Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Dp isn't happy about me getting a new bank account

127 replies

Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 11:12

About 5 months ago i got sick of dp not helping out with any bills and such he had spare cash he just frittered away so I told him it wasn't fair and to start giving me money towards the house he only works pt but agreed at around 70%. That lasted ok for a while but then he started transferring money from my account into his. So I changed my online banking password he was not happy he's still not happy.
Anyway last week my friend was telling me about her new bank and how much she liked it pretty mundane stuff , so I applied for an account and was accepted new card came today.
DP is not happy about this he's not happy I have a new card, not happy he has to pay towards the upkeep of the house, not happy he doesn't have my online banking password.
Aibu to do these things should I just give up and let him have what he wants. He's a good dad and he does his share around the house but the whole money issue drives me insane.

OP posts:

Funinthesun15 · 13/10/2015 13:51

Why should he pay 70% of the bills (which is what I have read the OP as) if the earn roughly the same.

It surely should be 50:50.

If the OP is only paying 30% towards bills where is her extra money going?

DanishBlue · 13/10/2015 13:59

But surely he won't be going to Uni until September, so why isn't he working full time until then?

SilverOldie2 · 13/10/2015 14:00

"DP is not happy about this he's not happy I have a new card, not happy he has to pay towards the upkeep of the house, not happy he doesn't have my online banking password"

Don't you find this a really big turnoff? It would be for me and my response would be tough shit, either shape up or ship out.

Definite cocklodger alert. He's going to university next year - in what way does that prevent him from working full time now? He should be working full time and more to enable him to contribute to the household next year.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 13/10/2015 14:09

But surely he won't be going to Uni until September, so why isn't he working full time until then?

He may be doing some sort of access course.

jamtartandcustard · 13/10/2015 14:10

dh and i have separate finances. we have a joint account, pay 50% each on the household bills, then whatever is left is ours to spend how we want, although big puchases - cars, holidays etc, we always discuss with each other first. So it doesn't matter if he works full-time and me part-time, or vice versa, or if one of us earned 50k and the other 20k. we both live here we both contribute equally. Also I have no idea how to access his online banking, and he doesn't know mine, although we both know each others PIN's so if we really wanted to could go to a cash machine but that's a wee bit extreme.
OP - how have you put up with this so long? obviously your dp isn't happy, he's had an easy life sponging off you and is now being made to be responsible. Time to tell him to grow up and be responsible

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2015 14:16

He's not contributing anything at the moment. They earn the same, outgoings should be split 50/50. But his attitude us awful, stealing
From op account, yes it is, he did not ask permission, his general attitude that op should be funding him, and shoukd be paying everything. His unhappiness at op changing her password and not allowing him access.

Grazia1984 · 13/10/2015 14:29

He doesn't sound very wise with money so it seems sensible to have the separate account and change passwords particulraly as I suspect they are not married, just living together

Original poster

Justbatteringon · 13/10/2015 14:57

Re: the going to uni thing and not working full time at the min we don't exactly live on a thriving town if he quit his part time job to go full time who's to say be would be able to get his part time job back. That's quite flexible for him. He is looking for work over Christmas and will probably get a summer job.

He's not paying 70% of the bills he contributes 70%of his income if we both only contributed 50% of our pay we'd be in serious trouble. I contribute about 90% of mine and what's left usually goes on things for the kids other than the odd lunch at work.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2015 15:04

So you earn about the same and he contributes 70% of his wages and you contribute 90% of yours? Why not both contribute 80%? The full time work thing is bollocks, that's no excuse for him not to work more.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 15:11

Yep, as Nerr said, it should be 80% each.
Also, you spend most of your disposable income on the children, while he has more disposable income, but presumably spends it on himself? But aren't they his children too? He is lazy, selfish and taking the piss.
Why have you accepted this situation up to now, OP? Genuine question, not a criticism.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 15:21

peggy
"AnotherEmma how can he be stealing money when all money coming into the house is family money - he is entitled to it as much OP is."
Because it's not a joint account, it's her account. It sounds like they don't have joint accounts/finances (thank God). As far as this "man" is concerned, his money is his, and her money is his. That's not the kind of person you enter into an arrangement of "all money is family money" with.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 15:21

Also if they're not married they are not legally a family.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 15:25

Sorry, last point. He doesn't share his money with her, so why should she share her money with him? She has already been paying the rent and bills for him and his children for all but the last five months. He is not "entitled" to any MORE of her money.

RussianTea · 13/10/2015 15:29

Also if they're not married they are not legally a family.

If they're not married, then they're not legally married.

RussianTea · 13/10/2015 15:33

That does make reasonably good sense. Is he also spending time working on his uni application etc?

As pp said, 80% each would be fairer.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 15:33

^ If they're not married, in the eyes of the law it's not "family money" - that's what I meant. I'm sure there are plenty of unmarried partners with separate finances who manage just fine. A joint account isn't essential, although it is probably practical if you trust each other.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 15:34

Argh cross post! I was replying to your 15.29 postz

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/10/2015 16:05

Separate point but if you were a victim of banking fraud, cloned cards, etc I have been twice in the past few months, you would not be entitled to any money back from your bank as you had shared your password with someone else.

A few questions. How is he going to support himself and contribute to the family finances when he goes to university? Why is he waiting a year? Why does he need a degree? Is it something he definitely needs for a chosen career path or is it something where he can avoid reality for the next 3 years with no set goal in mind. Why can't he do a full time job and the part time job if it so flexible?

Grazia1984 · 13/10/2015 16:44

There is never a right ansxwer about these things. We both worked full time and always had everything in joint names and were married which worked well and we both had the same view about money - saved it, were very careful, long term aims to pay off mortgages as soon as possible etc. If people aren't similar with money then it can be wise to keep separate finances. We kept up everything joint even when I got to the point of earning 10x what he did and it wasn't an issue as we both still spent fairly modest sums as our personalities regarding money and spending were the same.

lovemyway · 13/10/2015 16:53

I don't think money or banks are the real issue here....

YellowTulips · 13/10/2015 17:02

Does he think it's ok to take money from your purse without asking?

Jux · 13/10/2015 17:12

You both put your entire income into one account which pays bills, rent, food etc. Of what's left, some goes to savings. The rest is fun money and is split equally. If you have children, then fun for them too has to be taken into account before splitting the rest for you and 'd'p.

Mind you, a good dad doesn't treat himself before his dp and child, nor does he steal money from his dp's account.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 17:25

OP, before you persuaded him to grudgingly contribute 70% of his income towards mortgage/rent and bills, how long was he earning without contributing anything?

Let's say your mortgage/rent, bills and other essentials (food etc) are £1000/month. Let's say you both earn the same, or thereabouts, so it's fair to split the expenses 50/50. In this scenario, by paying for him, you've been giving him £500/month. Firstly, what on earth has he been spending his salary on during that time?! And secondly, think what you could have done with that money - you could have saved up for a rainy day, a house deposit, a family holiday... Or treated yourself a bit, just as "D"P seems to do all the time.

Obviously it's done now, so there's not much point going over it, but I can't see why you'd want to stay with someone who thought it was ok to contribute fuck all towards essential living expenses for himself and his family. Then stealing from you - it should be the final straw really.

HackerFucker22 · 13/10/2015 17:28

Is university going to lead to a guaranteed, full time job with a decent salary immediately upon graduation?

Ricardian · 13/10/2015 17:30

You both put your entire income into one account which pays bills, rent, food etc. Of what's left, some goes to savings. The rest is fun money and is split equally.

Or alternatively, you put your salary into your own account and have a standing order for the agreed contribution to the joint account. Both work. The way I've described is less prone to problems.

What you don't do is have access to each other's sole name finances. After 30 years, we don't have each other's PINs or online banking details, and I can't think of any reason why we would want them.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6