To be concerned about my daughter

[kimmybus]

She is in her 20s and doing nothing with her life.

She left school at 18 and that was it. She has suffered with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. I dont know how I can get her to snap out of it, weve spent thousands on private therapists, she has been on different medications, we brought her a dog to give her some company. Nothing has worked and its getting a bit tedious having someone who is miserable all the time.

She started volunteering for a local organisation about six months ago. She gets on well with her boss but she is using her. She changes her hours every week for when its convenient for her. So some weeks she will work every hour under the sun and others she will be sat at home 5 days a week.

She is also very overweight. She is on a diet but whenever I see her she is eating crisps, sweets and wonders why she is big.. She complains she hasnt got a boyfriend and she cant see why that is.

She is also very secretive. She never tells me where she is going and takes hours to go to the supermarket or out to buy a bottle of wine. She very occasionally goes out and socialises but otherwise sits in her room doing nothing. She smokes and we have warned her about the implications of this but she doesnt listen.

She wont get a proper job. She wants to stay volunteering as her boss as filled her head with an idea that she will get a job. There is possibility of this but it is a slim one. She is living off some money she was left by family member who died a few years ago and a small amount of benefits. We dont charge her rent, pay for her food and brought her a car.

Im just disapointed in her. She wont do anything with her life. She complains we favourtise her sibling who is very different to her and has had a succesful career after going to university which we wanted for her. We paid for private education and she threw it away. She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope.

How can I get her to finally stop and get a hold of her life?

Maybe it would help if you yourself really could be honest how you feel about your daughter. It is very difficult living with someone who is depressed and it can be frustrating and while you feel that way no amount of reading up on depression/anxiety is going to take that feeling away

Have you felt this way for long? Has your relationship always been distant? Is it history repeating itself in some way? It may be none of these but something on your relationship is impacting you both

By exploring your relationship with your daughter (in therapy or just your yourself) it may help untangle the negativity that is being felt by you both and you hopefully be in a better position to help her as she is crying out for someone to

Many parents do feel this way I feel sorry for your dd but I am sure you more than anyone is hurting for her along with feeling fed up and frustrated

I honestly dont know what I have to celebrate. I get her volunteering is a big deal for her and it has helped her but she wont move forward. She keeps saying "another month" "another week" and then just wont budge. She cant see she is being taken for a ride and is wasting her time. I dont understand how she can do a role as a volunteer and not as paid? Surely the only difference is her actually getting some money which can only be a positive?!

I've supervised plenty of volunteers who are capable of the role but not yet ready for employment.

I'm sorry op I rarely say this but you are a stupendously horrible human being

I've never had cancer so I don't understand how that feels but I sure as hell wouldn't expect some one to just get over it or more importantly be judgemental and arrogant about it

This has to be a wind up..... I cannot believe that a mother would really mean this, actually I can inrl but to openly state it on a thread like this

Ok let's play then

You and your crappy attitude have led to part of this, get the hell out of the way and let some professionals help her, and if you can't shut up and stay out of the way then that's a problem

You want her to move on, don't bloody comment or "help" you are making it worse

I was going to RTFT but I got too angry after your second post so I'll probably be echoing a lot of others now.

You don't choose to be mentally ill any more than you choose to be physically ill. You can't understand because you haven't experienced it? Bullshit. I've never had cancer, you think I can't have any empathy for people that have? Because that's what you're saying.

Nobody snaps out of depression. I have it. It's hard. It's a fight. Every. Fucking. Day. She isn't using it as an excuse, she's ill.

There's no need to worry about a gap in her CV, she's volunteering. That's positive and employers look positively on it. And interviews are hard when you're ill. Especially with anxiety. I've been in tears over having a phone interview.

She's in her 20's and you're worried about her being secretive? She's an adult. Treat her as one. If she wants to go out in the day and not tell you where she is then she's entitled to do that. She's always allowed to smoke. You think she doesn't know it's bad for her? Of course she does! It's a crutch. I give up smoking and my mental health plummets. I know it's not good for me but, hey, suicide would be worse.

You chose to pay for a private education. You chose to pay for therapists. You don't get to demand how she loves her life just because you've thrown money at something. It reads like you think you can buy the DD you want.

You sound so much like my own mum. And guess what? I have depression and anxiety. I have food issues (though mine is anorexia).

How is she being taken for a ride? It's quite normal for volunteer hours to be more varied - even with paid work, with zero hour contracts this would also happen.

Volunteering is more flexible than paid work, usually. That flexibility may be helping her feel more confident. What she doesn't need is you pressuring her to 'move forward' when actually her making progress in her current role is more important.

You don't seem to be listening to anyone with actual experience of mental health here.

And yy to interviews being very difficult with anxiety. I got my current job due to more of a focus on group interviews, which I find easier. Phone or interviews where I'm the only one on my side of the desk are very frightening and can cause serious panic attacks. In my experience of volunteering, there's often much less of a formal interview process.

Her volunteering will be looked on favourably with employers.

You sound just like my mother with her fake 'concern' for her victims. Is there anything about your daughter you do like?

You sound just like my mother with her fake 'concern' for her victims. Is there anything about your daughter you do like?

You sound just like my mother with her fake 'concern' for her victims. Is there anything about your daughter you do like?

You sound just like my mother with her fake 'concern' for her victims. Is there anything about your daughter you do like?

You sound just like my mother with her fake 'concern' for her victims. Is there anything about your daughter you do like?

You sound just like my mother with her fake 'concern' for her victims. Is there anything about your daughter you do like?

You sound just like my mother with her fake 'concern' for her victims. Is there anything about your daughter you do like?

hopeful that's exactly it! Though I find one to one better than group personally. I actually hung up on an interviewer during a phone interview because I panicked that much. They still invited me to the face to face interview bizarrely

OP you really need to listen to those of us that have been there. Seriously. If you want to help your DD then listen. I feel so sorry for your DD, she's basically me!

The reason she doesn't want to leave the volunteering role isn't because she doesn't want to be paid. She's scared to be interviewed, she's scared to change an environment that she's comfortable with.

If you, as her Mother, can't think of a single thing to praise or celebrate about your daughter then how do you expect her to value herself? "Moving forward", seeking paid employment, losing weight, increasing your independence..all these things that you want her to do take confidence. If you don't believe in her then why the hell should she believe in herself?

If something's worth saying once it's worth saying seven times

She is kind. She helps out around the house a lot of the time and will go on errands for me if requested. Just think its a shame she is wasting her life

Look at it like this:
You sleep for 14+ hours, and when you wake up you are still so, so tired you can't move.
You eat more, because you've finally found something comforting you can do at home that is easy and requires no effort.
You stay at the volunteering because it's something you made yourself do, and now you've got used to it and found it's something you CAN do and you don't mind it. But your narcissistic mother is pressuring you to leave because she has far too many ideas about what's good for you and fails to recognise just how HARD you are trying.
You can't "snap out of it" because it's impossible. You are fighting yourself here, it's not like you can hide because no matter what you do or how much you eat, it's still you.
You can't be social, because you have no self esteem because of bullying, your mother's judgment and a number of other things.
You have no boyfriend because you can't be social for reasons above.
You smoke. Don't really see what to say about this apart from it's something that affects pretty much only you but once again your mother isn't happy (surprise surprise, is there anything about you she's happy with?)
Your mother seems to think that BUYING things like therapy, dogs, good schools is more valuable than simply giving you a hug, or support, or not judging. How helpful (not)
You realise, painfully, that you have to be secretive even where your own mother is involved. Not because you want to, but because she is so judgmental, and so unsupportive because she can't seem to understand that depression is a chemical imbalance and cannot be snapped out of, lovely as that would be
Your mother nags you about the things you find comfort in, and refuses to think of anyone's point of view but her own. This helps you remember that nothing you do is good enough, and that the only comforting things in your life are somehow wrong and you should be ashamed of them.
You are forced by your mother (pattern here, no?) to go to a school where you are bullied constantly for something you can't control because she places grades and career over your mental health. Wow, great Mum. When you do get well enough to get out of there, she'll be scratching her head and calling you ungrateful for being sensible enough to go no contact with her.
And on top of all this, you are under pressure to be as perfect as your sister because obviously, you have to be as wonderful and successful as her (but remember, not success as you define it, but as your mother defines it. Yes, definitely a pattern here)
Are you still confused about your daughter's situation?

Agent I think a red mist fell over me.

Sooo the things you do like about her are when she does something for you?

There's a shocker

I started volunteering and it turned into a fifteen year career that I'm currently setting up my own business in.... But hey glad to know volunteering is wasting your life

You actually sound a little less bolshy now.... I really hope you are seeing where you have screwed up,

Just a side note I employed many volunteers over the years and they were as a rule brilliant and hardworking but they were not "being taken for a ride" they got valuable on the job training that was basically the only real way into the industry..... It was considered the smartest thing they could do, and now I know many are in great positions earning decent money

Just in case you've decided to look outside your narrow minded perspective?

kimmy telling her she's wasting her life will not make her magically well again. Would you tell someone with cancer who is too ill to do paid work that they're wasting their life? No? Because they're ill right?

Your daughter is too ill to do paid work. She is not wasting her life, actually she is doing what she can to NOT waste her life by volunteering and getting valuable experience. Volunteering looks great on a CV, it is helping her. Listen to those of us with experience here and more importantly listen to your daughter.

I've got a great suggestion for how you can help your DD OP, encourage her to post on MN and let her tell us what she's going through.

She can be sure of a whole ton of support to steer her in the right direction to move out of your house and away from the crushing disappointment radiating from you.

yolly. I can usually find something in an OP that I can sympathise with, but the OP is a good example of what posters on the stately homes threads have to deal with.

Also I just noticed - serious at the daughter's boss saying she could get a paid job but OP saying it's unlikely. Mega stately homes vibes there.

Six months is not long. If the boss is already saying that employment looks likely, then it looks likely. FFS.

I think you'll have to start looking at it from another angle. She needs a massive self esteem boost.

She needs to feel unconditionally loved and accepted.

I had a sibling who basically did so great at everything, I didn't see any point trying. My DM raved about my siblings acheivements and I knew whatever I did wouldn't be quite as successful - so I gave up.

If my DM could have just shut up about my sibling around me!

Maybe you can find a few things unique to her that make you feel really proud and let her know?

I'm a binge eater/emotional eater too. My grandma constantly remarks on my weight - I deal with this by eating more and end up putting on weight around her, losing it when I'm not. Maybe it's a defensive thing.

Just stop mentioning her weight. Even when she does. Don't engage, just a sympathetic nod!

I know it feels like the opposite of helping but it honestly will work better. It's like men - you nag them all day and your still nagging at the end of the week, or you trust them and appreciate them and you find they've done more than you asked in the first place

The only thing that will "snap" her out of this is when something psychologically fundamentally changes in her perception of herself and as her mum you're key to that. It's not an overnight fix though - it will take time