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AIBU?

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Original poster

Social service involvement

249 replies

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 17:45

Don't really know where to start. My husband and son have had real issues. Major conflict over the last couple of years. Ds is now 16.

Have been physical altercations between them on quite a few occasions. I've had to call the police a few times. Ds lashed out at dh on most incidents, but after dh has got in his space or tried to snatch his phone off him as a 'consequence'. As a consequence, ss now have quite major involvement and ds is on a child in need plan, as long as I agree to keep dh and ds separate (will be cpp otherwise).
We are currently having to juggle them living in the house. I.e. 2 days for dh and 5 days for ds. I have two younger children who have witnessed all this violence.

So my question is, has anyone on here had ss involvement? Any experience of a cin plan or child protection plan or experience of domestic violence between husband and son and outcome?

I guess I just need some support. It's hellish.

Please no judgement. Have been proactive in getting help for both of them in past couple of years, and am drained.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 18/10/2015 19:32

Itsallgoingtobefine
Nothing, there was not a single thing that made me violent or aggressive. That day was a Saturday and I'd been out, came home, sat watching TV with the sound down and my stereo on.

That was one of many, one time my dad served me up sausage and mash. I didn't want it so inthrew it at the wall and called him a fucking moronic old bastard and walked off.

Another time he'd asked me to bring my washing down, I brought it down and threw it at him before punching his keyboard and breaking it.

Another time he asked if I wanted a cup of tea, I said no, he asked if I was sure and I flew into rage, grabbing him by the thraot and scrwaming in his face that i said no.

I could go on and on.

waitingforcalpoltowork · 18/10/2015 19:34

im shocked ss have closed the case on your youngest two to be honest there is disruption between my ex husband and my eldest they all got put on a child protection plan and i was accused of not protecting my children im now divorcing my husband and they have been put to child in need because im taking a proactive stand in protecting my children yes ive had to sling my husband under the bus so to speak but these are my kids its a no brainer

im sorry your going through this i think your getting off lightly my social worker would be taking you to court by now

on a practical level i think your husband needs to move out and work on his anger issues and your ds needs space and support to work on his you will then need family therapy and support to possibly reintegrate the family as a unit

good luck hope this helps

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 18/10/2015 19:34

So your son has to leave his home as a chil because you want your husband?

He'd have been out the door long ago here, childrem always come first.

What will you say to your son when he's older and processes the fact that he was second best and ended up under the protection of SS due to your choices?

What about the younger two, it's not what they should be witnessing as normal behaviour.

Seeyounearertime · 18/10/2015 19:36

See my point is, some kids are violent balls of rage for no reason. That shouldn't give them a free pass to act how they want, they still need discipline. A parent giving out said discipline shouldn't automatically be accused of abuse and told that they should be removed from their home.

I'm guessing most people that have pointed that solution have never encountered a violent teen. God help them when they do.

MaudGonneMad · 18/10/2015 19:41

There are plenty of posters on this thread who have experienced violent teens. Hmm

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 19:43

Can't answer each question, sorry. I haven't deliberately tried to minimize incidents. It's hard to go into huge detail. A poster's description of dh "escalating" the problem is most accurate. HOWEVER dh has been given two year's worth of advice on how not to do this and advised to pick his battles. He has the opinion that it's his way or the highway. Ds has the tendency to react aggressively. Not quite as simple as some posters are making out. I have been fully accountable. Contacted police, ss, spoken to schools, encouraged counselling etc etc.. ss have advised that they live apart but have said that they can't tell me to do that (yet, I imagine). Sw said that due to my "robust safety plan" (plan about who stays on each night to ensure they aren't together), she's only put ds on a CIN plan and has closed youngest two dcs cases as she doesn't believe they're at risk of harm.

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 18/10/2015 19:44

SeeYouNeartheTime

In that case I would have sought a referral to a child psychologist/some sort of counselling. I wasn't suggesting your father did something to precipitate your rage, rather that something had caused your behaviour to evolve into this.

RoseWithoutAThorn · 18/10/2015 19:45

I'm guessing most people that have pointed that solution have never encountered a violent teen. God help them when they do.

Are you saying teens are violent for no reason?

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 19:46

Just to confirm, ds is currently staying at home 5 nights per week and am in regular contact with him when he's not here. Two nights per week he's at a close family members house (who he has a great relationship with)

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 18/10/2015 19:47

HOWEVER dh has been given two year's worth of advice on how not to do this and advised to pick his battles. He has the opinion that it's his way or the highway. Ds has the tendency to react aggressively.

Your DH needs to leave until he can learn how to parent. There is no other way to resolve the situation. Your son needs you, in a way your DH doesnt. In this, you need to put your son first.

Original poster
Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 19:47

I do appreciate ALL posts. Thank you for your opinions. Definitely helps

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 19:48

You mentioned that DH has been given two years worth of advice, has he followed this?

Although the younger ones may not be under ss that can't be unaffected by the things they have witnessed

In situations like this someone has to behave like an adult...and it is usually better if that is the adult

waitingforcalpoltowork · 18/10/2015 19:49

social workers cannot tell you to split from your husband or anything like that they cannot tell an adult how to live they can however get to the point of removing a child to protect them the social worker might be saying your robust plan is protecting your children now but what about if it escalates you all need space to work on your issues

and social workers are not forever yours might take annual leave and you get another one who disagrees with the first you need to resolve this issue

child in need is not forever either they either go on a child protection plan or off the plan and if nothing changes the only way is escalation

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 18/10/2015 19:49

some kids are violent balls of rage for no reason

Hmm No they're not. There is a reason, even if you are unaware if it.

Fivegomad · 18/10/2015 19:49

northernfeminist
Fair enough, but I can only comment on what I have seen on this thread. Obviously you have your reasons for being as blunt as you were, but not having seen the other thread I wouldn't know.

Having said that, teens can become violent for no apparent reason, DV is not always as straight forward as it seems, and " just leave him" is no help to anyone. If they were able to leave, they would have done.
Life is complicated, people are complicated, life is hard, and we would all benefit from a little more kindness and understanding.
( and yes, before you point it out, I am new to mumsnet, and woefully naive-but I'm learning fast about the support available on here ).

MaudGonneMad · 18/10/2015 19:50

Your DH has had two years of intervention but still thinks he's in the right. Why are you still with him?

RoseWithoutAThorn · 18/10/2015 19:50

dh has been given two year's worth of advice on how not to do this and advised to pick his battles. He has the opinion that it's his way or the highway.

He's had 2 years worth of input and your STILL defending his actions? LTB. What's more important to you? The child you had before you met DH or him abusing your child? Your choice. I know which one I'd choose and it wouldn't be someone who was abusive, violent or controlling towards my children.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 19:53

I think Maryz has it right, you need to create some distance here

It's unfair to your ds if Dh is escalating the situation, especially after two years of input on how to handle the situation

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/10/2015 19:53

No they are not as said above, a teen pushing boundaries will copy whatever behaviour is shown to them, he's mirroring the adult behaviour.

Throw in attachment issues
Possible abandonment of birth father
Your not my dad
You don't treat the others like this
My mum loves him more etc etc
Need I go on,

This man is at fault, the younger sibs are learning the same lessons, mum should have kicked him out as soon as this started.

cleaty · 18/10/2015 19:53

Fivegomad - Plenty of people don't leave an abusive or unhappy marriage when they could. Leaving can feel scary, but it is rarely not possible.

bimandbam · 18/10/2015 19:55

Op I lived with both a violent teen (my younger sister) and a step father who.sounds the same as your dp.

You have my utmost sympathy.

In your situation I would have to prioritise the younger two dc's. Their brother kicking off is not good for them neither is their df being a control freak.

My dm finally got the strength to leave my step father after 17 years. Then my dsis took over the role as abuser. I am not proud of what I did but I made her leave the family home at 14 years old (she had somewhere safe to go) because of her behaviour. I won't go into what she did but it wasn't nice and we had younger (much) siblings that were at risk because of what she was doing.

Does your ds have somewhere safe to go? He is a child legally but you have two ypunger dcs too who need to be safe too.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 18/10/2015 19:56

Guilty

Spot on

frumpet · 18/10/2015 19:56

OK OP first question , do you feel safe ? a midwife asked me this many years ago , it took her 5 attempts at asking the question before I 'got' what she was actually asking and the answer was a resounding yes , so do you ?

Step fathers are unfortunately the bad guy whether they deserve it or not , biological mothers will generally side with their offspring whether they deserve it or not , it is instinctive .

Teenagers are masterful at pushing buttons that will leave you with itching palms no matter how wrong you know violence is , that is a fact .

I have to agree with NanaNina , have a look on-line , try and find a family therapist in your area , if you are short of cash , see if any would consider pro bono work in your situation , the fact social services are involved might entice them .

If you answered yes to my first question , then good luck and I hope this can all be resolved in a way that 10 years down the line you can all laugh about , if you answered no , then you really need to get your priorities straight for everyone's sake .

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/10/2015 19:56

Some can be violent and agressive and only think they have a reason yet when they turn into adults with rational adult understanding look back on their behaviour with horror and distress because in reality there was no reason.

waitingforcalpoltowork · 18/10/2015 19:57

I know which one I'd choose and it wouldn't be someone who was abusive, violent or controlling towards my children.

its not always simple op could be emotionally abused/controlled herself i know i was i didn't see it I DIDN'T SEE IT and social services are no help expecting you to come to your own conclusion the best thing that i was advised was get help from women's aid do the freedom program i did it and i was horrified at the control he had over me im still being controlled by him now to a degree and we are getting a divorce we live apart he gets at me through our kids now