Hateful disgusting pig of a husband

[leavemealone2015]

When my h and I have a disagreement about something, or if I appeal to him to behave differently or criticise him, it seems as if it's no coincidence that he often belches or breaks wind apparently spontaneously, but publicly .. As if he is using this as a bullying tactic. Is this something bullies do? Also leaving the door open while loudly passing water but as if it is on purpose .He does other things with poor manners such as lick the lids of yoghurts and lick plates at other times.
It seems to me he is doing this intentionally?

Grapejuice, you might get frustrated, but luckily for op not every one does. There are a lot of people on the Relationship board with the patience and kindness and empathy to stick with op.

OP, keep posting. It can take q while for the scales to fall from your eyes, to get out of the FOG of abuse, and to make the decision.

Just keep posting

Hello I am post night shift pre sleep.
I apologise for my initial post being so brief and lacking details. The truth is I posted in a rage of confusion and upset just like last time. The unfairness and humiliation is overwhelming.
Some of it is his nature and some of it is pay back for me not loving him anymore. But he was lucky to have me and he didn't treat me well or even fairly.
I nearly left two years ago but a friend advised against it as her sister had lost contact with her son completely in a similar way. So I stayed and two more years wasted .

Yes, I can see that my post was harsher than I intended it to be.

Anyway, you see that you've wasted two years op. Please don't waste anymore years. On what grounds do you think you may lose your son? That's not how it usually works.

Your friend was wrong, love. And yes, two more years wasted, and by now your son is joining in the abuse.

You need to get out and get your son out before your horrible man's work is complete, and your son becomes as abusive as him, a chip off the old block.

Talk to Women's Aid. Ring that number and ask for help.

I can see why you're worried about losing your son. I bet he loves you though - you're his mum and your not the one displaying bullying and disgusting behaviour. He's probably just going along with it all because he's still young and knows no better.

Why don't you discuss this with women's aid? I bet they've seen this all before so will be able to help you deal with it all. Your son will no doubt be leaving home anyway in a few years and then it will just be you and your pig of a husband. And you won't have the chance for a few peaceful, happy years with just you and your son

How old is your son?

In any situation there are always those with cautionary tales of "Oh God, don't do it!! My (insert relationship here) did that and (insert disaster here) happened!!!". Every situation is completely different and you don't know what extenuating circumstances caused whatever supposedly happened if indeed it ever actually happened at all.

Please realize that the way he has treated you is what makes you feel you have no choices. You do. See a solicitor. It doesn't mean you have to do anything, it just means you are getting educated. Ignorance is definitely not bliss! Find out what your options are and then, if you want, just sit on them, disregard them, or take action. The choice is yours. Please, stop being afraid. Fear only feeds into his abuse.

my friends sister instigated the divorce, her dh was quite dominant. Her son chose to live with his dad who he saw as the most fun and main parent and refused all contact with his mum from then on.still remains so.
When I mentioned a year or so ago to ds that sometimes parents had different views and it was better to live separately he was obviously really against it and I think if I do it he will see me as the one breaking up the family and live with dad. He already spends the weekends I work with dad alone as dh doesn't work weekends and I do. I also notice often ds chooses to spend time with dh rather than with me on the weekends I am free. Not always but sometimes. Lately, like in my previous thread I feel pushed out, as if I don't really matter to dh or ds or even at times to the other DC in the family( adults at uni). Dh has portrayed himself as the most important one and I am a sort of joke bystander.also everything dh does is very public in the home so the divorce is going to be very damaging to ds... Dh will make a big thing about' your mother is selling the house so we all have to leave and have nowhere to live, you can thank your mother for that' etc or ' your mothers gone nuts and we all have to suffer' etc or' she can live where she wants this is my house I'm staying put' etc or' if she wants to ruin everything she can get out' remember he blames me constantly and publicly for things I havent done and have no responsibility for even now.

But ds does still have quite a few years left living at home and I think it would be better to make the break now if I can even though financially there would be a lot of difficulty as all our funds are banked in the family house so it would have to be sold to release the funds.
I am thinking out loud. I think it would be better to divorce him even though it will be hard .
Part of what has held me back is wondering if I was just being ' too sensitive' and he wasn't really doing anything wrong.

Son is in year 9

I think you've hung on and nothing will change. From year 9 onwards kids don't want to spend that much time with either parent. They're either in their bedrooms or with friends. I think it's time to look after yourself now even if that means both you and your husband have to have smaller properties. Better to do now than when your DS starts his GCSE years. He might well blame you but as he matures it won't be forever. Once you get some plans into place of how it would work out I think you need to take your DS out somewhere away from the home and explain you can't carry on, that you want him to live with you but he's not to feel under any pressure to decide straight away, that you'll always be his mum if he decides not to, that any decision can always be reversed, to not feel he's choosing between the two of you, that you will want to see him as much as possible and will find ways for that to happen (maybe by staying close by and he comes to you after school if practical for example or extended stays over the holiday), that he'll always have a bedroom at your place (hopefully you can afford this).

You're dying inside - how many more years? Four? If you don't go now you might as well stay until your DS is 18 and leaves for uni himself. Better now than any time over the next 4 years due to GCSEs and A levels. Be prepared for upsets from both but stand firm and calm and just say neither of us is making the other happy, this doesn't have to be done dramatically but it must be done. Your DH might try to poison your son against you. Tell your son you're worried about that and that he should know you love him more than anything and have always done your best.

I left my ex when my youngest DC was 2 as I saw the writings on the wall about how he would turn them against me in an oh so subtle way - "oh we're good at this DC1 and DC2 but silly mummy isn't, is she", "let's all make a mess for mummy" etc etc while he sniggered away as if it's all a joke but when you call them on it you're the one causing an argument. Daily crap like that I put up with. I mentally checked out for 6 months when I decided to leave, made my plans and left with the kids. He would have turned them against me - he was divisive. He told me when they were weeks old "oh they'll love me more than you when they're older". Well, I don't think so. Arsehole.

Yes that is what dh has done. Successfully. The children tell me not to argue if I question anything. I am not the sort of person who promotes myself I am the sort of person who thinks about others welfare ahead of my own, so I just don't see myself sticking up for myself in the divorce situation.

Another annoying thing he has started to do recently is swearing. It's like he is becoming an old man.

What I've discovered with my kids is they don't want to know the ins and outs of the arguments or the apportioning of blame, quite rightly. It means I've learnt to maintain the higher ground by not running down their father to them over the years. It's been hard but I never shed a tear for that failed relationship. I left to live in one room at my mother's with two kids for almost year until I got on my feet but still had no regrets about it. It was over. He killed it with the lack of any connection, intimacy and treating me like I was beneath him. His loss. He made one attempt to get me back, a half hearted attempt, and I told him too little, too late, all feelings apart from irritation and contempt have gone now and there's not getting them back. Didn't realise what you had until it was gone. Thought I'd stay forever as I wasn't working and had no options - so he thought. I always felt I had options and have gone from strength to strength setting up my own business. Of course he still tries to punish me by withholding any maintenance and he's pretty much got away with it. Fine. He has to live with that. I tried in the early years to have a friendly split, letting him in the house to pick the kids up, inviting him for Xmas one year etc. He carried on abusing it with his put downs and messing around to prevent me having any kind of life so again I knocked that on the head and we haven't spoken in over ten years and it's bloody great . I took great satisfaction the last time I saw him of kicking him in the arse as he left the house.

You are right my plan was to divorce when ds is 18. But dh behaviour means this isn't possible. I was hoping to have a calm and friendly house until then rather than actually divorce until ds older.

Life is too short to wait till your son is 18 before you make a move. And please trust us that even an award winning actor couldn't live a life that a lie and children not notice.

Be kind to yourself. Live your life as you deserve. The years will just fly by and before you know it you'll be thinking - jeez, I wish I had my time over again to have enjoyed my days.

xxx

It's hard when you realise your hopes will not happen. On the plus side you will have that calm and friendly house that you desire.

You may be surprised. It may very well be that your older children tell you that they wonder what took you so long. I think part of their attitude is 'don't make waves' to keep the peace, I'm sure they know what he's like when he's crossed. To be honest, it may be that you've promulgated that yourself because you've tried so hard to keep the peace. I'm not blaming, we do what we have to do to survive intact. Been there, done that.

I'm not going to lie and tell you things will go smoothly. It will probably be merry hell for quite some time, probably until all the formalities are taken care of. And he will probably be a thorn in your side for many years. But better merry hell for 'quite some time' than total misery for the rest of your life. Better a thorn in your side than a spear in your heart.

Picture this: you and DS in a small flat somewhere. It is peaceful. It is quiet. It is fixed up the way you want it. You and DS may fuss at times, but there is no one there in the background telling him he doesn't have to listen or making fun of you. Suddenly, the phone rings, it's 'him'. He starts in on you about something and you put down the phone on him. His voice is silenced. You no longer have to listen to his shite. Your home is peaceful and quiet again. Or 'he' knocks on your door. You do not let him in. He is outside. You are inside, safe and sound.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Find yourself a Shit Hot Lawyer. Then you won't have to fight the divorce yourself, just refer everything to her.

Start now, while you can, while you're still in the status quo. When you're ready, you'll be able to give it your full attention, knowing that you don't have to worry about that sort of practicality. Dig around, talk to every lawyer in your area, ask Women's Aid if they have any recommendations they can give in your area.

Start copying all financial documents too. Every payslip of his, P60s, bank statements, the lot. Get your ducks in a row.

When my h and I have a disagreement about something, or if I appeal to him to behave differently or criticise him, it seems as if it's no coincidence that he often belches or breaks wind apparently spontaneously, but publicly .. As if he is using this as a bullying tactic. Is this something bullies do? Also leaving the door open while loudly passing water but as if it is on purpose .He does other things with poor manners such as lick the lids of yoghurts and lick plates at other times.
It seems to me he is doing this intentionally?

Count yourself lucky that its just when you're nagging having a disagreement, OP. My husband farts all the bloody time. We rarely have disagreements about anything though He doesn't belch a lot, but fart-wise, it seems like he's on a one man mission to warm the planet. Anything seems to set him off. He doesn't like yoghurts so I get to lick every lid myself and he says licking his plate is a sign of appreciation for a good meal, so that doesn't really bother me either. He's not really a noisy pisser (he's getting on a bit so the stream isn't too forceful any more) but I'm not too keen on him dropping the kids off at he pool with the bathroom door open, though.

Did you bother to read the thread at all I'mAll ?

Taking the long perspective is useful.

My fart arse, rapist, abusive first h, tried all kinds of manipulation and cruelty, to disrupt my relationship with DS. As he had done with his first wife and son. I can't actually remember the number of times I was dragged into court any more.

His son with his first wife, although in touch with his father, refused to be best man at his third wedding, and keeps his distance. My DS, seems to hold his father in contempt, compounded by the knowledge that his much older step brother, ultimately feels the same way too.

You can't break love. Just keep loving your son, get yourself out of that horrible, horrible situation and show your son what a "badass" you really are. And what a giant turd your H seems to be.

He will be back, he is your baby. Honest.

:'-(

Hope you're doing OK, leave. Not sure if your sad face it due to queen's slightly thoughtless post or if you're having a bad day.

Try to be strong and look clearly at your life. Make an appt with a solicitor for a free consult. Remember it doesn't mean you have to do anything, truly it doesn't.

You deserve to be happy, so do your children. And they can't be completely happy if you're not. You are in my prayers.

Merry, I read all of the OP's posts only. I was particularly intrigued by their referencing DH Lawrence early on.