Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had good friends visiting you for the weekend

177 replies

DisappointedOne · 16/10/2015 16:43

and then your parents arranged a family lunch, would you bring the frIends along (they wouldn't know anyone else there) for the meal or would you just decline the invitation and do what you'd already planned? WIBU?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 19/10/2015 09:57

Poor you, OP, and poor DD. Your DH and your inlaws behaved appallingly.

Hindsight is easy, but if I were you I'd not have gone to the inlaws but straight to the pub, started eating when the second/third no-show phone call came in, and then once finished, if the inlaws STILL hadn't shown up, told them you'd be leaving by X time. At least then the control would have been in your hands. Tbh, I also wouldn't have allowed lunch to be arranged for 2pm if you had to check out of a hotel at 11am - I would have been expecting to eat by 12 o'clock, in order to be able to get on your way. If that was inconvenient to the inlaws etc., tough - you have to travel, so they have to fall in if they want to see you. It's OK to stand up for yourself in this way, it really is - you don't need to do them a favour by altering your own plans.

If your DH won't stand up to them over arrangements then you need to take matters into your own hands and call them yourself with a cheery "this is what we're doing" tone in your voice, and then you can't be bullied. Take the control back.

onecurrantbun1 · 19/10/2015 10:13

Surely a McDonalds on the way home / Dairylea Dunkers from the convenience shop would have been preferable to a miserable, hungry day with only a homework book for entertainment. Your DD is the child, and if it would have been so many times better for your daughter, your DH was massively unreasonable for making you all hang around. Obviously your in-laws were massive idiots too

However, I urge you to think about the message you are giving your daighter. It is not ok for anyone, family or not, to treat you with such disrespect and at times borderline contempt. If she was so wound up it took her 2 hours to settle to sleep, then she won't be forgetting today in a hurry.

I don't know what you need to do (although I hope last night's frank chat was a start) butyou need to do ssomething to regain some control and balance.

Only1scoop · 19/10/2015 10:15

The fact that you chose to sit in
A car with a man that called you a 'cunt' is really beyond me let alone the rest of the silly crap you chose to put up with.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/10/2015 10:18

DisappointedOne Sun 18-Oct-15 16:00:04 - There's no food here. DH has just eaten all the biscuits.

DisappointedOne Sun 18-Oct-15 16:08:37 - We've none of us eaten, and we only had a light breakfast because we thought we'd be having a large meal at 2pm.

I think these posts are giving the impression that your DD didn't get enough to eat all day.

If that were true then you would have been unreasonable not to just get up and say fuck this i'm taking DD to get some food and your parents will have to fit in with us. DCs before DHs and ILs, even if it causes the shit to hit the fan.

Bunbaker · 19/10/2015 10:20

I'm not convinced that 20 people were invited to this meal. It is too much of a coincidence that there were 15 no shows.

Or maybe the 15 drop outs knew that the family have form for being unreliable with their time keeping.

What do the parents do that keeps them so busy?

EponasWildDaughter · 19/10/2015 10:21

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, and you'll react differently if there's a next time. ILs pushed this way too far and DH didn't step up.

OnlyLovers · 19/10/2015 10:32

They're flakes and twats.

I hope your DH got the message.

Now you know I'm on your side, OP, but I have to say that I calmly shit the laptop lid might have been a SLIGHT overreaction. Grin

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 19/10/2015 10:40

I'm not convinced that 20 people were invited to this meal. It is too much of a coincidence that there were 15 no shows.

PIL = 2
Us = 3
BIL 1 + family = 5
BIL 2 + family = 4
BIL 3 + son = 2
BIL 1's friend's family = 4

That's 20.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 19/10/2015 10:44

PIL provide childcare for the 6 grandchildren during the week (inc overnights), look after MIL's father and are renovating FIL's deceased parents' house at weekends. He refuses to use any trades do it takes up all of their spare time. They're both knackered.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 19/10/2015 10:44

It's taken 3 years (so far).

OP posts:
pebbletime · 19/10/2015 11:25

Wow, OP.
What did you do to get such a kicking on this thread?
(bringing other threads in is not good form, surely?)

Sounds like they are thoughtless idiots, your H is too and you gave them the benefit of the doubt until you could take no more.

You did your best in a stupid situation. Not of your making. At the end, you shut the laptop lid and ended further faffing attempts and got out of there to feed your child (ren?)

I have IL like this - they were quite happy to faff and muck around when my small children needed regular meals and routine. Thus we didn't see much of them (distance gave a useful excuse).

Seriouslyffs · 19/10/2015 11:33

I know pebble! I'm amazed at the hostility.
Flowers

TendonQueen · 19/10/2015 11:35

I didn't want to go through the details of what had been posted on other threads, so I avoided that. But once it had been mentioned initially (not by me) I think it's relevant context to know that this kind of selfishness from the husband is not a one off. I have plenty of sympathy for you
OP and hope you reach the point, if you haven't already, of deciding in Scarlett O'Hara fashion that this will never happen to you again.

diddl · 19/10/2015 11:40

Well it's ILs choice to look after their GC, but it does explain why they wanted to get on with what they were doing whilst they had the chance!

Can also see why they thought it would be nice for everyone to get together.

If you don't see them that often I can also see why your husband wanted to keep hanging on to see them.

But there comes a point when you have to realise that it won't work & leave & your husband obviously went past that.

GloriaHotcakes · 19/10/2015 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlywhirly · 19/10/2015 11:56

OP, this is an abusive relationship. Your 'D'H has been brought up to think that it is acceptable to treat people badly, especially those close to him. I think you should consider very carefully how this will impact on you and DD in the future, therefore subjecting her to the ILS dysfunctional attitudes and behaviour should be carefully managed to protect her from the worst of them. Frankly, I can't see that she has had any benefit from contact so far, and I think you would be justified in both of you avoiding it.

With 'D'H, you can suggest counselling, but this will only have any benefit if he wants to change. Consider going on your own if not, it will help you work out what you want to do, whether your marriage is worth saving.

In the short term, avoid the ILS, leave 'D'H to visit them alone, he sorts out his side of the family's Christmas cards and gifts.

NinaSimoneful · 19/10/2015 11:58

On her birthday Gloria because he wanted to go out drinking with his brother and she expressed mild surprise that he was planning to go out (quite late too) on her birthday.

He also refused to apologise for calling her a cunt because "it was a true reflection of my feelings at the time".

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 19/10/2015 11:58

Depends on the friends. I'm have some who wouldn't bat an eyelid at the thought of coming out to dinner with my family even though they've not met them and some who would be horrified.

I would assume your bil knows them well enough to consider this.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 19/10/2015 12:02

In the short term, avoid the ILS, leave 'D'H to visit them alone, he sorts out his side of the family's Christmas cards and gifts.

We don't do Xmas gifts.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 19/10/2015 12:11

Good. Less expense.

RandomMess · 19/10/2015 12:31

I would let DH take DD with him to visit without you. That we he can cope with the fallout etc. Late nights aren't ideal but won't harm your DD.

Meanwhile you get a weekend off, result.

clam · 19/10/2015 12:52

I was about to write that I was surprised to see the way some people have piled in to you on here but, actually I'm not. It's the way of MN these days.

I wonder if part of your rage is to do with a loss of power - as in, you were trapped there this weekend and weren't in control of your own movements. You were dependent upon other people, your dh, and his family's choices. How much better if you'd been able to say "fuck this, I'm off" and put your dd in the car and leave. As it was, your arse of an h was putting spanners in the works at every point.

Is this a common theme?

kissmethere · 19/10/2015 13:06

Clam
Well said I've read the thread again today and was trying to figure out why this whole thing played out this way.
Op is this the case? I hope you find the confidence to stand up for yourself if this ever happens again.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 19/10/2015 13:27

It's only really a common theme in how it relates to DH and his family, to be honest

OP posts:
lardyscouse · 19/10/2015 15:27

My Mum and Dad would love it, so I'd take them along. [We have the sort of family where my mates just pop in even when I'm not there though].