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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

257 replies

FlameProofBoots · 12/10/2015 19:08

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 13/10/2015 14:17

To me it just seems like they've been over cautious. They didn't even bother to ask OP what happened, just assumed because she self harmed they needed to make a referral. I think it shows ignorance towards mental health issues and a judgemental attitude

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 14:19

you don't think that cutting yourself and ODing while in charge of small children is an issue for SS? Confused

TaliZorah · 13/10/2015 14:20

Lisbeth I'm aware they have a duty of care however I was under the impression as long as the child was cared for, that was fine. I did not realise they will flag up if the parent is unwell even if other support is in place. Personally I'm uneasy with that.

Anyway like I said hope OP gets it sorted

Poopy22 · 13/10/2015 14:20

Sorry Tali I do see where you are coming from but when a mother overdoses in the house and then self harms when children are present and could be witness to it, it's not good, is it? I realise there's a difference between cutting your wrists to kill yourself and cutting to get a release but really if the OP is in that headspace in the family home there needs to be some help put in places. Ever heard of the phrase 'better safe than sorry'?

TaliZorah · 13/10/2015 14:21

I don't personally think self harm is an issue for SS. The overdose I can understand but they should have talked to OP before just jumping the gun.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 14:22

and Tal, people in nurseries and schools do have a 'judgemental attitude' it is part of their job.
Honestly you need to know this if you have small children.

TaliZorah · 13/10/2015 14:23

Poopy I understand better safe than sorry but things like this make people terrified to seek help. I was terrified to tell anyone id had a depressive episode when pregnant in case they got SS involved. People with mental health problems are scared of being judged and stigmatised and going behind OPs back and referring her just adds to it. At the very least they should have asked her what happened

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 14:23

" I don't personally think self harm is an issue for SS "

so you would be happy for a small child to happen to come downstairs and see his mother cutting her arms and blood everywhere?
YOu don't think that might traumatise him, a tiny bit?

DawnOfTheDoggers · 13/10/2015 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorah · 13/10/2015 14:24

Lisbeth but that's how people see a tiny part of the story and come to the wrong conclusion. Looking for abuse is understandable snooping on parents and assuming mental health issues mean there's a risk isn't okay

TaliZorah · 13/10/2015 14:25

Most people who self harm do it away from everybody else. Very few people do it in a place where they could be discovered.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 14:26

Tali if you have a child you need to wake up and smell the coffee

DrasticAction · 13/10/2015 14:27

but they should have talked to OP before just jumping the gun.

i agree people here one or two things them impose their own perceptions/experience on them.

one must go back to the actual FACTS. cant belive anyone can defend otherwise.

You cant play "chinese whispers" with someones real life.

DrasticAction · 13/10/2015 14:29

The problem Tali is cases like Poor Daniel, scavenging in a bin and yet it was missed along with all other major signs of problems.

They swing back the other way in response.

TaliZorah · 13/10/2015 14:30

drastic I get so confused how cases like that are missed yet cases like OPs are flagged up! It seems so strange.

ElizabethG81 · 13/10/2015 14:30

Tali, the OP has stated that she did this while her children were in the house. To think that they are happily oblivious to what is going on would be naive in the extreme.

The nursery aren't "snooping" or "assuming mental health issues". They were categorically told that the OP had taken an overdose, cut herself and was in hospital. They already had some niggling concerns so have quite rightly referred to SS for further assessment. I can't see how some people can have such as issue with child protection.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 14:31

" yet cases like OPs are flagged up! "

rightly so IMO

DrasticAction · 13/10/2015 14:34

op also write down a clear as possible line of events for youself, to remember shoulod they ever be needed.

Time line : this,

what was said - happened

etc

Poopy22 · 13/10/2015 14:35

Also, there is nothing to say that the situation isn't 'fine'. SS are monitoring them. What's so awful about that, or is the insinuation that you are not a good parent is ss so much as sniff at you ?? In most cases ss will assess then eventually you'll be downgraded and everything is a-ok!

DrasticAction · 13/10/2015 14:36

I know Tali this is the problem.

DrasticAction · 13/10/2015 14:38

I have no issue at all with CP I always think err on side of caution but I am a believer in getting facts straight.

jamtartandcustard · 13/10/2015 14:44

Not read the whole post so may have already been answered, but why do you think the nursery are exaggerating? How do you know exactly what your parents told them? could they not have exaggerated and the nursery just repeat it across?
At the end of the day you od'd and self harmed whilst having children in your care. Your ds is distressed and you seem to struggle with getting him dressed.
The nursery was correct to refer their concerns. A child being distressed or refusing to be dressed, on their own, are not issues worthy of a referral, but alongside the other problems, can be cause for concern. Like, Headlice, for example, are not a safe guarding issue on their own, but compounded with many other things can be a sign of neglect.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/10/2015 16:40

Tali you're making this about the parent when it is in fact about the dc.

You might think someone should have the right to cut herself while young dc who could be very easily traumatised by such a thing are in the house, just because she has a husband and parents.

Thankfully, SS don't agree.

I did not realise they will flag up if the parent is unwell even if other support is in place. Personally I'm uneasy with that.

Thank God they do.

People should care less about being judged and more about their children not suffering unnecessarily because of their own illnesses.

Hansolosyoyo · 14/10/2015 00:10

While the children may be aware that mummy is sad or that mummy had an accident, I highly doubt mummy or any other self harmer does it with an audience or does a show & tell afterwards. Self harming is a very complex situation but it's not a spectator sport. Yeah go on flame away...

Baconyum · 14/10/2015 06:18

Tali I think you're the one being ignorant about mh. I have ocd and several other DX.

Legally ss must be informed if children are living in the same property as someone with mh issues who is in crisis.

This is to protect the children. It has happened to me. Ss were great and very supportive and helpful.

The nursery have a duty to report this by law especially if they not certain if anyone else has reported.

OP seems to me to be minimising both what happened and the effect on her dc. This is unfortunate but is probably due to her being ill and unable to assess properly at the moment.

I've also had my ex accuse me of neglect/abuse to ss and ss rightly investigate. They were happy to write it off as a malicious report.

The reason we have these laws and procedures is to protect children.

My dd has been affected by my being ill and that makes me feel very sad and regretful. Even though it wasn't my fault.

She never saw or was close to anything like the OP has described and yet it has still affected her deeply.

Children realise what's going on around them. It does affect them and they do need protection and support.

Ss aren't there just to 'snatch children' or judge parents. They are also great at giving support and putting people in touch with others going through the same or that can also give support, eg playschemes and carers groups (there's a lot of children supporting lone parents who are mentally ill unfortunately).