Social service involvement

[Drained12345]

Don't really know where to start. My husband and son have had real issues. Major conflict over the last couple of years. Ds is now 16.

Have been physical altercations between them on quite a few occasions. I've had to call the police a few times. Ds lashed out at dh on most incidents, but after dh has got in his space or tried to snatch his phone off him as a 'consequence'. As a consequence, ss now have quite major involvement and ds is on a child in need plan, as long as I agree to keep dh and ds separate (will be cpp otherwise).
We are currently having to juggle them living in the house. I.e. 2 days for dh and 5 days for ds. I have two younger children who have witnessed all this violence.

So my question is, has anyone on here had ss involvement? Any experience of a cin plan or child protection plan or experience of domestic violence between husband and son and outcome?

I guess I just need some support. It's hellish.

Please no judgement. Have been proactive in getting help for both of them in past couple of years, and am drained.

Thanks for reading.

*there

Your DH is overreacting massively and is causing this. There was no need for him to react in the way he did to your DS saying he was going to bunk on the train.

I bet this is how a lot of these altercations go. If DH didn't react the way he did, there would be nothing to escalate.

This is extremely damaging for your younger children to witness and for your poor eldest t be putting up with.

Do you honestly think your DH will be like this when his bio kids are this age? Either he will because it's who he is and he needs to go or he won't because he doesn't see your DS as his at all which means it's personal, so he needs to go.

Your husband doesn't sound like he can control himself. I'd have to get him out of your lives, he doesn't sound capable of compromise.

what does your ds want? have you spoken to him?

Your dh does need more self control. But to be honest, I can hardly blame him. Counselling is needed here. A family holiday too. You all sound so detached as a family. From my own teen experience, take my advice, it will save A LOT of heart ache. I was a very difficult teen. But my parents also had their issues that aggravated my behaviour.

Aquarius?? So what do you suggest I do if they're both lying at the top of stairs with my ds practically strangling dh, and dh popping him in the mouth?? With kids watching???? Wtf

The op" dh is not her sons stepfather. A stepparent adoption makes him his father just the same as any adoption.
Confiscating a mobile or stopping a child leave the family home is normal discipline.

Your best suggestion to a physical fight is a family holiday

I think you need to have a calm, open minded heart to heart with your ds. Tell him you love him and give him a great big hug. How affectionate are you/is your family in general? How often to you chit chat about stuff/life? This is what i feel was lacking in my situation.

A child who is grounded.

Ok, that's not the way I read it. Hands up

But I think there's a deep rooted problem/s at the heart of this. Your dh is going about it the wrong way, but your ds needs to be pulled into line. It's going to take a lot of time, effort and swallowing of pride to get this ironed out.

dh forcefully shoved ds in mouth.

just rereading this do you mean he punched him in the mouth? with his own phone?

yes you were right to call the police but you should have had dh removed and pressed charges this is awful behaviour in front of the younger children too stop minimising this

Yes, what's so wrong with suggesting a family holiday? Chipped I also suggested counselling.

That sounds like you didn't witness the actual event so you can't possibly know what really happened.

Even if it did happen as stated your dh pretty much immediately escalated and inflamed the situation provoking your son further.

In this one incident your son hasn't acted in a way to be proud of either BUT this is after years of your husband acting immature, aggressive and abusively towards him. I think it's reasonable to assume husband is bigger and stronger than DS and DS quite reasonably feels under genuine threat if harm.

In addition your husband hasn't even registered the younger dc witnessing this.

GET RID!

Harry and I have similar stories. I'm also the product of an abusive childhood. I don't trust my mum with anything important and haven't since I escaped at 18.

Initially it can be explained by 'she's being manipulated/abused too' but there comes a point where that just isn't good enough any more.

I've been NC with my father for long periods of time and stupidly given in to being guilted back in to being in contact at various points. I CERTAINLY don't trust her opinions on certain issues because of how she has behaved. And I don't trust her to have sole contact with my daughter because of how she has minimised and denied my father's behvaiour.

Think ahead OP, how will you feel if your dc in the future can't trust you with your own dgc because of your response to their father's abuse?

This relative that DS is staying with, what's their opinion? Is there a chance that at 18 DS will just stay there? Because I have to be honest and say in your ds' situation I'd grab an opportunity like that with both hands.

I moved into a tiny freezing bedsit, was on miniscule wages living on plain boiled pasta - that was preferable to staying at home.

No not with own phone

What was the conversation between you and dh after this incident?

A 16 should have better self control in my opinion. Yes the dh was totally out of line to have struck his dh in the mouth. In this case though, the ds is pushing his dps to the outer limits.

Op have you considered attempting natural consequences as a behaviour management technique?band actually forcing it to happen.

What you suggested with "fine, go bunk the train on your head be it" it just a form of natural consequences.

Obviously it comes with its own risks but most of them are if it does not work (risk is he ends up in a care order due to being outside of parental control)

Your husband 'pops him in the mouth' ? That's hardly 'restraining' is it.

I couldn't watch somebody do that to my child (and yes my son is violent -he's severely autistic and beats hell out of me)!!!

Sounds like things escalate too quickly and your husband is responding in totally the wrong way.

How can you watch this?

wow, that's an incredibly tough situation to eat with. Have ds and dh had counselling together? Sounds like some rules of conflict need to be agreed.

In the short term I think your dh needs to handover disciplining ds to you and he needs to take a step back and support your decisions.

Have you tried Barnardoes? SS can give you a referral, they are great at helping family life in these situations.

also I would lay in on the line with dh. If he physically touches dc then he will be moving out and divorce papers will be following. You need to make him understand this is not acceptable and force him to seek help

Oh I see, your dh has been like this for YEARS??? Well then, that is a different can of worms altogether. Do you want advice, op? Or just reconfirmation that your feelings ob this are right? Ie. Your dh is to blame for your ds's behavioural issues? Fuck sake

" Has been intimidating towards me on a few occasions." When? How long after all this started? Frankly not surprising considering what's being modelled to him. How old was he when your husband was introduced to him? Adopted him? Did he have any say in the adoption? How were h and DS interacting then?

"Confiscating a mobile or stopping a child leave the family home is normal discipline."

Confiscating and snatching mix fight are different.
Grounding and physically stopping a child from walking away is different.
That is NOT normal.

Aquarius wtf!

What's the history of this relationship? Ie at what age did dh come into his life?

Does he have a relationship with his biological Father?