful career after going to university which we wanted for her. We paid for private education and she threw it away. She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope.

How can I get her to finally stop and get a hold of her life?

I'm overinvested a crap searcher too.

I gave up searching and tried randomly browsing the topics I thought most likely

I have only read up to page 4 but I don't understand why everyone seems to be having a go at OP.

She and her husband are already supporting her DD. After all she lives at home for free, eats at home for free and they have bought her a car. I presume the petrol she puts into it and the bottle of wine she buys also comes from OP's pocket. If OP did not support her, she would be living in a hostel.

If OP's DD can work a lot of hours occasionally, she could also do it for pay.

Also can I just add that sitting in your room all day and eating cake is not "having a hard time". That's in Syria, Sudan, etc.

OP, just a suggestion: maybe you could give her a long "notice" (e.g. 6 months) but ask her to move out.

To the posters who say "she is an adult she does not need to account for her time": no, she doesn't. When she earns her own food and lives under her own roof. At the minute she does neither, she is in her 20s, lives at home for free and does not want to get a job. Yes, she does need to account for her time.

To the posters who say "but she helps around the house": 6-year-olds are expected to do that, too.

OP, just a suggestion: maybe you could give her a long "notice" (e.g. 6 months) but ask her to move out.

Yup, kicking her out when the OP has already said she suffers from anxiety and depression and has panic attacks is a great idea .

I'm sure that's exactly the thing that will make her "snap out of it"...

Of course, she's not in Syria, therefore she can't be having a hard time!

Thanks, Ione. We can bin off everyone's problems on here now. Everyone on Relationships is fine because they're not in Syria.

Stupid argument. Shows you know bugger all about mental health.

'Yes, she does need to account for her time.'

A grown woman doesn't need to justify where she's been and what she's been doing to anyone. (aside from the police etc)

Why do you think that Iona? Were you treated like that by your parents and you accepted it or maybe you try that line with your own children?

I don't think it was great to let her know her dd is posting here - if she is. It's not positive, and it seems this OP is more interested in finding sympathetic ears than in constructive advice anyway. I assume that because she hasn't really responded to any of the posts offering helpful advice.

To me it seems you and your dd view things very differently, and you need to learn how to communicate with her. Why do you think she's being taken for a ride in her volunteer post? Just the hours? That's how it goes with voluntary work sometimes. Why not be pleased that she is doing something worthwhile, and encourage her. Let her build up her confidence and then help her try to negotiate for a paid job? She does sound like a desirable employee to her boss.

If you 'pay for everything' do you buy the coke and the cake? How about making healthier choices instead, thinsg you know she'll eat? Or at least smaller portions, like a pack of two cupcakes, or a can of coke, and then that's it.

And stop questioning her as if she's a child. Just stop from now on. Perhaps she feels this is the only independence she has. You want her to get a job, but you don't trust her when she's out of the house? You can't have it both ways.

If this is genuine and if the dd is posting and has read her dm posts I am very sorry. If she has an active binge eating disorder she will already be feeling a huge sense of shame, and her fm judgemental, unsympathetic posts will probably tip her over the edge.

I haven't seen a shred of responsibility/remorse or love in a single one of your posts op. It's chilling.

The words "Scapegoat Child and Golden Child kept running through my head while reading this thread.

The words "Scapegoat Child and Golden Child kept running through my head while reading this thread

I'm afraid so. The OP insists that her dd is incapable of making friends but wants her to leave a job where she has made a friend and claims that this person is just using her, uurrrgghh. She wants her dd to lose weight but the house is full of crisps, cake and coke. She wants her to act like a grown up but expects to be told where she is at every minute of the day. Talk about being set up to fail.

Ugh this thread is horrible. Although the majority of posters have increased my hope in humanity. Well apart from Ms Syria. I've got 3rd degree burns, but its ok! I'm not in Syria! Jesus.

OP you don't want to understand or change or really help, you just want her to do what you want her to do. Re-reading this thread and having a good look in the mirror would be a start.

Such a sad thread. I hope your Dd finds the strength to move away from you.

People often cling to toxic situations that are familiar and are surprised to find out what a release it is when they don't have to spend all their time and energy sustaining an awful situation.

I think both of you need to disengage. You may want to be helping and 'in charge' of how your Dd lives. But you're behaving in a extremely unhelpful and undermining way. The fact you can't see that shows how entrenched it is, and how upsetting it would be to be on the receiving end. She's getting a 24:7 message of failure, disappointment, dooms day scenarios and all the reasons why she can't please you. Plus being poorly. It must be so draining as you suck the joy and hope out of daily life.

I think you're thinking is not healthy but you can't see it as you're locked into being the authority and in charge, the one that sets the reality and pronounces on her. That's so unhealthy.

I hope you can step back away from this awful cycle of engagement, and start to build a more positive and constructive way of interacting with your daughter. You sound like you are driving yourself into negativity and pessimism, and if you're like that yourself, can't you see how it would effect your daughter?

I think it's exceptionally odd that such similar posts from a dd and a mother would appear like this, apparently independently from each other, but described so similarly that on reading the first Op it was like a mirror image of the latter.

The OP is disengaged and odd in her responses.

It's all very strange but I'm out.

Haven't read the whole thread. There is often one member of the family that takes all of the projections from the rest. The 'problem' one in the family, the one with issues, did not grow up in a vacuum.

This is a family issue, once everyone can accept that and look at themselves instead of trying to fix the poorly one, progress can be made.

Family therapy is bloody hard to get unfortunately but if you have spent thousands already, I would invest more, allowing all of you to work through the family dynamic issues.

Good luck.

YY to family therapy. Your DD is really suffering (whether or not she's also posting here) and she didn't get these problems in a vacuum. There's some complicated and hurtful dynamics in your family.

Your daughter does sound from your description like she is mentally quite unwell. Would it help for you to change your mindset to think how you would be supporting her if this was a physical illness and see what you would change in your approach?

People who are depressed, have disordered eating etc are really frustrating to be around, but if you accept two things from this thread then accept that she isn't choosing to feel like this and that she can't snap out of it.

Your dd is entitled to go and do whatever she likes after work. If you ask her if she's enjoyed herself that would probably provoke a different reaction to asking her where she's been, why she's home late etc.

OP, you sound absolutely awful and I feel sorry for your daughter. For years I was depressed and suffered with anxiety and panic attacks. I self harmed and binge ate because it calmed me down, until I was bursting out of size 22 jeans in my early 20's. I worked dead-end temp jobs having already disappointed my mum by not going to university.

My mum also told me to snap out of it. I was being 'ridiculous' and I was to 'just stop it'. After I was first prescribed antidepressants my mum was outraged and actually made an appointment with our family GP to berate him and tell him that I wasn't depressed, I had brought the feelings upon myself by being introverted and antisocial.

You and my mother should spend some time together, you would have plenty to discuss.

HP yes that's exactly it. Mirror images. Just doesn't sit right with me at all.

OP if you take anything from this thread at all, the main message you should hear is:

Controlling and critical parents are one of the leading initial causes of eating disorders, low self-esteem, anxiety and depression in young adults.

Monkey Of course, she's not in Syria, therefore she can't be having a hard time!
I'm sorry you think so. I personally think there are a lot of people with real problems outside Syria, too. Not wanting to get a job when you are 23 while volunteering long hours; and getting overweight on cakes and coke bought by someone else is not one of them, however.

AgentZigzag Yes, she does need to account for her time. (...)Why do you think that Iona?
Because she is 23, capable of volunteering long hours, yet is kept by someone else who is paying 100% for her lifestyle.

Ziar This is a family issue, once everyone can accept that and look at themselves (...) Family therapy
Errmmmm... no. It seems to me that the only person in the family who does not get a job at 23 (while volunteering long hours) and is being kept by the family needs to look at herself. It would only be more ridiculous if, instead of having 2 children, the OP had, say, ten. Would 11 family members then have to go to family therapy?

Iona should a SAHM have to account for all her time to her DH? The DD is an adult. At 16 if have been pissed off at having to account for a couple of hours after college, I don't think I'm unusual in that.

Also, it's not that she doesn't want a job. She probably really does, think about it - she is working already but it's unpaid. That isn't laziness. If you haven't suffered with anxiety then it's probably difficult to understand just how hard it is to get a job. I have no problem filling in an application but in an interview I'm visibly shaking, my voice wobbles, my eyes fill with tears, my heart rate goes through the roof, I can feel my face turning more and more red and I get an overwhelming urge to run as fast as I can out of the room. I would love a job but it's so hard until you actually have your illness under control.

Please tell me you have no children Iona? Please

Would 11 family members then have to go to family therapy

Yes, if one member of the family was as unwell as the OP's DD and there were such unhealthy dynamics. AFAIK there is no limit to the number of family members who can be involved.

OddSocksHighHeels Iona should a SAHM have to account for all her time to her DH?
Why should she? She is doing a job. Raising the children.
Re interviews: I understand what you are saying but the OP's DD must have had some sort of an interview for the volunteering position, too? Besides the OP never said the issue was the interview; and I remember her saying in one of the posts that her DD refuses to go for a proper job instead of volunteering at this specific charity.

fastdaytears: A guy is driving on the motorway with the radio on. The radio announcer says: "Attention, important announcement: please beware, there is a lunatic on the M1 driving on the wrong side, going against traffic, the wrong way." Our guy exclaims: "One?! But everyone is coming the wrong way!"