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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social service involvement

249 replies

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 17:45

Don't really know where to start. My husband and son have had real issues. Major conflict over the last couple of years. Ds is now 16.

Have been physical altercations between them on quite a few occasions. I've had to call the police a few times. Ds lashed out at dh on most incidents, but after dh has got in his space or tried to snatch his phone off him as a 'consequence'. As a consequence, ss now have quite major involvement and ds is on a child in need plan, as long as I agree to keep dh and ds separate (will be cpp otherwise).
We are currently having to juggle them living in the house. I.e. 2 days for dh and 5 days for ds. I have two younger children who have witnessed all this violence.

So my question is, has anyone on here had ss involvement? Any experience of a cin plan or child protection plan or experience of domestic violence between husband and son and outcome?

I guess I just need some support. It's hellish.

Please no judgement. Have been proactive in getting help for both of them in past couple of years, and am drained.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 22:24

You must be living on edge waiting for it to kick off

What advice did ss give?

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:24

What triptrap said

annielouise · 18/10/2015 22:24

I think your DH needs to leave permanently and your DS come home. As people have said he will look back otherwise and say you chose your DH over your son.

I agree with someone upthread when they said why didn't you just shrug your shoulders and say well jump on the train then but if you get caught then that's your look out.

The problem sometimes - not with every kid but I think more so with teens - is you can be too rigid and they have something to push against. I personally would have given him the money and said with a laugh ok but I want the jobs done when you're back, now go and have a good time. If you're reasonable they can be too. It seems though you're entrenched in a certain pattern that will be hard to break, and of course I don't know everything - maybe you've tried these other tactics, i.e. a more soft approach, and it hasn't worked. It's difficult to turn these things around sometimes.

I had a bad patch with one of my DCs and it was because I hadn't adjusted to his age and was being too rigid. The upshot was he railed against that and for a short time it became a vicious circle as everything I said he was on his guard to react a certain way. It took a couple of weeks of not my not reacting in a certain way to get us back on track.

Your DS will continue to react to your DH unless your DH changes which it seems he won't. It seems a classic case of a 16 year old boy feeling his feet and not being stamped on by your DH.

You haven't answered one poster asking what's your DS like when he's there the five days without your DH? Is he still aggressive? Of course, that's not conclusive of anything as he could just be in that mindset now of being on the defence.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 22:29

Think I did answer that. Anyway, he's ok. Moody and grumpy and one word answers and winds his brothers up but I feel ds and I have a good relationship

OP posts:
Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:31

I lost a long post I was typing and cba to type another. There are a lot of brighter, more articulate posters bringing points across far better than I can. Annie makes a fair point, too.

Sorry Chip and Christina I'm not as clever as you two are. People go on about ltbastard here quite a lot. I would love to see threads on ltb on equivalent male based forums. Ha

Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 22:31

Sorry, just re read your post. So basically the only way to stop this developing into child protection is to keep dh away from ds...does that not tell you what you need to know?

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:33

Drained is it then not obvious to you that dh is the problem?

Maryz · 18/10/2015 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annielouise · 18/10/2015 22:35

Ah, sorry. I must have missed it. That's good you have a good relationship. He's possibly tense as things are very much up in the air and, sorry, but he knows you haven't chosen to put him first.

I have a feeling I've read another of your posts before. I could be wrong. If I'm right this has been going on a while.

Personally I'd sit him down and say you've decided to split with your DH and that you want him to know his happiness, mental healthy, security and stability are important to you and that you want to work with him to create a happy household again and how you can do that.

From experience it's better the kids live in a household free of arguments and tension and that's not going to happen if you're still with your DH.

Are you thinking you can limp through the next two years until your DS leaves home and you can save your marriage that way? You will be sacrificing your older boy.

Maryz · 18/10/2015 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 22:47

Thanks. Just feels like a lonely place at the mo. Have appreciated so many helpful messagesFlowers

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 22:50

It must be a nightmare for you, trying to walk that fine line to keep the peace, hoping that it will all just stop

waitingforcalpoltowork · 18/10/2015 22:51

i cant stress it enough call womans aid they are your best bet for making sense of it all

Custardo · 18/10/2015 22:51

its a difficult situation and I think you have a good balance right now with you dh out of the house 5 days a week. 16 yos can be very rubbish and when they clash with dh's its hard. I wouldn't say ltb unless you feel scared for yourself or your other children.

I would make sure you have some time just with ds if you can who might be feeling sidelined - especially if he is at the relatives house on a weekend when he might see the rest of you as playing happy families.

I don't think there is a solution here to be honest and I think you are handling the situation very well. good luck

Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 22:52

It might be useful for you to get some Counselling, you have some tough decisions to make and either way there will be fall out. Perhaps you need someone who can talk you through the issues you are facing

Maryz · 18/10/2015 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annielouise · 18/10/2015 22:54

I can imagine it is lonely. You're stuck in the middle. I hope you leave him for your DS's sake. I wouldn't normally come out and say something as stark as that - i.e. leave your DH - but it seems to me you're sacrificing your DS for him.

Maybe you already do but try and have some one on one time with your eldest DS. Go and have some fun for the day, re-engage with him. Talk to him. Find out what he wants. He probably wants his home and his mum but feels too old to ask you for that. You must do what's right for the three kids and I think most of us are saying that has to be prioritising the kids. You never know, in time, if your DH has the younger two for weekends at some point some olive branches might happen between him and your eldest in a few years time. You have to choose your kids though.

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:55

Sorry if my posts weren't that helpful. I really feel for you and hope there's a positive outcome for everyone involved. You sound like you're a great mum, as you wouldn't have posted on here if you weren't already concerned about ds/your family.

I can fully understand that lonely feeling, I felt it as a teen. I felt detached from and unimportant to my family. My dp retaliated similarly - to how you and your dh have - when I became ridiculously rebellious. Oh, if I could turn back time...

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:57

And I'm sure my dp think the same as i do. Life would be a lot different. Anyway, I won't bore MN any longer with my 'drivel'.

PreciousxBane · 18/10/2015 22:59

I may be totally wrong and apologies if I am but is your DH from a different heritage to you and your DS? Just that you remind me of a poster from quite a few months ago who was having some major issues.

annielouise · 18/10/2015 23:01

Sadly, I think I remember the OP from another thread when her DS was 15, if it's the same person. If it is, he's 16 now. When will things change? You have him for two more years really and need to reintroduce stability to him.

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 23:06

P.S. Sorry I left something out! I hope you do have/ had a good heart to heart with your ds. It would have helped me a great deal. My df hit me over the head with a rolled up carpet when I was a teenager. My dgf called me a slut. My dm banned me from having a job. My dgm thrust her sexist views on me. My bf ea and pa me. I was left homeless. While this is my individual experience, I still believe I can give some advice on it.

Hmmm, sorry again Chip & co, for giving 'no applicable advice' to the op.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 23:08

No dh isn't from a different heritage. Not my post

OP posts:
BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 18/10/2015 23:10

But that's not the situation here is it Aquarius? You may have wanted a heart to heart, a holiday and a cuddle but this is a different situation, unless your father was controlling, aggressive and volatile? I'm surprised at your interpretation of the thread.
I'm a foster carer for teens with SN, often single placements because of their history. If I or my DH reacted like this what do you think would happen? An all expenses fortnight in Madeira? Or the end of the placement, our careers and prosecution? Hint, it wouldn't be option number one. For good reason. Like the law, for one.

I really wouldn't suggest any counselling with your husband for any of you. I really don't see these behavioural issues your son has, I do see a huge problem incited, fuelled and extended by your husband. I see active harm of your younger children. By your husband. I see you caught on the teeth of a dilemma. Caused by your husband. Which is probably why the first step in the solution seems so clear to me.
Clear is not however a synonym for easy.

jaswales · 18/10/2015 23:11

Sounds awful OP. Has this just started since ds hit his teenage years? I agree with yorkshapudding though it takes such a lot of ss to get involved. Somehow you need to take a step back, look at the situation as a whole and be sure dh should be in you and your children's life at the moment. Sorry don't mean to be judging in anyway.

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