I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

[FlameProofBoots]

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

I wouldn't minimize it either. If it wasn't a suicide attempt you can make that clear to the SW. But don't expect that to make everything okay. Self harming and making 'cry for help' half hearted suicide bids which aren't meant to work can flag up a number of problems including personality disorders and addiction problems.

Gosh thats rather worrying one hopes the real proffs are able to pick through the conjecture?

I'm puzzled about the kind of referrals people are making. In the referral form we use in my LA (and I have completed several) there are no questions asking what the referrer thinks are the reasons behind the concerning behaviour. We are asked to report what our concerns are, what happened and what we are asking social service to do (roughly speaking).

Nowhere are we asked to speculate. Everything we state on the form has to be based on facts.

I suspect a lot of what has gone on is because it's been passed through people; child's grandparents tells nursery what has happened in their own words, key worker reports to line manager. Social worker paraphrases, OP paraphrases again on MN. I'm not accusing anyone particularly but meanings get changed, no matter how much the reporter things they're saying exactly the same thing.

Most schools have good safeguarding processes but sadly, we have a long way to go. I include social services in my "a long way to go" comment too. I do think schools need more training on how to report safeguarding and how to write referrals. It's a hugely complex process and a minefield. It's hard for the child protection social workers to get their heads around it at times.

OP I am sorry that you suffer and that you have to face this difficult situation. However, I am glad that SS are there for you children; and that is why they are there, for them. It isn't about you alonre, it is about making sure that the children have the support they need and that you have that to ensure that they have a safe and secure home with you. In your first post you say you hurt yourself and I assumed that you had fallen or something. A slight overdose and a cut wrist is a big thing. For whatever MH reason, you don't seem to see that (that is not a criticism btw). Is it possible that your health is colouring your perception of event and others motives? Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed when you go to the nursery, because you are not well and so have nothing to be ashamed of. But also don't be against people who are looking out for your children. I wish you get better soon and that life becomes better for you.

Leaving - you broke down crying in front of your kids and began hitting yourself in the head you were so distressed? You say that like it would be no big deal for your children. I would assume that to be very distressing for them. I would possibly report something like that because I'd think you overwhelmed, possibly unwell and in need of support. What would a SW say? Hopefully "Hi, how are things going for you leaving? Are you having a hard time? Can I help?". Hopefully.

I think it's unreasonable to assume the nursery exaggerated. That may have been what your parents reported and that may genuinely be how your parents see the situation (they likely have a lens of fear they are looking through).

OP calmly correct misinformation, send your child to daycare dressed and prepared (get up earlier if you know dressing is a battle), be as cooperative as possible and take the initiative to get some support - in my experience that should resolve the situation.

At the end of the day the Nursery have made a referral to SW which has been followed up. I very much doubt the nursery made that referral on a whim. The OP feels very vulnerable and afraid which is understandable, SW being involved in anyone's life is unsettling and scary. I've been that CP worker and I would have been concerned about a child in the situation the OP describes. Often when you scratch the surface as a CP worker lots of other issues come to light. I often used to see situations that the OP has described being minimised as the parent was terrified their children would end up in care. I thought about giving more in depth advice, however, not one of the posters on here know the OP personally or what actually happened. MH issues in parents can seriously impact on a child. Some of the responses on here are worrying if people think it's acceptable for a parent to take numerous pills and self harm with children in the house.

There is a nursery attached to my school and if a child was constantly being dropped off in pj's and distressed I'd be worried. If a grandparent advised my staff a mother had taken tablets and self harmed then yes, that parent needs support and a referral should be made. As for the comments of "not showing weakness", for goodness sake, what's more important? Hiding issues or a child having appropriate support? It's ludicrous to think hiding issues where a parent self harms or takes numerous tablets is doing a child any favours.

Op I think that the nursery probably had to after what your parents said. I think I would have preferred "Flameproof isn't well today"! But the nursery didn't have a choice after what your parents said and then they picked up all the minor little issues to go with it. Don't panic, I'd still send him. Best wishes to you.

As for the comments of "not showing weakness", for goodness sake, what's more important? Hiding issues or a child having appropriate support? It's ludicrous to think hiding issues where a parent self harms or takes numerous tablets is doing a child any favours.

Absolutely.

I agree with you Hug We can be wrong together

I also agree with Hug.

It's a tough world, there is a stigma with MH illness unfortunately and people do treat MH issues differently and worry about later being accused of having done nothing. Most people would do exactly what the nursery has done for fear of later being asked why they didn't take action. They would rather say 2+2=500 than take the risk of underestimating the danger.

OP, do what a pp suggested about not putting dc in pjs if it will be an issue to take them off in the morning. There's nothing magical about pjs, dc can sleep in daytime clothes as long as they're comfortable enough to sleep in. Also be on time dropping dc off to nursery. Just try to avoid anything that makes it look as if you're not coping.

dc can sleep in daytime clothes as long as they're comfortable enough to sleep in.

Please tell me your not actually suggesting the OP allows her child to sleep in clothes to be dressed for nursery in the morning?

think it is very naïve to think that self harm resulting in a hospital admission will go totally unnoticed by three children living in the house.Pulling your dc out of nursery now would raise a big red flag, so ignore that advice!

I do think schools need more training on how to report safeguarding and how to write referrals.

Do you have any idea how much training is required in order to be a designated safeguarding lead in a school? And there is no "how" in writing a referral. You state the facts and share the information. It's up to social care to carry the baton from there.

I am amazed at some of the "advice" on here. Not going to the nursery - the one that OP says her child is happy at! Putting child to bed in day clothes to be ready and dressed in the morning!

OP please do not listen to this advice. I am sure the posters think they are helping you, but this is not good advice! No sorry, this is bad advice and it will not help your DC nor you. In fact, this advice is detrimental to your child.

I think FixItUp's advice ^^ is spot on.

There is no evidence that anyone is expecting OP to fail! No one is out to get OP or trip her up, instead there has been some intervention to make sure the children are OK. OP needs to work with SS and the nursery because that is the best thing to do for the children and OP.

The OP admits overdosing and cutting her wrists (although dispustes the extent) so I can't see what other course of action the nursery could take in accordance with their duty of care.

OP - I'm autistic & we asked SS for support to take the pressure off my DC having to cope with some of my quirks (mostly agoraphobia when on my own & inability to cook) Hours of gruelling assessments ensued & we were told there was nothing they could offer to support us. There is no shame in accepting and making the most of the support and services they offer. It can be hard when you're already feeling vulnerable not to see social work involvement as judgemental or an attack on your parenting but they're really there to help you. Make the most of it as lots of people who also need that kind of support are denied it or can't afford what is on offer (long story for another time) - I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment but you don't need to be coping alone.

sorry for the distress you are suffering op. I hope you will be able to keep your dc in nursery as it will reflect negatively on you if you take him out. Can you try to get the supervisor at the nursery on your side but do not give her more ammunition to use against you. Tell her you are getting help and support from family and friends etc and make it clear that your cc did not witness what you did to relieve your distress. All of us have found ways to relieve distress e.g. drinking, smoking, gambling, sex, eating too much , exercise , talking, singing, dancing , gaming, drugs, pulling hair out, cutting, biting nails, sleeping, tv, chocolate, chips,knitting, reading,running, meditation, religion,shopping, fighting, etc just some ways are more accepted than others !

I agree that it matters not that the parents or the nursery have exaggerated. OP, just take all the intervention (help) that comes your way

It very much matters. One of those options undermines the safeguarding system we has and makes it less likely that the op will get any support she needs.

For want of a better way of putting it,it's a bit like phoning the fire brigade and telling them your house is on fire when in reality you've just left your oven on.

Do not stop taking your child to nursery and try and remember that it is more likely than not that they have made a honest referral.

Nobody wants to cause you any strife and the likely result is children's services will be incredibly supportive,they will also look at the accurate medical information and correct mental health assessments and base any support they offer you on those.

Just be open and honest with them as you can engage effectively and follow their advice.

Be mindful that whilst it is hard you need to take steps with dealing with things where they may have a point. There are far better ways to deal with a clothes refuser than allowing them to attend school in pj's.

Find clothes they will wear, if it's a sensory issue that covers all clothing then use base layers such as thermals you can get some quite funky kids ones these days, if you can put them on him before he wakes up if not then new pair before bed and clean clothes on top.

If it's not a sensory issue that base layer will solve then find out what the irritation is adults find some fabrics irritating it would be quite a stretch to think children didn't.

Also remember your child is unlikely to know a thing about fashion and if needs be there is nothing wrong with using outdoor style onsies (often popular with clothes refusers for several reasons, comfy, easy to get on less traumatic when child is less than cooperative).

Letting him chose his clothes could help as could making sure the room you dress him in is warm

Oh and all of those ideas are ones used in several very well respected outstanding registered special schools that deal with kids with BESD related needs and often these techniques are written in statements and ECHP's so it is unlikely that they would cause you issues like sleeping with outdoor clothes could. Even if in essence the thermals if you can't get the, on in his sleep is not much different the connotations are very different and they are unlikely to end up being misunderstood like sleeping in outdoor clothes and going to nursery in PJ's would be

OP my friend is in the same bracket as you and she is pleased she's getting help. She views them as a service to take advantage of...she knows she needs support and takes it all.