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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp isn't happy about me getting a new bank account

127 replies

Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 11:12

About 5 months ago i got sick of dp not helping out with any bills and such he had spare cash he just frittered away so I told him it wasn't fair and to start giving me money towards the house he only works pt but agreed at around 70%. That lasted ok for a while but then he started transferring money from my account into his. So I changed my online banking password he was not happy he's still not happy.
Anyway last week my friend was telling me about her new bank and how much she liked it pretty mundane stuff , so I applied for an account and was accepted new card came today.
DP is not happy about this he's not happy I have a new card, not happy he has to pay towards the upkeep of the house, not happy he doesn't have my online banking password.
Aibu to do these things should I just give up and let him have what he wants. He's a good dad and he does his share around the house but the whole money issue drives me insane.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 13/10/2015 12:47

My first response to the title of the OP was "tough shit". That's what you should say to him. YADNBU.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2015 12:50

Why do you think he is neither abusive nor a bad dad?. Genuine question btw.

Serious talks about finances go out the window when it comes to such financially feckless men like the one the OP describes. It also does not address exactly why he is unhappy that the OP now has a bank account of her own that he has no access to. He is unhappy because he cannot control that means of access to her money.

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/10/2015 12:53

If you get tax credits, surely you get housing benefit? We do.

LagunaBubbles · 13/10/2015 12:57

Right so basically hes not happy you've cut off his access to your money. Not happy to pay towards the upkeep of his own house??

Orangeisthenewbanana · 13/10/2015 12:59

Transferring money from your account into his, without your permission, is theft. Plain and simple. Would you tolerate any Tom, Dick or Harry doing it? So why him?

Big red flags for me. You need a serious discussion with him. And I would keep your individual finances as separate as possible!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2015 13:05

catmilk he is financially abusive, stealing op money, and getting in a strop because she is not bankrolling him anymore, and not happy that she is not giving him her account details.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2015 13:06

Yes if it was a woman doing this, it would also be unacceptable too.

Shutthatdoor · 13/10/2015 13:08

If you get tax credits, surely you get housing benefit? We do.

Not everyone does no.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 13/10/2015 13:11

Yanbu. Anyone touches my money I earned they'd be shitting through a second, newly created arsehole. You are very reasonable. Wow. Just wow. Show him this thread.

Purplepoodle · 13/10/2015 13:12

I would sit him down. Have a list of every bill that's has to be paid, every outgoing. Then write what u have coming in your wages, his wages, tax credits.

If it's in black and white he can't argue.

CatMilkMan · 13/10/2015 13:12

Attila
Why do you think he is neither abusive nor a bad dad?. Genuine question btw.

Firstly because the OP said he wasn't.
It is absolutely ridiculous that he wasn't paying towards the rent and unfair that he had spare money that presumably op didn't BUT the house work is roughly 50/50 the tax credits cover utilities.
The only fault I can see is he thought the tax credits would cover the rent which may be extremely naive and stupid but I don't think is him being a bad dad or abusive.

I see 3 stages in this situation.
Stage 1- house work is 50/50 Op pays more (not sure about who earns what) op is unhappy and this isn't working
Stage 2- they both earn the same ops husband starts paying 70% housework is 50/50 ops husband isn't happy
Stage 3- the little mess they are in now

They should make a stage 4 that will work for both of them.

OP I would suggest if you don't want to have completely joint finances 3 accounts yours, his and a joint. All bills go out of the joint, any benefits go in to the joint and you both pay in to it leaving your personal accounts with equal amounts of money in.

WeAllHaveWings · 13/10/2015 13:14

Even if he is planning on going to uni it doesn't stop him being a good dad and working full time to support his family now, unless you have agreed to him being part time to balance childcare.

This and transferring from your account without prior permission shows him up to be a manchild/cocklodger/lazy b (select as appropriate - multiple answers allowed). Sulking because you react by blocking his access further confirms this - he is acting like a child and you are responding by treating him like one.

I assume you take care of all the finances and he has this illusion that you are rolling in it/he has nothing, and he has no concept of keeping a tiny bit in the bank for emergencies. He only see his own needs.

You need to have a serious talk about finances, and his plans for uni (if they materialise - does he realise uni might be quite hard work and it doesn't sound like he has a get up and go for it attitude) before you end up supporting him through a uni course that he probably wont complete and will bring you only expense and no benefit. And when I say talk I mean he needs to convince you he is a financially responsible adult who will do his share of providing for his family.

If you are really brave let him read this thread.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 13:14

He is not contributing what he should and he stole money from her. Therefore he is financially abusive and a bad father.

How hard is that to understand?!

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 13:15

Last post was to CatMilkMan. And having a joint account with this idiot is a TERRIBLE IDEA.

Muckogy · 13/10/2015 13:15

cocklodger alert.
why do women put up with these tossers?

peggyundercrackers · 13/10/2015 13:23

surely it doesn't really matter that you work FT an he works PT - the normal mantra on MN is that all money in the house is family money and is shared evenly. so if you earn 1000 and he earns 500 you have 1500 in a shared a you bills are 1000 - that leaves 500 in the shared account - this should be split evenly between you so you should get 250 each for spending.

its not fair if you had 1000 left over to spend at the end of the month and he only has a tenner.

Booyaka · 13/10/2015 13:25

I think you're both being unreasonable TBH. I don't think he should have your card or access to your account or your password and he should contribute to the household.

But I think YA probably BU too, he shouldn't be paying 70% of the bills if he earns less or the same as you. It should be 50/50. If you mean you want him to hand over 70% of his income that's high. It would only be fair if you also put 70% of your income towards bills too.

When you say he works part time because he intends to go to uni, do you mean he is studying now? i.e. Access course?

RussianTea · 13/10/2015 13:38

Can you explain the thing about working PT now because he's planning to go to Uni next year OP? Are there more hours available if he wants them? What about other jobs?

CatMilkMan · 13/10/2015 13:38

AnotherEmma
He took money from a bank account that wasn't his without permission and he is very wrong for doing that but it isn't black and white, it was an account he had been paying 70% of his wages in to for four months which may have been making up for the past but could have left him with no money. We don't know how much he took or why and without knowing that I don't think we should label him as harshly as you are.

If this was switched to a woman taking money out of her husbands account after paying in 70% of her wages while they both earned the same amount and did the same amount of house work I don't believe you would be saying the same thing.
AnotherEmma while I'm sure it's easy for you to sit and label him as abusive and leave him nice and neatly in that box you are forgetting the humanity involved. You are forgetting the back story, the love, the work they have put in together in other things.

I think OP and her husband should work together on this situation, he is in the wrong but that doesn't mean he will always be.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 13:40

CatMilkMan
"He took money from a bank account that wasn't his without permission "
That is otherwise known as stealing.
And none of that "you wouldn't say that if the gender roles were reversed" bullshit. Because it is bullshit.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 13:42

"he had been paying 70% of his wages in to for four months which may have been making up for the past but could have left him with no money"

You're not very good at maths are you? 100% - 70% = 30% which is not "no money". A lot of people have to spend 70% of their income on mortgage/rent and bills. Boo fucking goo.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 13:43

goo should be hoo! Damn autocorrect!

CatMilkMan · 13/10/2015 13:47

So you picked 2 things you disagree with me on out of my post and one of your arguments is "that's bullshit because it's bullshit because I said its bullshit" which is an impossible sweeping statement. If my DP was short on money so took money out of my account without asking it wouldn't be a problem at all but to you as I said before apparently everything is completely black and white.

I'm not going to bother replying to you again since you apparently won't accept any opinions other than your own which makes talking to you completely pointless.

peggyundercrackers · 13/10/2015 13:48

AnotherEmma how can he be stealing money when all money coming into the house is family money - he is entitled to it as much OP is.

CatMilkMan · 13/10/2015 13:51

Cross post! I understand that he is left with 30% but presumably he has to spend that on things as well, it's completely possible that he just ran out of money and thacts what I presumed.
If he took money out of the account which he didn't need and he was just doing it because he could then he is even more unreasonable.