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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp isn't happy about me getting a new bank account

127 replies

Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 11:12

About 5 months ago i got sick of dp not helping out with any bills and such he had spare cash he just frittered away so I told him it wasn't fair and to start giving me money towards the house he only works pt but agreed at around 70%. That lasted ok for a while but then he started transferring money from my account into his. So I changed my online banking password he was not happy he's still not happy.
Anyway last week my friend was telling me about her new bank and how much she liked it pretty mundane stuff , so I applied for an account and was accepted new card came today.
DP is not happy about this he's not happy I have a new card, not happy he has to pay towards the upkeep of the house, not happy he doesn't have my online banking password.
Aibu to do these things should I just give up and let him have what he wants. He's a good dad and he does his share around the house but the whole money issue drives me insane.

OP posts:
CatMilkMan · 13/10/2015 18:27

I must have misread, I thought he was paying 70% and you 50% sorry.
He needs to get his shit together.

OutToGetYou · 13/10/2015 18:51

Isn't giving your bank password to someone else a breach of the bank rules?

Shutthatdoor · 13/10/2015 18:54

I must have misread, I thought he was paying 70% and you 50% sorry

The OP wasn't very clear to be fair.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 19:44

Shut I thought it was pretty clear, let's not blame the op if someone misunderstands. She probably gets enough blame from her "D"P Sad

peggyundercrackers · 13/10/2015 20:04

Even though you put in 90% and he only puts in 70% you will still have more disposable income if you earn much more than him so agreeing on % you each contribute still wouldn't be fair.

If this post was written the other way around the man would be accused of being financially abusive because he isn't spending enough of his money and because the only way to organise finances would be shared money in a household where kids are involved.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 20:05

peggy THEY EARN THE SAME. And before he started paying 70% he was paying NOTHING.

Original poster
Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 21:59

Before he started contributing I was working full time it's only now that our income has dropped I've noticed how bad with money he is.
I'm sorry if I haven't been very clear everyone in the house is suffering with a tummy bug. So it's been a rubbish day all round.

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 13/10/2015 22:02

Shut I thought it was pretty clear, let's not blame the op if someone misunderstands. She probably gets enough blame from her "D"P

I'm not blaming the OP, just wasn't sure, and neither were others, as to what the 70% meant.

Nothing wrong with that WinkSmile

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/10/2015 22:04

Cocklodging?. Nobody lives for free, of course he should contribute.

Lightbulbon · 13/10/2015 22:12

This is financial abuse and cocklodging.

Speak to women's aid if you want a irl voice to explain financial abuse more clearly to you.

Lightbulbon · 13/10/2015 22:41

Since financial abuse is rarely the only sign of a problem relationship I looked up your previous posts, op.

Have you heard of cognitive dissonance? I think you have it re: your dp and chores. On this thread you say you are equal but that's not the picture you paint over several months on several other threads.

There are also other signs of coercive control in your relationship which are worrying.

Maybe you yourself should read all your old posts together to see if you can see the pattern?

Notcontent · 13/10/2015 22:58

Outtogetyou makes a really important point.

Putting everything else aside, you CANNOT give your bank account PIN number, password, etc to someone else - your bank will be pretty unhappy about this. If, for example, there were some fraudulent transactions on your account - normally your bank would cover that - but if you have shared those details with someone, you will get no help from the bank, because you have not kept your side of the bargain.

HelenaDove · 14/10/2015 00:07

peggy if it was the other way around and the OP was expecting tax credits to cover everything (instead the OP has already stated that its HE who expects tax credits to cover everything) you would be one of the first in line saying she was in the wrong and very likely having a go at her for claiming in the first place.

GruntledOne · 14/10/2015 06:31

OP, he must presumably have given some reason for his belief that he should be able to help himself to your money? What is it?

PeopleLieActionsDont · 14/10/2015 09:34

How is he going to pay for university OP?
If 70% of his income is paying towards bills (and really that should be 80% and you should only he paying 80% of your income towards bills) and he cannot get by on the 30% he has left, how is he going to pay tuition fees and for books/travel to university?

I suspect he is expecting you to pay for it.

The thing is, if you do, you need to remember that an education benefits him. It's not something you can claim against if you split further down the line, so be wary of investing your money in it.

I honestly don't think he can afford it.

Original poster
Justbatteringon · 14/10/2015 09:57

He's eligible for student finance. people he's hoping to get into nursing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justbatteringon · 14/10/2015 10:00

He thinks of it as family money he's an asshole believe it or not things are better now than they used to be. But if this doesn't change that'll be the end I'm just sick of his behaviour.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 14/10/2015 10:01

So in that case his money is also family money, and you can help yourself, yes? So he'd be totally fine with you having his password and taking his money?

No? Didn't think so.

Look, even you admit he's an arsehole. Why are you still with him?

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2015 10:05

He sounds awful, op, real freeloader. His attitude to you saying no more and changing your passwords and account details, so he cannot syphon more money from you, is very telling. Definitely in this situation keep your finances separate from him, mabey a joint account whereby you both have a standing order each month, for bills and food. If he is not contributing to that fairly, than off he goes.

Original poster
Justbatteringon · 14/10/2015 10:08

I do have his password and his pin and if I really needed his money for the kids or something I would take it but I would ask him first and tell him what it was for I can't think of a time I've ever done that though.

I don't know why I'm still with him he is very good with the kids gets up with them feeds them most of their meals takes them on trips out baths them and puts them to bed most nights.

He might do stupid things quite alot but he is trying to be better.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2015 10:15

That is a big red flag though. He does not feel he has to contribute to household expenses, and feels quite entitled. He believes your money is there to help himself. I would give him one last chance, open up a joint account, make sure he has a standing order so that a set amount of money comes from his wages into it, for bills and outgoings. If he is short of money, he is to ask you if you can give him some. If he still abuses this, off he goes.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/10/2015 10:19

I have also had a quick skim of some of your other emails. This isn't the only problem with his behaviour. He is rigid and controlling in other areas, it sounds like he thinks the world revolves around his needs and desires. He sees himself as the primary decision maker with others doing as they are told. No wonder he is in a bad mood, you have taken away his choice over your money. How dare you think for yourself instead of doing what he wants! Do you want to have to fight to get your voice heard in your relationship for the rest of your life?

NameChange30 · 14/10/2015 11:21

"If he is short of money, he is to ask you if you can give him some."
Why should he be short of money? He contributes less to the household expenses and less for the children. He has 30% of his salary to play with, the OP only has 10% of hers (and she spends some/most of that on the children).

I haven't read your other threads, OP, but I'm not surprised to hear that he's controlling in other ways. Financial abuse doesn't usually happen in a vacuum and it's likely there is emotional abuse as well. Does he do any of these things?
30 signs of emotional abuse

PeopleLieActionsDont · 14/10/2015 11:26

People have differing views to money. Dh grew up in a family where his married parents had completely separate finances. My own parents shared everything. Dh and I have completely joint finances which I control but this only works because we have the same attitude to spending.

In relationships where there are different approaches to spending, I think it is sensible to work out a way to split bills fairly and each person have their own money.

You do have to be able to trust him not to take your money just because he wants something for himself, if it is your own personal spending money. Access to joint funds to pay bills/buy for household or children, is fair enough, so long as you are not dealing with a gambler or someone who would blow the mortgage on shoes!

Why did he take your money? If he is just viewing it as his right to spend and wasn't for the dc then you have to iron this out. It's not impossible to change his attitude to money - I don't think you are in ltb territory just yet.
Am glad to hear he is getting finance for the nursing and isn't expecting you to pay for it. As a next step I would recalculate what each of you pays towards bills, so that it really us fair. If you earn the same, you should pay the same. Expenses for ypur chold should come out of joint money, rather than your personal money.

If you really can't trust him not to take what is yours, then you are in ltb territory but it might just be a question of him adjusting his views. Only you can really judge that though. I do think it's positive that he pulls his weight at home.

PeopleLieActionsDont · 14/10/2015 11:28

Have posted without knowing any of your other posting history.