to think mixing up your food on a plate is bad manners?

[Moonatic]

This is dh I'm talking about. Made a pastry-topped chicken and leek pie at the weekend. Served with sweetcorn and carrots. Before eating it, he cut his whole serving into small pieces (size of a penny), then mixed it up. I got really annoyed, as dis the kids and asked him not to eat that way, because it was really bad manners. He said it wasn't. Who is right?

To add: this was just one example. If it's mixable, it gets mixed up. Cottage pie, fish pie, lasagne, pasta, curry and rice - it all turns into a big plate of mush.

There is also a sub-question: is it rude to cut your food into small pieces before eating it? By which I mean, cutting everything into small bite size pieces before starting to eat. Again, I say it is, dh says it isn't. (This is what he does with food that is less easily mushed up - e.g. something like chops, new potatoes and vegetables.

I'm with you OP and I promise I'm not hung up on table manners or uptight in general. I would find the sight of meal all churned up into a heap like a slops bucket would turn my stomach a bit. I wouldn't ever think to say anything but I'd not want to look at their plate when I was eating too.
I do consider that to be my problem though.

Sounds revolting and, yes, bad manners. I'm probably a lot older than most posters here, but good table manners to me include consideration for others and not offending anyone else by the way you behave.

What would OP's DH do in a smart restaurant? I'd be embarrassed if someone I was with behaved like this in public. I'm amazed by the number of young people who don't know how to use cutlery properly, stabbing their food with the fork and sawing away with the knife; I agree takeaways and eating in front of the TV are a lot to blame. When my DDs were small we always ate at the table and I was quite hot on table manners. As a result they grew up at ease in any social situation and this has been advantageous to them.

I'll get off my soapbox now ...

I'm with MsRinky, I wouldn't marry someone who ate like that.

Yep, that would be the kind of thing on a date that would make me not want another one.

I think it is bad manners, but it is also bad manners to comment on how he eats, especially in front of the children. It's like if someone doesn't say Thank You and you make a snide comment about that, you have been just as rude as them. But I am not saying you shouldn't bring it up with him in a pleasant way and maybe ask him to respect your feelings at a family meal when you have been to a lot of trouble and as a good example to the kids. If he still keeps doing it I would stop making nice family meals.

*Sounds revolting and, yes, bad manners. I'm probably a lot older than most posters here, but good table manners to me include consideration for others and not offending anyone else by the way you behave.

What would OP's DH do in a smart restaurant? I'd be embarrassed if someone I was with behaved like this in public. I'm amazed by the number of young people who don't know how to use cutlery properly, stabbing their food with the fork and sawing away with the knife; I agree takeaways and eating in front of the TV are a lot to blame. When my DDs were small we always ate at the table and I was quite hot on table manners. As a result they grew up at ease in any social situation and this has been advantageous to them.

I'll get off my soapbox now ...*

I agree with you.

The ref above to the slop bucket is also spot on.

That would give me " the boke"

I can't stand sitting within someone who can't eat properly, we have always sat at a table to eat and ds knows how to use a knife and fork properly

In saying that I'm not a great cook so most of my food does resemble slop....think Wendy from Butterflies

It's hard as I agree with others, totally his choice and he can eat it like that if her prefers, doubt you can change it.. But I would find it grim. If it's mush then it looks unappealing, and he isn't experiencing the delight of each bit, the crispiness of the pastry etc.. Plus the whole ritual of mixing it at the beginning of his meal. It's just weird. Wonder how this habit came about?

There's a difference between table manners and etiquette. Eat with your mouth closed, don't talk when eating, no feet on the table etc. all make sense. IMO, etiquette is more than manners, it's behaving a certain way in order to 'fit in'.

If I go out for a meal, I'm not watching how people I don't know on other tables are eating their meals and I wouldn't expect people to watch me eating mine.

Do people really take so much interest in how someone eats their meal?

Spoon away from you for soup, asparugus with your fingers... that's etiquette.

Mushing up the food someone has prepared ... that's clearly poor etiquette, but it's also bad table manners, bad manners, and plain rude and disgusting.

The way one person eats at the table has a massive impact on how everyone else enjoys the meal. Unless you eat like The Simpsons, shovelling it down without looking up from your plate and ignoring one another - which seems like a real waste of a gathering of the family - you're going to be aware of what people are doing.

If you were all sitting together not eating and one person kept picking their nose, or sticking their fingers in their ears, or scratching themselves - you'd notice, and I can't believe that all the people who are fine with this toddler behaviour would say 'let him just sit there as he pleases, it's not impacting on you if he burps/scratches/blows his nose on his sleeve. Disgusting behaviour around food is the same and worse!

In fact, blowing your nose on your sleeve is qualitatively no worse than blowing into a tissue - the snot's still there, it doesn't disappear, it's not a nice sight. But we do the latter because it's not disgusting!

Yes, totally agree SeekEvery. This is not within the realm of etiquette. It's not about using the wrong fork - the sort of thing that only someone trained to notice would see. It is basic bad manners.

Your H is eating his meal in his own home. Let him get on with it.

Why not... take a dump with the bathroom door open? Smelly poo will make the bathroom smell anyway: what's the big deal about making the landing smell a bit too? It'll disperse the smell in the bathroom, anyway! And yes, it might not be nice for someone to see you wiping your arse, but the loo roll is going down the loo anyway, and you'll wash your hands afterwards, so what's the big deal? People take shits: get over it, if they like to feel that they're part of the general family hubbub while they do? Why should they be shut away while they enjoy having a shit in their own way?

Because it's unpleasant for everyone else around, that's why. Basic manners and consideration.

Hmm...I think shit falls into its own foulsome category and doesn't really apply here. I wouldn't compare this with having a shit with the door open.

Just in the sense that it's something you wouldn't do out of consideration for others, though.

I haven't read the whole thread, Moonatic - sorry - but has anyone suggested you puree his dinner for him tonight? Serve him a bowl of completely blended mush, and say you thought that is what he wanted!

I would be very cross if I had spent ages making a nice meal, and it was turned into a plate of mush in front of me.

How can he enjoy the different flavours and textures of the food, if it has been mushed up to one flavour and texture?

I agree with everything seek has said, this sounds absolutely disgusting and it would turn my stomach to have to sit at the table and look at that. I can't believe the number of people who think this is ok! Seriously what next? People decide after mushing it up that they can't be arsed using forks so just grab it in their fist and slam it in?? I mean that would effect anyone else either right?

There are just basic standards and this doesn't cut it. We've been hearing for years that children are starting school incapable of using cutlery, this thread is a bit of an eye opener as to why that might be the case...

I understood that he's cutting it into small pieces then mixing it together, not mushing it up. So nothing like putting it in a blender SDTG , unless your blender is crap.

He cuts it into small pieces if it can't be mushed, OP says. If it can be mushed, he cuts then mushes; if not, cuts up only.

Yanbu. That would probably knock me a bit sick. I like the idea of pureeing the food and serving it in a bowl.

If he's on his own he can do what he wants. When you eat with someone else you show a bit of consideration to them. It's basic manners.

Sounds like he makes hard work of a meal tbh, I'm always too hungry to fuck about like that...
It is bad form but would only really bother me if he did it anywhere other than at home.

I'm the OP.

If it is "mushable", the whole plateful is mushed. Imagine a pastry-topped chicken and leek pie and a few vegetables chopped and mashed with a fork and then stirred together (the whole lot) before eating begins. So it looks as if it has had a quick whizz in a blender (but not a full puree).

If it is not "mushable", the entire plateful is simply cut into small pieces before eating commences.

The latter I find irritating. The former I find very off-putting, to say the least.

I'm shocked by how many people think that both ways of eating are entirely okay. I'm relieved that not everyone does.

OP further up the thread you said he knows you find it disgusting but still does it. Is he winding you up?
I'm sorry but I couldn't sit opposite this. I'd be eating elsewhere!

Yup, this would piss me off too. Not just the cutting up and mashing of the food, but his ability to say "I don't think it's rude!" and carry on merrily, not caring that his own wife thinks he is gross.

OP, you've said that you don't eat together often. It wouldn't be that difficult for him to eat like an adult on the occasions that you do. Also agree that it's not great for the children to see their father eating like an infant, but also having no regard for manners or other people's censure.

It reminds me of what my DB used to do when we were kids. He used to 'play' with his dinner, mashing things up together and piling it up into mountains or castles and whatnot. Then there would be the sound effects of missiles being launched or planes dropping bombs and crashing into the castle, demolishing it all over the plate...

It didn't bother me at the time and I remember it fondly. Because he doesn't do it any more. Because he's 44.

OP, I don't give a shit about etiquette, but I can't tolerate bad table manners that make others feel uncomfortable. Your husband's dinner would make me feel sick to look at.

One meal a week isn't worth going to war over but you shouldn't have to put up with it. I agree with PPs' suggestions to only serve him pre-mixed up food such as risotto if you're going to have to watch him eat it.

Nah, YANBU.

This would definitely piss me off too. My tolerance for weird eating habits is pretty low though, so could not bear to have a man sized toddler eating next to me.