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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had good friends visiting you for the weekend

177 replies

DisappointedOne · 16/10/2015 16:43

and then your parents arranged a family lunch, would you bring the frIends along (they wouldn't know anyone else there) for the meal or would you just decline the invitation and do what you'd already planned? WIBU?

OP posts:
NinaSimoneful · 18/10/2015 19:47

You're waaaaay too late NotMe Grin The friends were a red herring. As was the lunch.

The thread is currently about in-laws not meeting OP and family until after 6pm. OP I hope you guys are at least on your way home now.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 19/10/2015 00:59

We're home. What a fucking farce. They finally got back at about 4:15pm. We put shoes and coats straight on and went for the front door when FIL sat his arse down in the living room and got his laptop out to start transferring pictures of of his camera to show us the latest on the massive fucking hole he's been digging for weeks deceased grandma's house renovations. I'm afraid DH missed all of the cues that I was about to murder someone so I calmly shit the laptop lid and threw FIL's shoes at him before merrily trilling "last one out pays" (tight bastard was up and out like a rocket Grin)

Sadly the carvery we went to had a 1.5-2 hour wait when we arrived so we had to go elsewhere (to a pub that unsurprisingly had sold out of most things by 5:30pm when we arrived). DD was climbing the walls and by the time we left at 8pm was wound tight. Took her till 10pm to calm down enough to sleep, so that's tomorrow we'll fucked. Waited till she was asleep before having very stern words with DH about letting his parents dick us about like that, how it only affects us as they're still tucked up in bed by 8:30pm and how next time he allowed it he'd find himself left there and his belongings sent afterwards. I think he may have got the message.

Further words will have to be had but I need sleep now.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 19/10/2015 01:11

Ouch Disappointed,I hope you and your DD manage a good nights sleep and that all the messing around your DH and dozey Inlaws caused doesn't affect your LO to much tomorrow.Might be just worth mentioning to her school that she had a late night and make sure to blame your DH Grin

highkickindandy · 19/10/2015 01:32

Goodness me, sounds miserable. Bored, hungry, overtired kids, and driving a long way home late in the evening - it's not fair to mess you about like that.

Next time, if you're prepared to visit again after this, maybe try & take control a bit so you're not kept hanging around if they're faffing about. For example this time if I understood it correctly you waited in their house for them to come back so you could all go to the restaurant?

Next time, arrange to meet them at the restaurant at say 1230, if they don't show, you can still have your lunch at a civilized time, then wait a bit for them if you choose, or just leave.

Alternatively, if you've got the nerve, be very clear with your husband that regardless of what happens, you are leaving by X time, and actually do it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/10/2015 01:35

Fucking hell, Disappointed, you'd better have cancelled his birthday trip already, if not this would put the tin lid on it for me!!
Mind you, it helps explain a bit why he's such a dick...

I'd have been out of there with DD hours before and let the fallout hit later.

How fucking rude of them to behave like that! No YWNBU to never see them again, certainly never make plans or sit around waiting on their convenience again - bunch of DICKS! Angry

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 04:23

The more I read of this thread the more Im convinced a big part of yesterdays was allowed to happen so Disappointed could bite her nose off to spite her face.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 19/10/2015 08:09

Okay, re the holiday: I've booked the hotel and flights separately. I'd get nothing back on the flights but the taxes which would be sorted after we no showed. The hotel can be cancelled up to a few days before we're due to arrive, so I can sit on it for now.

After last week I wanted to get very very clear in my mind what I want. I've had enough of having the same argument over and over and neither of us changing things. I want to be able to clearly state what needs to change and how we do it - whether that means counselling or whatever. At this point in time and his behaviour this weekend I really don't feel like I want to do this anymore but for DD's sake I'm prepared to agree to one more chance. If his behaviour is dyed in the wool then nobody (DD) will ever be able to say I didn't try.

He'd moved down here before I met him, so it's not my "fault" that he's so far from his family. If he feels he needs more co tact with them then I'll tell him he's free to visit them more regularly, but on his own. Now that DD is at school it's not fair to subject her to this (and she was excited about seeing her grandparents yesterday so it wouldn't have been fair to drag her away to make a point to DH this time). FWIW I grew up with no extended family nearby, and my dad's family didn't bother with us. It's not done me any harm but I feel I need to give DD the opportunity of knowing both sides of the family (unlikely to have any cousins etc on my side). It saddens and angers me that they're so unprepared to make the effort though (this goes back to her birth), hence getting to the point where I can't be bothered to either. They were talking excitedly about skyping friends that have emigrated to Australia last night - I can count on the fingers of both hands the number of times they've skyped us/DD.

So no, not cutting my nose off to spite my face.

OP posts:
Sansoora · 19/10/2015 08:17

So no, not cutting my nose off to spite my face.

I think you like it when they fail you. You could easily have ct the other day short and said enough is enough, but you didnt. You let it go on and on and one and I think you did it so you could say - look, see what they're like?

You endured an awful day. You cut your nose off to spite your face.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/10/2015 08:20

As you don't see them often I don't really get the rage tbh. So your dd has a late night once in a blue moon. Does it matter in the greater scheme of things. Not really if your dh and dd get to see their parents/grandparents.

Only1scoop · 19/10/2015 08:20

It's reads almost as though you wanted the day to pan out as badly as possible.

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/10/2015 08:22

There is a whiff of the martyr about this sitch...

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/10/2015 08:23

I agree, 1Scoop.

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 08:23

It's reads almost as though you wanted the day to pan out as badly as possible.

Yes. I agree.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 19/10/2015 08:25

You could easily have ct the other day short and said enough is enough, but you didn't

I think our definitions of "easily" differ.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 19/10/2015 08:33
Hmm Don't know why you're getting such as ard time OP! You mooted tea, lunch with a hoard was arranged, everyone flaked out and you were left hanging around and ended up eating very late before a long journey. It sounds as if you have a holiday arranged with them- my only advice is to be as independent as possible. Make plans and go ahead with them, if they can catch up that's fine if not they miss out and at least you and DD aren't hanging about.
Bunbaker · 19/10/2015 08:34

I have read back through this thread and am struggling to understand what the holiday is as there is no mention of it upthread.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/10/2015 08:50

Sorry Bun - that's my fault, there was another thread from this OP a couple of days ago about her awful birthday, I recognised her and brought the holiday thing over. My fault. Blush

Disappointed - I understand. It IS shit though, and yes, I think you really need to re-evaluate the whole situation, or rather, keep evaluating it and move towards changing it somehow, whether with (if he changes) or without him (if he won't).

I think your decision to stay away from his family is a good one under the circs. Your DD can make her own mind up whether or not she wants to go with her Dad when he visits them.

I also understand your wanting your DD to know her extended family - but honestly, if they're shits, it's not worth it. Thanks

Only1scoop · 19/10/2015 08:50

I posted 'odd thread' early on

I am also wondering where the holiday has popped up from.

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 08:51

I think our definitions of "easily" differ.

Perhaps it does but I would bet if it had all gone great you would have been peed off about it.

DoreenLethal · 19/10/2015 08:51

You were at their house and they buggered off and left you all day? Sod that for a laugh.

And your kids won't count the number of times you tried and didn't act. Next time, just fucking act. By the time they are old enough they will know that daddy takes them to see grandparents, whilst mummy stays home.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/10/2015 08:53

Why are they 'shits'? Confused they're time keeping isn't great but haven't read anywhere why they deserve to be called 'shits'

Only1scoop · 19/10/2015 08:53

Ah I think read that thread. When you make a fuss of everyone else's birthday and you got forgotten about.

I think that is pretty mean to be honest Op ....and if money is a struggle cancel the hol and don't get him that nice present you always seem to.

Either stop these things happening ....as you can do. Or just keep things as they are but stop martyring on about them.

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 08:54

Sorry, just to add. I do understand people can get into situations where they are damned if they do and damned if they dont. You have stayed in the situation with your in-laws but not in a healthy way and I still think you like it when they live up to your expectations of them.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/10/2015 08:56

Can someone point me in the direction of the other thread?

ZanyMobster · 19/10/2015 08:59

Actually the advice did change with the reverse. Looking at the POV of having friends staying to be good hosts then declining the invite would be perfectly OK.

Asking whether it would be OK to bring friends along then this would also be OK.

The actual issue is that you have in laws you don't really like, I have been there and it made my life awful, so much so that they are now x in laws as I could not spend my life with a man that could not stand up to his parents regardless of what hideous things they did and pur his own family first.

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