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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social service involvement

249 replies

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 17:45

Don't really know where to start. My husband and son have had real issues. Major conflict over the last couple of years. Ds is now 16.

Have been physical altercations between them on quite a few occasions. I've had to call the police a few times. Ds lashed out at dh on most incidents, but after dh has got in his space or tried to snatch his phone off him as a 'consequence'. As a consequence, ss now have quite major involvement and ds is on a child in need plan, as long as I agree to keep dh and ds separate (will be cpp otherwise).
We are currently having to juggle them living in the house. I.e. 2 days for dh and 5 days for ds. I have two younger children who have witnessed all this violence.

So my question is, has anyone on here had ss involvement? Any experience of a cin plan or child protection plan or experience of domestic violence between husband and son and outcome?

I guess I just need some support. It's hellish.

Please no judgement. Have been proactive in getting help for both of them in past couple of years, and am drained.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
flippinada · 18/10/2015 18:30

Drained sorry if this sounds blunt, but are you afraid of your DH? I wouldn't blame you if you were, based on what you've put on here.

Penfold007 · 18/10/2015 18:30

I would tell DH to leave, his behaviour is affecting all three of your children. If your eldest is a child in need then so are his siblings. You need to be putting your children first and protecting them.

RoseWithoutAThorn · 18/10/2015 18:31

My eldest DS is DH's Stepson. If DH was ever to treat DS the way your DH is he'd be an ex DH. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behaviour. It's bullying, aggressive and controlling. I'm glad SS are involved to ensure your DS is protected. I'm also disgusted your DS moves out of his home for 2 days a week to enable this sorry excuse for a man to visit.

Toraleistripe · 18/10/2015 18:31

Not always clear who is at fault? It's your DH as he is the adult.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:31

Also, it's ds who is on cin plan. My other dc aren't. Sw closed their case after enquiries

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 18/10/2015 18:32

Yes. He's the child. Who presumably gets shunted off out of the family home at the weekend so his abusive stepfather can come home.

Why haven't you asked your DH to leave?

Don't you think it's harmful for your other children to see their father and their brother at each other's throats? Don't you think that frightens them?

NerrSnerr · 18/10/2015 18:33

If your son is at risk of harm from your husband then what is going to be the outcome? Are they going to live apart for the foreseeable future (until your son has enough and moves out). I think you have to decide who you're going to put first as it's surely unsustainable.

NorthenFeminist · 18/10/2015 18:34

I can't believe you're not ending the relationship with your h. If you continue this marriage you are enabling the abuse. I know it's hard. I've had to end an abusive marriage but you must protect your children. You are going to lose your son one way or another if this continues.

Chippednailvarnish · 18/10/2015 18:35

Is he the natural father of your other children?

To be brutally frank, if anyone laid a finger on any of my DCs there would be hell to pay.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:35

No nothing to do with me, Heart

OP posts:
NorthenFeminist · 18/10/2015 18:37

Let ss help you and end this marriage. ss were brilliant when my end was being abusive.

NorthenFeminist · 18/10/2015 18:37

*ex

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:38

Yes he is the natural father of the youngest two dc

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 18/10/2015 18:38

Why haven't you asked him to leave?

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 18/10/2015 18:38

Yes, I have experience with this. I was the younger sibling of three brothers who experienced this firsthand with our father (and then myself, but that's not relevant here)

What you're describing sounds very similar to what my father used to do. My brothers would turn their music up loud or other typical teenage things to do, my dad would then take issue with this and dish out lots of snatchy, aggressive 'discipline' which would result in my brothers either lashing out, defending themselves or trying to leave and then being stopped by dad. It always ended in violence and the police being called.

Unfortunately for us, my mother was a meek, self-preserving weakling who didn't care to protect her children so sided with our father each time, and social services didn't give a shit.

I wish she'd had a backbone and left the cunt. Hth.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:39

No he's not abusive to me. Thank you for your messages. Do appreciate your opinions. Does help

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/10/2015 18:39

You need to split up with your husband. But if you're the poster I think you are you won't.

Crazypetlady · 18/10/2015 18:41

He does seem abusive to your son o.p for everyones sake the adult should move

NorthenFeminist · 18/10/2015 18:42

You H gets on with your younger two at the moment because they are young and the abuse is focussed on your ds. As they get older and turn into moody teenagers your H will turn abusive towards them too.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 18/10/2015 18:44

These men experience a loss of control around their children's teenage years that doesn't quite fit in with their ego, so they seek to correct it with abusive, bullying behaviour. It'll happen with the younger ones too.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 18/10/2015 18:44

But your husband is an adult so what that means is you cannot be responsible for managing this situation. You do not have it within your power to make another adult behave properly.
It's up to him to recognize how out of line he is and seek appropriate help with that and to learn parenting skills for this situation. If he is absolutely convinced he is right that rational, proportionate discipline results in SS CIN plans and having to move out then it would appear that isn't exactly the top of his priority list.

I know SS seem to have put this ball in your court but your responsibility is to yourself and the children, not managing the behaviour of the other parent who is not meeting his responsibilities to those self same children.
What has he done to address this? Apart from have to move out because he is reacting to his child like he's an 18 year old in a pub scuffle?
I'm not surprised you're tired you can't be two adults, it's unsustainable.
You don't get put on a CIN for appropriate discipline, you just don't.
I wouldn't be shunting my son elsewhere because his home is not safe for him. I'd be making his home safe for him and my younger children - what happens when they are teens? You are not ripping anyone's life apart, your husband is because he is controlling and physically abusing his son. I doubt your sons behaviour will have any chance of improving while he is coming second to the man who is 'controlling', 'restraining' and goading him in his own home. And he won't stop being violent when faced with 'retaliatory' violence.
Anger management and out of the family home. Until he gets it. Or maybe never if he doesn't.

Fairenuff · 18/10/2015 18:44

You need to separate from your dh. Surely you can see that?

starlight2007 · 18/10/2015 18:44

I can see your DS coming to you in a few years time telling you he never felt supported...

Do you not think the other two will be in the same position in a few years time...

NorthenFeminist · 18/10/2015 18:44

I'm sorry this is going to sound harsh but if you don't stop this you are not a loving mother. You are enabling the abuse and tbh ss need to remove your dc to protect them as you are clearly not able or willing to.

bunique · 18/10/2015 18:45

What's your view of your DS' behaviour in those situations OP?

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