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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hateful disgusting pig of a husband

264 replies

leavemealone2015 · 18/10/2015 23:37

When my h and I have a disagreement about something, or if I appeal to him to behave differently or criticise him, it seems as if it's no coincidence that he often belches or breaks wind apparently spontaneously, but publicly .. As if he is using this as a bullying tactic. Is this something bullies do? Also leaving the door open while loudly passing water but as if it is on purpose .He does other things with poor manners such as lick the lids of yoghurts and lick plates at other times.
It seems to me he is doing this intentionally?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 19/10/2015 11:40

Some people here are crap at reading between the lines aren't they?

OP YANBU

I understand what you are saying and how he is using bodily functions to show his lack of respect for you.

Obviously your marriage is dead and you need to work on moving on Thanks

You're the one that's perceiving supposed threats because a man is farting, belching and peeing? What a bastard he is.
Still it could be worse, he could be actually threatening you or actually hurting you.

Fuck that. What a stupid offensive post. Yeah, well he isn't beating her up so she should just be thankful he just farts at her when she is trying to have a discussion with him and uses it as a tool to disrespect her and shut her up.

Garrick · 19/10/2015 11:44

Well said, U2.

Seriouslyffs · 19/10/2015 11:45

U2 Some people here are crap at reading between the lines aren't they?
Yep. Good Luck OP

Sallystyle · 19/10/2015 11:46

But how do you know this? Farting is normal and I don't see it as bullying, no matter how much it disgusts you.

It's a form of stone walling at the very least.

'DH, can we talk about a problem'

DH farts

It's saying that she isn't worth having a discussion with. It's a way to shut her up. To let her know that she isn't worth listening or responding to.

So yeah, it is quite like bullying.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 19/10/2015 11:46

U2 well said!

annielouise · 19/10/2015 11:55

I can't believe the people that don't see this for what it is. "Oh, my DH farts and I don't mind." It's not about farting or burping naturally - either couples are ok with that or they're not - he's doing it specifically in response to her saying something to him about an issue, as if to say fuck you, you don't matter enough for me to discuss it. It's a complete put down.

BiscuitMillionaire · 19/10/2015 12:03

What leaves said:
It's not about whether it's right or wrong, it's about the fact that you have reached a point where you have no respect and no affection for him.
And he obviously has no respect or affection for you either.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 19/10/2015 12:08

I hope op comes back, if not to this thread then to relationships. She didn't need the blaming responses she has had on here.

ShortandSweeter · 19/10/2015 12:15

maybe stop criticising him?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 19/10/2015 12:25

Incidentally, however vulgar and disrespectful the DH's behaviour might be, I'd love to see a man get away with complaining about his wife on MN using such disparaging and pejorative language as the OP used in the thread title.

If a man came on to complain about similar revolting behaviour and called his wife a 'disgusting skanky bitch' or a 'hateful dirty cow' I suspect ALL HELL would be unleashed on him. He certainly wouldn't be getting any sympathy or advice! In fact I suspect he'd be accused of trolling.

Not that I blame her for calling him what she did, not one bit, but I suspect this would be one of those double standards sort of threads.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/10/2015 12:38

I'm reading through this and so far I'm getting

He said I undermined him to child.
I said he undermined me to child.
He farted for 5 seconds and took a piss with the door open and said " I can do what I want in my own home"

Was the "undermining" you him belching/ farting or something like that and the " undermining" him you asking him not to?

This makes no sense at all. None whatsoever.

It sounds like he has dreadful manners inside the home and has ramped it up a fair bit in response to the criticism.

You view the ramping up as bullying, chances are he views the criticism as bullying.

It is all fine and well people saying if someone does something that bothers you if they love you and respect you they would stop doing it. But often the thing that is bothering us may be something we have no right to let bother us (couldn't think of a better word than right) and by our inability to control our feelings about the matter is the thing that's the real problem.

You say you cannot leave him, fine that is your choice so if you are going to stick around for the next potentially 40+ years despite thinking he is a gross pig how are you going to deal with that? Are you able to take a step back and look at the situation and asses if you are playing a role in the behaviour or not? Are you willing to come up with some stratigies in order to manage your response to it?

Because that's what sticking around in a relationship that has clearly run its course means. Unless of course you fancy spending the next few decades with you both slowly simmering in resentment and hatred until you both cannot see the wood for the trees and the impact it will have on your child.

expatinscotland · 19/10/2015 12:38

Was he doing all this when you were dating? Moot point, I know. You need to leave.

popalot · 19/10/2015 12:59

It's grim and demeaning living with someone who does things to put you in your place like this. I totally get what you mean. Usually comes alongside other behaviours like undermining you to your children.

My ex used to come into the bathroom and wee as loudly as he could whilst I was in the bath. All part of his animalistic dominance performance. He enjoyed disrespecting me in any way he could, but in a way that if I told other people (as you have done here) they wouldn't get it because they might see it as him just being playful. Thus if I ever mentioned it to anyone he could say I was being controlling or over-sensitive.

It isn't playful when one partner knows it upsets the other and does it to upset them. That's bullying - trying to assert his dominance and make you submit to him. Anything to do with bottoms/wee is a particularly base way of bullying because it's so hard to stop and unless you have experienced it it's hard to explain to others why it is so demeaning. I would say it is probably part of a bigger picture where OP's man is drip-drip-drip disrespectful to keep her on edge and easier to control.

squishee · 19/10/2015 12:59

My ex "D"P was like this. A huge narc. He would fart and belch unreservedly at home and at work (medical profession!). And he'd cough without ever covering his mouth .
When challenged he would stand by his right to do those things. I took it as a mark of disrespect to me and everyone around him. I left him and moved on to far better things. If your situation is similar I'd urge you to do the same.

FelineLou · 19/10/2015 13:00

If you want to keep the marriage I think you need a response to these disrespectful activities. A very strong flowerey air freshener spray pointedly pointed for the burps and farts. Slam the door of the loo after sprayng in there.
Or a punishment that shows how you feel - Very small portions of something he likes so he does not get "digestive problems", lots of meals that you like that he doesnt.

It may not reach him but will help you feel better about it.
I used frig nmagnets when we went through a bad patch. He thought they were silly; i just bought one whenever i felt really cross. The kids cottoned on before he did and laughed and bought even more.
A light hearted reproach or punishment not verbal but to make you feel better.
But it is gross behaviour and I think you have right on your side. If he belittles you in front of kids just walk out of room.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/10/2015 13:05

Well I think I've heard it all now

Buy a fridge magnet to show your abusive partner you are angry

That has taken passive aggressive to levels I had never even dreamed of!

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 13:07

Where has op gone ?

ApplePaltrow · 19/10/2015 13:09

Good god, just get divorced! What's the point if you both hate each other so much?

HopefulAnxiety · 19/10/2015 13:19

You clearly hate each other so why stay and be so miserable?

Some bowel/digestive issues can cause passing wind/belching that the person involved cannot control, and it is very unpleasant and distressing for them. This isn't that kind of situation. He's doing it to undermine you. Leave.

nippiesweetie · 19/10/2015 13:21

Isn't this how Paul Morel's father in Sons and Lovers behaved? I see you made a reference to the novel above. Are you posting as Mrs Morel?

Axekick · 19/10/2015 13:36

So the OP isn't in an abuse marriage she is pretending to be a book character?

Why the fuck do people do this? If I wanted to read this book I wouldn't now

kali110 · 19/10/2015 13:43

leave yes

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2015 13:50

No, Axe, I think she was trying to get people to understand by comparing the situation to Mrs Morel's.

gamerchick · 19/10/2015 13:54

My ex used to do the same thing.. If we ever had a conversation that involved me telling him I wasn't happy about something he had it hadn't done he would do a deliberate loud belch when id finished Or lift a cheek up and fart. It's disrespectful and means they don't give a toss what you think.

WorkingClassHeroine · 19/10/2015 13:54

I think I understand what you mean op. It's not just the odd occasional bodily function, done discreetly or with an apology. My dp can be a real windbag and I can hold my own in that respect too - we're only human after all.

This sounds more like territory marking/dick waving.

Have you called him out on it? 'Hey you filthy fucker, you can't intimidate me with your gross habits. I know what you're doing and I assume you know I'm in the right because you can't formulate a rational response, and have to resort to making me listen to you piss like a constable's horse.'

Maybe you could refuse to rise to the bait?