Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the terms Cool Wives and Handmaidens...

296 replies

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/10/2015 20:59

...deeply offensive?

I was on a thread today where these phrases were used. I challenged them as IMO they are as bad as the word "slut". Disgusting names that are used exclusively to judge women and put them down.

I am a feminist and none of the feminists I know in RL tolerate the labelling of women in negative terms. However the response I received was so surprising that I thought I would ask: AIBU to find the terms "Cool Wives/Girls" and "Handmaidens" demeaning, dismissive, misogynistic insults?

OP posts:
slugseatlettuce · 20/10/2015 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 20/10/2015 22:05

It's used a lot in Relationships.

saucony · 20/10/2015 22:05

It is a small but vocal minority who use those terms IME.

slugseatlettuce · 20/10/2015 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usual · 20/10/2015 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrandNewAndImproved · 20/10/2015 22:10

Whenever a porn thread comes up so does the stupid term cool girl.

Passmethecrisps · 20/10/2015 22:11

In my own sweeping generalisation I see it as thus

Cool wife - a woman who behaves differently to me
Hand maid - a woman who behaves differently to me

I stuff it in the same fuck it bucket as Helicopter parent, performance parent, benign neglect parent, attachment parent etc etc

WorraLiberty · 20/10/2015 22:12

Some examples/context here

Sparklingbrook · 20/10/2015 22:13

I have been on MN four years and never seen either term. I have the correct topics hidden probably....

Helmetbymidnight · 20/10/2015 22:13

Yes, I've seen it on porn threads, when poster says she doesn't like it, others plough in to tell her to maybe watch it too or Ffs what's the problem? then others plough in and say 'cool girls'.
Deeply deeply offensive.

Sparklingbrook · 20/10/2015 22:14

I have been on MN four years and never seen either term. I have the correct topics hidden probably....

Pocketrocket31 · 20/10/2015 22:14

I thought cool gf ect "laid back, chilled out, not controlling, equal, relaxed" was chucked around as a insult when the ppl saying it assume those qualities are faked by said "cool girl" and she was infact insecure and needy

BreakfastLunchPasta · 20/10/2015 22:16

I've seen handmaiden used quite a bit in relationships, usually as an insult directed at posters who defend or excuse men who're cheating etcetera.

usual · 20/10/2015 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 20/10/2015 22:18

I've had cool wife chucked at me (because I don't object to DH seeing with various female friends without me) not all that long ago.

I've not read the handmaid's tale so not sure exactly what it means (women who appear to facilitate men's bad behaviour?) but u have seen it in here.

bumbleymummy · 20/10/2015 22:19

YANBU.

seagreengirl · 20/10/2015 22:22

What I have also noticed is a tendency to blame women for misogyny and the patriarchy

I think that these terms are not used so much to blame women for misoganyy and the patriarchy, but are used out of frustration that women who behave in this way seem to be doing noting to further the cause of women's rights.

Sallystyle · 20/10/2015 22:23

Cool wives was used to describe women who will do anything to keep their husband's happy. They will happily go along with things they don't like, like porn so they don't come across as a 'nag' (hate that word) or insecure.

It was used a few times towards posters who seemed they were that way. Or at least I think it was.

Then it morphed into people being called a cool wife when they were ok with opposite sex friendships etc. So the term has lost its meaning here.

You are not a 'cool wife' if you are happy with opposite sex friendships and porn. You might be a 'cool wife' if you are unhappy with it but don't speak up because you don't want to come across as insecure etc

That's my understanding of it anyway.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 20/10/2015 22:23

I've seen both but only a handful of times. YANBU, I don't personally like those terms either.

seagreengirl · 20/10/2015 22:27

Yes, a "cool girl" puts up with being treated disrespectfully in a relationship, so she will not appear insecure. Nothing to do with friendships with the opposite sex and porn.

BertrandRussell · 20/10/2015 22:44

There are women who collude with the patriarchy and enable misogyny.

I see no reason why they should not be called out on it.

A woman is called a slut if she does not conform with society's norms of female sexuality. A "slut" is not conforming with or endorsing the patriarchy and is therefore rejected. A "cool girl" or a "handmaiden" is. And is therefore welcomed into the patriarchy with open arms. Thereby undermining everything that feminism stands for.

pinotblush · 20/10/2015 22:44

I always thought being "cool" about something means being rather laid back, having your own opinion still and letting them get on with it until they wrapped rings around themselves.

I'd rather stay cool than get my hair off Grin

seagreengirl · 20/10/2015 22:47

The women themselves aren't actually cool, it's men that think they are.

pinotblush · 20/10/2015 22:48

Is this some sort of "new" saying? then. Obviously I shouldn't be "cool" anymore Grin

pinotblush · 20/10/2015 22:49

Is this some sort of "new" saying? then. Obviously I shouldn't be "cool" anymore Grin