Social service involvement

[Drained12345]

Don't really know where to start. My husband and son have had real issues. Major conflict over the last couple of years. Ds is now 16.

Have been physical altercations between them on quite a few occasions. I've had to call the police a few times. Ds lashed out at dh on most incidents, but after dh has got in his space or tried to snatch his phone off him as a 'consequence'. As a consequence, ss now have quite major involvement and ds is on a child in need plan, as long as I agree to keep dh and ds separate (will be cpp otherwise).
We are currently having to juggle them living in the house. I.e. 2 days for dh and 5 days for ds. I have two younger children who have witnessed all this violence.

So my question is, has anyone on here had ss involvement? Any experience of a cin plan or child protection plan or experience of domestic violence between husband and son and outcome?

I guess I just need some support. It's hellish.

Please no judgement. Have been proactive in getting help for both of them in past couple of years, and am drained.

Thanks for reading.

Maybe if you replace the word escalating with bullying you might be closer to the truth OP.

Maryz am I right in thinking what you are saying is in essence "would you poke a pit bull with a stick then wonder why it bites you?"

If you can see that your Dh is deliberately choosing to escalate this then I don't think he has left you much choice.

Despite ss involvement, your DH has consistently shown that getting his own way and acting how he wants (ie escalating rather than diffusing) is more important to him than anything else.

Don't put yourself in the middle of this war any longer.

You all deserve to have a peaceful, safe home. And your DH's parenting is not going to suddenly improve when your other DCs hit their teens.

He has the opinion that it's his way or the highway

Your 'd'h sounds like a violent, abusive thug.

Are the other dc safe because they're younger? Because they're biologically his?

You've let your ds down. You're continuing to let him down. And even if this bully never lays a finger on the others, you've let them down too because you're bringing them up in an environment where they'll think this is normal.

Sort yourself out and get rid of him.

I do wonder , if your DS has any contact with his biological dad ?

i would suggest you get all your paperwork together/reports from ss and go to a law firm or cab or fassit for advice all will tell you to work with them because that really is the only way im afraid however getting legal advice is a good idea i wish you luck op im very sorry about your situation to hand

needsasoxkamnesty you are very naive if you really imagine that because some paperwork has been signed the husband feels exactly the same towards the son as to his biological children.

I don't think its purely down to age that it is the non biological child who is facing the anger of the husband. I'm guessing his tolerance isn't as high for the OP's son as it is for the other children.

OP have you looked at the freedom programme?

Has your DH attended any de escalation workshops or parenting programs ones actually focusing on de escalation techniques?

It may be more helpful to step back and attempt to work out if he is being an abusive arse because he is one or if he is being one because he lacks the ability to parent a teen.

One can be fixed the other cant

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CKDbgpjezMgCFQ7jGwodprgFxA

email or ring them ^^

OP, can you clarify please? In one post you say your husband 'retaliates' to your sons aggressive behaviour then in another one you say he restrains him.

Which is it?

There is no way I hell I would make my ds leave his home for two nights a week because his father couldn't manage his own behaviour

It's not always simple op could be emotionally abused/controlled herself

I was that emotionally abused and controlled person by my ex husband, I wasn't waiting around to watch him do the same to my child.

patrick I could point you in the direction of a huge huge thread and infact an entire topic section of this forum full of adoptive parents making it very clear that yes in fact they do feel the same way

i was controlled by him and via my children now im just controlled via my children from a distance its better for me confusion for them the social worker is mitigating it somewhat by having it as supervised access however the case is going to be independently assessed if he decides there is no risk he then gets unsupervised access and then we are screwed

What is your DS like on the 5 nights DH isn't there and on the 2 nights he's at relatives?

I don't think SS would be involved if it was a case of "trying to take his phone". I think you are probably playing this right down as you know being honest means you have difficult decisions to make. If anyone treated my DD in an abusive way they'd be gone in a heart beat.

With the greatest of respect Needasock there may a little projection going on comparing your situation to the OPs. Their situation is quite different. The DH is confrontational, dogmatic, inflexible and escalates the situation. Your DF did not.

Yes the threshold for SS involvement is often so high, that your DP must be a real risk to your DS, for SS involvement. Try and not minimise what is happening OP. I know it is scary, but the first step is to face up to what has actually happened.

Massive x post, sorry Needasock

you are very naive if you really imagine that because some paperwork has been signed the husband feels exactly the same towards the son as to his biological children.

Oh, well my husband loves his step children just as much as he loves his bio children. Despite people trying to tell him he possibly can't because apparently blood is this magic ingredient.

I don't think the DH is doing what he is doing because he is not the bio father. He would probably be this way with any of them if they had the same issues.

OP I think you need to leave him, or at least separate for a long time.

My son has aggression issues which we had to learn not to escalate. That doesn't mean he gets away with it because he doesn't but if my husband acted like yours he would be gone as he is an adult and I expect him to act like one and not engage in some power struggle.

I wish you the best