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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social service involvement

249 replies

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 17:45

Don't really know where to start. My husband and son have had real issues. Major conflict over the last couple of years. Ds is now 16.

Have been physical altercations between them on quite a few occasions. I've had to call the police a few times. Ds lashed out at dh on most incidents, but after dh has got in his space or tried to snatch his phone off him as a 'consequence'. As a consequence, ss now have quite major involvement and ds is on a child in need plan, as long as I agree to keep dh and ds separate (will be cpp otherwise).
We are currently having to juggle them living in the house. I.e. 2 days for dh and 5 days for ds. I have two younger children who have witnessed all this violence.

So my question is, has anyone on here had ss involvement? Any experience of a cin plan or child protection plan or experience of domestic violence between husband and son and outcome?

I guess I just need some support. It's hellish.

Please no judgement. Have been proactive in getting help for both of them in past couple of years, and am drained.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 21:59

Is your dh violent to your other dc?

Chippednailvarnish · 18/10/2015 21:59

Aqua I'm not sure if we are reading the same thread.

So after two years of this (the DS clearly wasn't 16 when this started), the DF has had two years of advice on how to stop the situation escalating and yet he still physically tries to stop the DS. The OP has already mentioned encouraging counseling and yet your suggestions to a teen being hit in the mouth in front of his younger siblings is a family holiday?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 22:00

Never has RTFT been more apt

Baconyum · 18/10/2015 22:00

Aquarius just the fact the dh cannot even control himself when the younger dc are witnesses is appalling. That's abusive of them in itself!

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:01

Please read my last two posts.

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:04

Ok, well. This family still sounds detached. The dh is the adult, I agree. The ds has behavioural issues, there's no doubt about that, but they're for the most part caused by his father's parenting. Also his mother's. This should have been nipped in the bud years ago. Anyway as a mother would have put the fire out way back when.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 22:05

What sanctimonious drivel

Chippednailvarnish · 18/10/2015 22:08

Quite agree Christina not a word of actual applicable advice.

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:09

Counselling is the only way forward. The ss are right in that they are not completely wanting to exclude the df from the younger dc's lives. That could well be counter productive. Op you sound confused about this all, hence you're on this thread. Ok I'm going to say it, I think your dh has issues around/with your ds not being biologically his.

YakTriangle · 18/10/2015 22:10

Its not going to help the OP to say 'you should have sorted this out years ago'. She's having the problem now. Unless you have a spare time machine, the problem needs dealing with now, not years ago.

Aquarius320 · 18/10/2015 22:12

Chip and Christina, what do you suggest then? How is counselling not applicable advice? Or the op having a heart to heart with her ds?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 22:13

Can you explain how a heart to heart with ds or a week in Benidorm is going to change dhs behaviour?

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 22:15

Aquarius are you on glue??

OP posts:
waitingforcalpoltowork · 18/10/2015 22:15

have you spoken to ds?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 18/10/2015 22:16

OP, you ask 'what am I meant to do with kids watching' . First thing? Get the bloody kids out of view!!! Seriously. Do you have any control over the kids in your house? It's concerning me that you don't seem to be getting them out of the way, you don't intervene when there is a physical altercation between your husband and your child and you appear, from your posts, to leave the 'discipline' to your husband, knowing full well what his version is.

You need to stand up a bit here and do something yourself. How many of these situations wouldn't have happened if your son was told things rather than having a bloke storming in, shouting, insulting him and blocking his path(which would've been quite threatening/goading)?

Take control yourself. Yes, your son needs to putting in line but that isn't going to happen with all of this is it?

hollyislosingthewill · 18/10/2015 22:16

If he's rude and stroppy when it's just you I'm pretty sure that's average teenage behaviour (unless mine is a major pain) I would say 85% of the time DD is pretty dramatic, stroppy, mouthy and unreasonable. Teenage years are testing and likely your younger DCs will get similar treatment when they are at that age. You can't fight fire with fire and have to carefully pick your battles your DH is acting like another teenager.

Chippednailvarnish · 18/10/2015 22:16

I wouldn't have a violent adult in the same house as my children. Ever.

And Aqua all of your harping on about counseling doesn't actually offer any protection to the children in the house.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 22:17

Yes many many times. He responds well to me. I pick my battles.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 22:18

So Why Doesnt dh follow your lead?

Chippednailvarnish · 18/10/2015 22:19

Then your DH is the problem.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 22:19

I was on the landing and dh and ds were on the stairs blocking my exit to be able to get to younger two!

OP posts:
Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 22:21

TripTrap if I'd have been able to get to them of course I would have!

OP posts:
waitingforcalpoltowork · 18/10/2015 22:21

DH needs to go you all need a break you pick your battles he causes battles he prefers attack rather than resolution do you really want to live life like this? do you want YOUR kids to live like this you must be miserable

LeaLeander · 18/10/2015 22:23

All I am hearing is one excuse after another after another. Could you explain, OP, why you are more concerned with keeping your husband in your life than with giving your son who was in your life before "D" H and is your own flesh and blood a decent start at his own life, without violence and trauma and hostility?

What a pity about the younger ones as well; I can only imagine the constant dread and fear and anxiety they live with. Is your need to keep this man in your life really more important than the children's mental health and physical safety??

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 18/10/2015 22:23

Then you tell them to move to somewhere else.

what is it you really want help with though, OP? You don't really say. You ask if anyone else has had such involvement but what is it you really want from others?

Are you happy with your husband? What do you want from all of this?

If you tell us then it will be easier to advise you on whatever it is.

Do you want help with your son? Help with sorting the husband? Help to get rid of him? Just someone to talk to? You ask about outcomes, I don't think it's the social services outcome you need to be thinking of straight off. It's your family.

So, what do YOU want?