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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp isn't happy about me getting a new bank account

127 replies

Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 11:12

About 5 months ago i got sick of dp not helping out with any bills and such he had spare cash he just frittered away so I told him it wasn't fair and to start giving me money towards the house he only works pt but agreed at around 70%. That lasted ok for a while but then he started transferring money from my account into his. So I changed my online banking password he was not happy he's still not happy.
Anyway last week my friend was telling me about her new bank and how much she liked it pretty mundane stuff , so I applied for an account and was accepted new card came today.
DP is not happy about this he's not happy I have a new card, not happy he has to pay towards the upkeep of the house, not happy he doesn't have my online banking password.
Aibu to do these things should I just give up and let him have what he wants. He's a good dad and he does his share around the house but the whole money issue drives me insane.

OP posts:

Inertia · 13/10/2015 11:54

If you are a genuine partnership then you need to sit down and agree a fair and equitable split of bills according to income. Whose name is the house in? Do you both have the same disposable income after contributing to bills? Is he a stay at home parent therefore his capacity to earn is limited?

If you have joint accounts then you should both have access. If he is not contributing to bills, not contributing to the household in other ways such as childcare while you work, and demanding access to all the household money so he can spend it on games, shoes and beer the then that's obviously not acceptable.

Don't give in just because he's moaning. If you're partners, you need to figure out a financial system which works for your household.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 11:55

" He's planning to go to uni next year which is why he's not working full time."
How does 'planning to go to uni' preclude one from working?

Original poster

Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 11:57

We're pretty 50 50 around the house.

OP posts:

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 13/10/2015 11:58

Why do women say "he's a good dad" when he's clearly the exact opposite. A good dad pays his share of the bills where he and his children live. A good dad doesn't steal money from his childrens mother. A good dad provides for his children.

He's not a good dad. And you would probably be a better mother without him cocklodging.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/10/2015 11:59

I would have thought you would work more hours if you were planning to go to uni to build up funds to cover your loss of income.

At best he is financially clueless and at worst he is like a teenager expecting handouts from their parents (or in this case partner).

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/10/2015 11:59

So many things wrong
For a start it's 10 months until the next university year starts so why isn't he picking up more work now?

Do you claim benefits as a lone parent op?

lorelei9 · 13/10/2015 11:59

I would have thought planning to go to uni would be more reason to work all the hours he possibly he can, not less of a reason.

you need to sit down and have a proper conversation about financial arrangements. I can't tell what you normally do from the limited amount you have posted but he sounds like he just expects you to bankroll him and I'm afraid I don't know what the point is of being with someone like that.

unless you actually agreed, somewhere along the line, to mostly support him in exchange for him being a SAH?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2015 11:59

"DP is not happy about this he's not happy I have a new card, not happy he has to pay towards the upkeep of the house, not happy he doesn't have my online banking password"

Op, his attitude sucks, just as well you have separate accounts, do not ever let him know your account details. As well as paying for the upkeep of the house, is he expecting you to fund him at uni!

HoHeyChick · 13/10/2015 12:00

'He's planning to go to uni next year which is why he's not working full time'

Sounds like a lazy bastard to me who expects you to bring up his children, run the house and work to cover all bills and living expenses.

You would be better off emotionally and financially on your own. Unless of course he bucks up his ideas and decides to work full time and do his uni course from home in the evenings like thousands of other people who have responsibilities.

Stand your ground now because you will set the tone for the future of your relationship and his expectations of you and your expectations of him.

Good luck OP. x

CocktailQueen · 13/10/2015 12:00

*Why do women say "he's a good dad" when he's clearly the exact opposite. A good dad pays his share of the bills where he and his children live. A good dad doesn't steal money from his childrens mother. A good dad provides for his children.

He's not a good dad. And you would probably be a better mother without him cocklodging.*

This ^ x 1000

He's stealing from you! He's financially controlling! He thinks it's OK for you to bankroll him and for him not to pay towards the upkeep of the house. What sort of message is he sending your dc about the role of a man?? WTF is going to happen when he goes to uni? Are you going to bankroll him too?? Am quite at this post.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 12:02

So you've never heard of financial abuse then, crabbitface?

"have a feeling that those shouting ABUSE are being slightly hysterical. The OP has made no claims that he has hit, threatened, or mentally abused her - just that he is pissed off. Let's not jump the gun here. It sounds like the OP is in complete control of her finances."

In complete control of her finances?! HE STOLE MONEY FROM HER BANK ACCOUNT!

FingerOFudge · 13/10/2015 12:03

I don't understand why you have to pay the rent out of your wages?

Definitely keep your account separate. I completely trust my DH (and I hope v. v.) but we still have our own accounts, plus a joint a/c for joint outgoings. If anything comes up out of the ordinary, we would both stump up for it.

I am glad you do think he is a good dad, but you do have to be able to trust your partner. I think it's an essential, not a desirable! You need to have a good talk about the finances, maybe do a budget so you can both see what e.g. the tax credits cover, what your salaries cover etc. Especially if he's studying next year, you need to know you have the essentials covered.

AyeAmarok · 13/10/2015 12:04

He's a bad dad.

He's a bad partner.

He's bad with money.

He's going to uni next year, quelle surprise. That will help your financial situation, won't it.

Doesn't sound like much of a team to me, OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2015 12:06

He does not sound like he's a man to have a reasonable discussion, but op does need to sit down and talk to him about his responsbilities, and make sure he sets up a standing order every month, into op account for bills

TheClacksAreDown · 13/10/2015 12:07

If he is going to uni in 11 months time, now would be an excellent time for him to be working FT to bolster reserves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2015 12:13

And he will undoubtedly expect you to bankroll him through his university studies as well.

He is not a good dad or partner to you. Such men do not respond to being talked to about their responsibilities, he knows full well and does not give a monkeys. He will probably dismiss you as nagging him again.

What do you get out of this relationship now OP: what is the payoff for you here re him in all this?.

Shutthatdoor · 13/10/2015 12:13

If you are earning the same why are yout proposing that he puts in money to cover 70% of costs?

Surely that it should be 50% each?

I'mean a bit confused tbh.

Crabbitface · 13/10/2015 12:16

If you are earning the same amount, doing the same amount of childcare, doing the same amount of housework, eating the same amount of food etc etc, you should be paying the same into the household. If he can't see this, he IS being unreasonable.

Crabbitface · 13/10/2015 12:22

AnotherEmma

Yeah and she changed her password. Like I said - she is in complete control.

molyholy · 13/10/2015 12:23

Still trying to get my head round the fact that starting uni next year means he can't work full time at the moment

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 12:24

No she isn't. He already got her password and transferred the money. Has she got the money back? Doubt it. He's already putting pressure on her to share her new password and he's "pissed off" because she's opened a new account. I wouldn't be surprised if he is manipulative and controlling in other ways.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 12:24

Cross post, my last reply (22:24) was to crabbitface.

Stealing money from a partner = financial abuse

BestZebbie · 13/10/2015 12:36

About the new card, is he projecting from himself a bit there?
As in, if he went and got a new credit card, he would then max it out and get into debt, so he is suspicious that you have started keeping your finances secret from him and got a new card in case you are getting the family into debt now too? Or does he think you have started an affair and want to keep spending on your new partner a secret from him? etc.

Crabbitface · 13/10/2015 12:43

AnotherEmma -

I like to ask for more information before I make assumptions and accusations and that is what my post was doing.

For the record (and earlier posts will show this) I do think that the OPs partner is being utterly unreasonable.

HOWEVER without all the facts the post could have been flipped around and had an entirely different outcome. Say it was the male partner who worked full time and the female partner only worked limited hours because she had to do all of the childcare and house work. Say the male partner paid all of the bills from his account and all tax credits were paid into his account too. But the little money the female partner had didn't go a long way and when she had to pay for a school trip...or school photos....or really wanted to treat the kids to soft play....or anything else that could be regarded as frivolous she transferred money from the joint account or his account to hers to cover it. This could be regarded as stealing or it could be perfectly justified.

My point was not to suggest that financial abuse was not taking place but that perhaps it is better to ask for more details before accusing someone of abuse. So that is what I did. The OP kindly answered those questions and upon receipt of more information I was able to form an opinion - that she is absolutely not being unreasonable.

CatMilkMan · 13/10/2015 12:43

You need to have a serious talk about finances, make a plan your both happy with and stick to it. You should be really honest with him, tell him how you feel. As far as other posters calling him abusive and a bad dad, I strongly disagree. Some of the things people are saying are clearly factually incorrect.

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