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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp isn't happy about me getting a new bank account

127 replies

Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 11:12

About 5 months ago i got sick of dp not helping out with any bills and such he had spare cash he just frittered away so I told him it wasn't fair and to start giving me money towards the house he only works pt but agreed at around 70%. That lasted ok for a while but then he started transferring money from my account into his. So I changed my online banking password he was not happy he's still not happy.
Anyway last week my friend was telling me about her new bank and how much she liked it pretty mundane stuff , so I applied for an account and was accepted new card came today.
DP is not happy about this he's not happy I have a new card, not happy he has to pay towards the upkeep of the house, not happy he doesn't have my online banking password.
Aibu to do these things should I just give up and let him have what he wants. He's a good dad and he does his share around the house but the whole money issue drives me insane.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2015 11:17

Yanbu at all, this would be a red flag in the relationship. He is not happy, as the bank has closed doors, and he has to pay his own way. No you keep your account away from him, passwords hidden. This is said from an ex spendaholic.

CrapBag · 13/10/2015 11:17

YABU. For still being with him!

Ok a bit harsh but YADNBU. He sounds financially controlling. Why should he have your banking password! DH and I have separate finances. I have no idea how to log in to his and vice versa. It would never occur to me to ask. If either of us need to give money to the other we just do a bank transfer.

Don't give in. Of course he should contribute financially to the household and he shouldn't be stamping his feet and sulking because you are showing some independence financially.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2015 11:19

He's not happy as your not bankrolling him anymore, this would be the death knell in a relationship, unless he totally changes his attitude.

rockabillyruby82 · 13/10/2015 11:19

YANBU! What a dick! Literally I'd tell him to get over it and pay his way or he can fuck off!

UsernameIncorrect · 13/10/2015 11:19

How attractive.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 11:21

Financial abuse. Make sure he has no access to any of your accounts. If you have joint accounts, empty and close them.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 11:22

"He's a good dad and he does his share around the house"
No and no. Being a good dad means not abusing the children's mother. Doing your share means contributing financially what you can afford.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 13/10/2015 11:24

Stand your ground op. You've totally done the right thing.

GloriousGoosebumps · 13/10/2015 11:26

Why doesn't he think he should pay towards the household bills? And when he wasn't paying anything at all but also transferring money from your account what did he spend it on?

SlightlyAshamed1 · 13/10/2015 11:26

Is it a mortgage or rent? Whose name is on the deeds/tenancy? Who is the main carer of any children?

He may find someone else if he feels he hasn't enough money from you. Absolute worst case - if he works part time to look after the children and you separate then he will be the one in the property and receiving maintenance.

It's a bit of a long shot, but if he is being funny about not having full access to your money then it could get nasty.

Quornmakesmefart · 13/10/2015 11:27

As others have said, a 'good dad' helps pay for the roof over his family's head.

Definitely stand your ground.

ouryve · 13/10/2015 11:28

Well tough titty to your DP.

He needs to grow up and accept that he needs to contribute fully to your relationship and family.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 13/10/2015 11:29

Forget my previous post, it was too far fetched.

How is he about other stuff?

Shutthatdoor · 13/10/2015 11:31

to start giving me money towards the house he only works pt but agreed at around 70%.

How do your incomes differ?

Do you work and if so what is the difference in your salaries?

StayWithMe · 13/10/2015 11:33

Hang on, he works part time? Do you work full time? If so then I would like to think he does a fair share of house work! By the way he's not 'helping' do the house work, it's his house too. No one would say that the woman is 'helping out' with the housework. Sorry, but it's a bug bear of mine.

Is there enough money between you to pay bills or is he over spending and, if so, what's he spending it on?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2015 11:33

No he is not a good dad if he is like this towards you; also women write such guff when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

He is basically showing your children that this is how women are treated in relationships so he is not a good role model here to them, read up on financial abuse.

Do not put up with this from him. He really needs to be given his marching orders now because this will only escalate further.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2015 11:34

The red flags here would be, that he wants your passwords and account details, so that he can transfer money from you, to him, anytime he wants, and has got into a strop as you have said no.

Also, he is not helping you with any bills, and expects you really to bank roll him. No that is not good, decent or honest, it is awful.

StayWithMe · 13/10/2015 11:34

Sorry OP the 'helping out' was not directed to you, I just went of on a tandem there. Blush

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 13/10/2015 11:45

For god's sake don't just give up and let him have what he wants! He is being ridiculously unreasonable. He should absolutely be contributing towards the upkeep of the house/bills etc, even if he does earn less than you do. If he's not happy, then tough.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 11:47

"He is a good dad"
Really is he? Doesn't sound it to me tbh.

rockabillyruby82 · 13/10/2015 11:48

OK, I'm going to be a bit more constructive after my last post.
He should be helping somehow, even if it's just paying utilities.
But it is concerning that he doesn't want to and is spending money that he shouldn't be. This is deceitful, it's not fair and is obviously effecting your relationship.
You need to stand your ground, be honest with him. If he can't respect and understand your decision than you have a problem.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/10/2015 11:51

He is a good dad, apart from his gross selfishness in spending money on himself rather than his family.

Next time you have to tell the DC, you can't afford something because he has spunked the money on crap, ask yourself if he still feels like a good dad!

Crabbitface · 13/10/2015 11:52

Just to clarify -

Who does the majority of childcare?
Who does the majority of household tasks?

I have a feeling that those shouting ABUSE are being slightly hysterical. The OP has made no claims that he has hit, threatened, or mentally abused her - just that he is pissed off. Let's not jump the gun here. It sounds like the OP is in complete control of her finances.

Original poster
Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 11:52

He doesn't earn less than me I worked full time before I went on maternity leave when I went back to work there was new management who cut me to contacted hours. I think he expects tax credits to cover everything but that just covers living expenses I have to pay the rent out of my wages which leaves me with very little.
He's planning to go to uni next year which is why he's not working full time.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 13/10/2015 11:53

he started transferring money from my account into his.

Confused

Why on earth would anyone do this and think it was OK?

I can't get past that to offer any proper advice, sorry.

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