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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Hateful disgusting pig of a husband

264 replies

leavemealone2015 · 18/10/2015 23:37

When my h and I have a disagreement about something, or if I appeal to him to behave differently or criticise him, it seems as if it's no coincidence that he often belches or breaks wind apparently spontaneously, but publicly .. As if he is using this as a bullying tactic. Is this something bullies do? Also leaving the door open while loudly passing water but as if it is on purpose .He does other things with poor manners such as lick the lids of yoghurts and lick plates at other times.
It seems to me he is doing this intentionally?

OP posts:
thefutureofpolitics · 19/10/2015 17:21

Not at all, I would never want to hurt anybody's feelings, it really isn't me, but it seems to be going on a lot on here at the moment and I'm beginning to be able to spot the signs when something isn't right. The original poster has even posted a massive clue to the fact that this is a fabrication. I will leave you to figure it all out Wink

Seeyounearertime · 19/10/2015 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Spero · 19/10/2015 18:28

People seem to be keen to just end marriages because of burping and farting! hmm

No. some people are pointing out that being married to someone you despise is a futile and miserable way to live your life.

Spero · 19/10/2015 18:31

I also read the original message and it just seems like an exaggeration of silly blokish behaviour

So, what's you take on a wife describing her husband as a 'disgusting pig'. Doesn't indicate a marriage of equals, based on mutual love and respect etc.

don't really care if real or not - its been really interesting to read how some people don't seem to want to look beyond the immediate superficial descriptions of behaviour - but its only farting!

o no its not.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 19/10/2015 18:54

seeyou I don't get the troll bit at all. I just hear a very anxious woman talk about how she is struggling living with a obnoxious bully. She is walking on eggshells and only has peace when he is not there. I don't understand why people are even mentioning the word troll.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/10/2015 19:19

seeyou i think the only nasty report worthy thing that's been said on this thread was your comment that the OP should be grateful he's not hitting her. Vile. Just vile

Axekick · 19/10/2015 19:31

No it's not more fun to accuse than search.

I, for one, aren't saying she is a troll. I think she has started one of those threads that often appear written as though you are in a story. Except a lot of people haven't read it or picked up on it. Which maybe why she hasn't come back. The joke has been lost.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 19/10/2015 19:39

Which maybe why she hasn't come back Hmm I wonder why she has not come back! or rather I wonder why people like to kick someone when they are down

MerryInthechelseahotel · 19/10/2015 19:40

Bold fail Blush

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 19/10/2015 20:08

Hi all, could we remind everyone that if a troll is suspected then we would like you to report the thread? Trollhunting is not allowed on MN.

Original poster
leavemealone2015 · 19/10/2015 20:11

Hello everyone sorry for my absence I am doing a week of night shifts and travelling to said shifts and need to sleep again in a minute.
Thank you for all input.
I am not a troll.
I have had a lot of difficulty with dh even over a no of years who is very dominant and has bullying tendencies but at other times can be ok.he does things to win points or to lay the law down or to get his own way. To some extent he is ok if you instantly agree with him and he gets his own way straight away but if you disagree or challenge him in any way he can just keep insisting or get angry. He always wants his own way though from what to do for the day to Christmas arrangements to buying furniture and will pull out all the stops to get his own way. Sometimes he likes to do a wind up some of which are just a joke and some are more mean. He likes to put me down blame me for any things that go wrong or that he can't do/ doesn't want to do etc and doesn't backtrack, laugh about it or apologise as if to say he recognises he blamed me when he shouldn't have. he just gets really angry about things.
Unfortunately as some of you say we are really badly matched as although I pint things out this is difficult as he always ups the ante and so I try to agree with him, smooth things over and basically have never left as I was scared of losing my ds to him residence wise who seems to idolise him. Sometimes everything is ok and peaceful but sometimes he blames me for things in an angry way or puts me down or undermines me or does things on purpose. Then after his outbursts or put downs or arguments he is quite happy and settled and I get upset..because I just can't understand why things can't be happier and more peaceful. And because it is all so unpleasant and directed at me personally.
More recently he has started being a bit boorish ..making noises sneezing and coughing over everyone, belching and farting without saying excuse me etc. just in front of everyone which I find really odd and slightly concerning.
There are lots of things it's difficult to explain them all .
Last night I was cross because I asked ds to do something and dh instantly was laughing and said to do the opposite. When ds had gone I said so and dh just was irritated and did the farting thing it appeared to me sort of on purpose. This hasn't happened regularly but it seemed as if he may have done a similar thing before and I was just really angry starting the thread at the total lack of respect. He knows this is not the sort of thing I would think is acceptable beyond any shadow of a doubt..and if his brother did it he would be scornful himself so it seems as if he just wanted to be disgusting on purpose to annoy me and to sort if say ' this is what I think of you and your trivial moaning and if anyone doesn't agree then they don't have a say because this is my house and my word is the one that counts.'
I can't live with lack of basic manners but he is a professional person who behaves fine in work I find it really odd and it is not something he has done before recent times. He won't engage in meaningful communication.
It's a mess but one that isn't constantly there, things are often peaceful and friendly, we share some interests and things in the house generally work well . But I can't stop him from being like this when he wants to be and it has I am sure damaged my happiness and confidence. Some of you seem to think I am the problem or causing it..I don't think so I think it is him but I do think because I am quiet and less assertive that hasn't helped.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:21

Your husband is an abuser and now he is recruiting your son against you

ijustwannadance · 19/10/2015 20:43

And your DS will grow up thinking this is how women should be treated.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2015 20:47

You need to do some serious thinking, love. Ask yourself if this is the way you want to live for the next 30, 40, 50 years, the way you want to live until either you die, or he does. Because it's never going to get better and it's never going to stop. And that's the God's honest truth.

As far as your DS goes, you do realize that you're going to end up 'losing him' anyway if you stay, right? Because your H is teaching him to disrespect you and ignore your authority as his mother. Soon he will disregard you even as your H does. He will regard you as a nonentity that he needn't respect or love. Your actual best chance of 'keeping' your DS is getting him and yourself away from this arsehole you are married to. Getting him away and showing him the love and structure that all children badly need. And showing (most importantly) that a spouse is not to be abused, and that a person (whether man or woman) has a right to be happy on their own terms.

I think you'd benefit from talking to a solicitor for a free consultation. As him/her what your rights are to keep your son with you and what input your son may have into where he wants to live. You may be surprised at what you find out. In the meantime, call WA and talk to someone there about emotional abuse. Because you ARE being abused.

Jux · 19/10/2015 21:24

I really think it will help you to talk to Women's Aid.

He has just let you know that he will shit on your concerns for the disrespect he is teaching your son to show towards you.

0808 2000 247

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/10/2015 21:47

I think you're trapped and he's enjoying ruling the roost in a really horrible way - he sounds vile.

I think you need help as this won't end well for you if you try to stay whilst he turns your son against you.

OfficeGirl1969 · 19/10/2015 22:15

So many people are either intentionally or inadvertently mis reading the OP. She's not nagging him mercilessly for occasionally farting or burping in the house, or peeing with the door open. He is doing these things as a direct response if she disagrees with him, or challenges him.

I've been there before with XH years ago, it was as if the bodily function was his ultimate way of expressing his disrespect for me, farting, or belching/spitting in my face etc. I'm not sure quite what the mentally is, but it's something vile and animal like, almost like the Alpha male pissing to establish and prove his dominance.

OP I'm hoping the same won't happen to you but my situation escalated into something far worse. Please think carefully about this relationship, and don't stay in it if you feel disrespected, threatened or unhappy. Any partner in a relationship should be able to cope with a difference of opinion without needing to resort to a literal pissing contest to assert their dominance.

sleeponeday · 19/10/2015 22:23

OP, if I were you I would report one of your own posts, and ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships. AIBU can be an embarrassment at times, sadly. You should get more considered posts from a different area of the site.

ouryve · 19/10/2015 23:27

It's unfortunate, OP, that you didn't include some examples, last night. I would have been livid, too, under the circumstances - the farting and loud pissing were just a final flourish to some much more serious abusive behaviour.

You really do need to get out of there, with your DS, before this sort of crap becomes internalised by him and seen as normal. Nothing you can do will change the way your H acts towards you. Nothing will make him treat you with respect. Nothing wil stop him from taking the piss, apart from you taking way the opportunities he has to do these things by not being n the same building as him.

And I apologise for not taking you seriously, earlier.Flowers

Jux · 20/10/2015 08:18

Perhaps next time you could suggest he go piss in the garden to establish his dominance?

Of course, that would be quite dangerous, as it may tip him over the edge into physical violence. But I would do it as it would tell him that I see through his behaviour and know what a twat he is being. That doesn't mean you should do it.

fearandloathinginambridge · 20/10/2015 08:43

I know what you're saying OP. He sounds like an arsehole and I feel sad that you are putting up with his shit because sometimes he's OK. I'm not an expert but I think lots of women have felt they can't leave an unhappy relationship in case they lose residency of their child to their overbearing partner. When it comes to it I think they find that this is not the case.

Grapejuicerocks · 20/10/2015 08:59

I've only read the your posts op, but your only options are to put up and shut up or ltb. You've ruled out the second option so that only leaves the first I'm afraid.
I'm not sure what you want from this thread apart from to sound off but people will get frustrated because if you won't consider leaving then he's free to do as he wants.

He will only change if he wants to or if you make him. If he really thinks you might leave then he may change but if you give that ultimatum then you'e got to be prepared to carry it out or it will give him more power to behave even more disrespectfully in the future. The trouble is the more he gets away with, the further it will escalate. At what point will you say enough is enough? Your son is already learning that you can treat mum/women as you like and get away with it.

At the end of the day can you live like this till the end of your days, knowing that in all probability it will get worse? The ball is obviously in your court.

Be strong Thanks

pinechesterdrawers · 20/10/2015 09:19

I read this thread and meant to come back earlier. Cant believe the amount of people who said its just a burp etc!

Say f**k in a nice happy voice - just randomly, on its own with no context.

Say f**k in a nasty voice - directly at someone or within a sentence to someone who you've just been verbally sparring with.

I really dont know OP. Its sounds like its become a pattern now. Some serious thinking as his behaviour isnt normal.

An ultimatum would need to be acted upon.

Feel for you OP.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 20/10/2015 10:14

I've only read the your posts op, but your only options are to put up and shut up or ltb. You've ruled out the second option so that only leaves the first I'm afraid.
I'm not sure what you want from this thread apart from to sound off but people will get frustrated because if you won't consider leaving then he's free to do as he wants.

I think for many people realising you can actually leave the bastard is a process. People getting frustrated is irrelevant. The important person here is the op.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 20/10/2015 10:15

Another bloody bold fail Blush