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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hateful disgusting pig of a husband

264 replies

leavemealone2015 · 18/10/2015 23:37

When my h and I have a disagreement about something, or if I appeal to him to behave differently or criticise him, it seems as if it's no coincidence that he often belches or breaks wind apparently spontaneously, but publicly .. As if he is using this as a bullying tactic. Is this something bullies do? Also leaving the door open while loudly passing water but as if it is on purpose .He does other things with poor manners such as lick the lids of yoghurts and lick plates at other times.
It seems to me he is doing this intentionally?

OP posts:
Lemonfizzypop · 19/10/2015 08:33

If you don't like someone, stuff like farting becomes much more disgusting. When my husband farts I don't really care or I'll have a lighthearted go at him, however if you despise someone anyway I can imagine it making you feel sick.

Sounds like need to leave.

suzannecaravaggio · 19/10/2015 08:48

YY it's a way of exhibiting dominance, he's letting you know that you are not important enough to warrant politeness, he can just behave any old way and not concern himself with how you feelbecause you are inferior to him

Pranmasghost · 19/10/2015 08:54

Say,"talking through your backside as usual love."
Then ignore him.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/10/2015 08:58

I don't think it's farting per se that the OP is cross about.

I think she's saying this:

OP: please can we discuss this issue I'm unhappy about
OP's DH:

It's like he's marking his territory, sticking his fingers up at the OP. Vile.

And as for seeyou's comment "he could be actually threatening you or actually hurting you" - well I am speechless. Is the OP supposed to put up with anything and just be grateful he isn't hitting her? That is one of the nastiest things I've read here in a long time.

BarbarianMum · 19/10/2015 08:59

I think living with someone who despises you is pretty grim and as you both despise each other, you both have my sympathy - up to a point. Ultimately, you are both choosing to live with someone who despises you, which is madness.

I second the suggestion of posting in relationships and talking the whole thing through there. You cannot possibly want to live with this man.

IrianofWay · 19/10/2015 09:11

I suspect that any suggestions to help are going to be ignored. But I'll try.

As you currently have zero mutual respect:

  1. Go to marriage counselling to see if you can resolve the issues.
  2. Seperate. I know you said you can't but there is usually a way.

What other alternative is there? You keep on criticising. He keeps on farting.

duckyneedsaclean · 19/10/2015 09:16

I just don't understand the mechanics of it.

Does he save up all his bodily functions for when his wife complains about something / disagrees with him?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/10/2015 09:16

You hate each other. There's so much contempt that you'd never get along, you're going to find anything that the other person does annoying.

You have to either put up with it and expect it to get worse, or leave. There's no other options. He won't suddenly get better and you won't suddenly like each other again.

Jux · 19/10/2015 09:37

He is a boor and doesn't deserve your love or respect.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 19/10/2015 09:38

I hate all this "well you should stop the criticism" and "you stop nagging him" etc so many comments like that. What is she supposed to do? Accept him? I wouldn't. Treat him like an adult? Must be hard when he is behaving like a teenager with no respect. The only thing I would do is leave the bastard but op for some reason says she can't. Post on the relationship board op.

queenoftheknight · 19/10/2015 09:55

It is all about intent isn't it?

My first husband did this, and it was part of a pattern of bullying behaviour that ended when I kicked his stinking arse out of my life.

suzannecaravaggio · 19/10/2015 10:11

Intent?
Sometimes it can be an instinctive response ?to a situation where a person feels a need to exert dominance.

Arguably the person who deliberately and calculatedly does these sorts of things is morally culpable.

But do you want to live with a person who has 'alpha male' hardwired into him and has no insight into his behavior ?

annielouise · 19/10/2015 10:11

I'd have to leave. No matter how you look at it all respect has gone on both sides. If it's difficult to leave and you feel family members will blame you tell them the truth, embarrass him with his parents.

Silvercatowner · 19/10/2015 10:16

I think he is gross and his behaviour is bullying. However - I do wish I could fart to order. Is this something you have to practice?

Seriouslyffs · 19/10/2015 10:24

This is an example of different relationships.
DH and I are not fussed or even notice about that sort of thing. We'd both definitely leave the bathroom door open and not comment or notice.
If I was having a disagreement with my mum and burped or left the door open it would be an aggressive act because I know it would upset her.
OP's DH knowing that it upsets OP is being aggressive by doing things that wouldn't be aggressive in a different household. Doesn't make it any less aggressive or upsetting for the OP.

lunar1 · 19/10/2015 10:37

I think you need to ask yourself why he is doing this. Is it just to be a git and upset you, if so do you want to live with that?

Or is there a chance you have been really nit-picky with him. If you are constantly getting at him he might be doing it to prove a point. I mean why would you even comment on him licking the yogurt lid?

specialsubject · 19/10/2015 10:49

so leave. If you are in the UK, there IS help to do so.

you hate him, he probably detests you, stop wasting time and split up. This is no marriage. Life is too short.

the random man-hate is of no relevance (posting woman-hate like that would get people banned).

NumbBlaseCold · 19/10/2015 10:49

If he's doing it to upset and wind you up then all you can do is stop dancing to his tune.

I would wonder why he cannot form words back and instead does do something to wind you up.

Does he feel their are no words left to say?

Does he feel their is no relationship?

Does he not care?

Or all three?

If the root cause is him undermining you, then he either feels you are wrong and he's not undermining you or how doesn't care.

I would stop letting him know it gets to you because if he is doing it to wind you up then it takes away his power.

If he farts on purpose while you are trying to raise the issue, ignore him and light a scented candle then carry on ignoring until he acts like an adult.

Pees with the door open, put on your headphones and ignore again.

The more you ignore the more it takes away from him.

Keep talking about the undermining but consider that if he cares this little, you need to look into other options.

NumbBlaseCold · 19/10/2015 10:51

There* even

He may well also be doing it if he feels you just talk to him, rather then listen.

You've lost respect for him and possibly he has for you.

You try with words, he resorts to comebacks to annoy you.

I think you both need to look at your communication- it is seldom one in the right and one in the wrong but issues fraught over time.

If he is not receptive to proper two way communication though then the relationship is dead.

WhiteWineWhiteWomen · 19/10/2015 10:53

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IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/10/2015 10:53

It does sound as if this goes much deeper than revolting/boorish personal habits
...
I suggest you need to decide :

Do you want to stay with him? If not, youyou know the answer.

If yes, you need to find a way of treating eachother with fundamental respect... Your way of interacting with each other obviously isn't ok for you, and also is giving a real bad message to your DC.
In this case, I would suggest outside help.

If your husband is unwilling to engage only you know how much you can/want to tolerate.

amotherfuckingquiche · 19/10/2015 10:55

Is this thread a joke?!

KKCupCake · 19/10/2015 10:57

OP I sympathise really I do. it is obvious you are distressed by the situation. Just playing devils advocate, do you think perhaps his behaviour is due to some change in your relationship? Do you feel perhaps your behaviour has changed towards him in any way? Please don't misunderstand me I am not accusing you of anything at all. I'm just very aware that when we are on top of a very emotional situation we can't sometimes see the wood for the trees ... If you can give yourself a little space do you think you'd be able to make a list of anything which could have led to this behaviour? Perhaps confide in a friend? I am sorry you're so very distressed xxx Flowers

LagunaBubbles · 19/10/2015 11:00

I know it was intentional there is no doubt in my mind. It was to put me in my place and show me who is the boss

But how do you know this? Farting is normal and I dont see it as bullying, no matter how much it disgusts you.

trulybadlydeeply · 19/10/2015 11:22

I think there are deeply ingrained problems here. The way you speak about him and feel the need to criticise him indicates that you really don't like him much at all. His behaviour, from what you have said, indicates that he doesn't respect you at all.

I think it must go way beyond the farting etc, because to be honest if you loved him, and were still attracted to him, I don't think it should be an issue. I burp at home if I feel like it, and DH farts (rather a lot). Why shouldn't we? Do you never burp or fart OP, in your own home?

However, as I said, I think it goes way beyond this. if you love him, still feel that "tingle" of attraction when you see him, and are very happy with him (when he's not burping and farting) then there's something worth saving, and do go and seek some help and counselling to get out of the criticise/fart/criticise/fart cycle that the two of you seem to be in. if you don't still have all those good things in your relationship, then I really can't see any point in you both being together, sorry.

Good luck OP