I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

[FlameProofBoots]

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

Sorry on reflection I've posted based on my own feelings on this based on childhood.

See...I'm still angry that nothing was done and no one bothered. Sorry. But it does affect kids

I can't see how nursery could not have reported this under safeguarding. It's the whole point of it, all agencies sharing information where children might be at risk, so no one person can assume that someone else has dealt with it. I do really sympathise, there is a sting trend of MH issues in my family. But if the nursery had not reported the fact that they had been told of an apparent suicide attempt by the child's mother by the grandparents (so it is hardly here say) they would have been criminally negligent. And then they have to answer the questions asked correctly.

The thing I am uncomfortable about is that everyone has assumed this is fairly typical of OP - that she regularly self harms, tries to kill herself and that her household is chaotic (conceded re pyjamas) - but has anyone actually asked?

Sensory issues re. clothes: sensory smart store sell seamless pants and socks. They've cut the "getting dressed" phase from 1.5 hours of awfulness to 5 minutes for DD3 (6.6). You can also get seamless t shirts.

Re. The SS referral, 'child in need' is not child at risk. DD1 is a child in need because she has SN. It's just a term that indicates that SS have a duty to assess and meet any needs that can't be met by universal services. You may find that a universal service (sure start, nursery, home start) is assessed as able to meet DC's need, then SS would sign that off as appropriate.

In terms of the self harm. I'd ask you (you don't have to answer) what your intention was? To cut one wrist, I can see as impulsive. To overdose 'slightly', again, impulsive. But to cut both wrists and overdose is not impulsive.

To then admit to overdosing, it can't have been a small overdose. You must have had either concern that it may harm you, or symptoms that you couldn't hide as a result.

To be kept in hospital even overnight, when there is such pressure on beds, indicates concern, medically. When my father overdosed on his antidepressants, he was given a charcoal drink, monitored for an hour and discharged. No support or follow up.

I think if you try and look dispassionately at the situation, you'll see that even if none of those elements on their own seem major, together they raise enough concern that the nursery would be negligent not to make a referral to the expert agency (SS) responsible for ensuring the safety of your DCs.

I hope you get the support you need to get past this period of MH issues and can look back on this with relief that you didn't continue to SH.

Just my experience:

I have long term MH issues and have been genuinely suicidal in the past and have spent some time in hospital. I have 2 DS under 6 and a DH who is my registered carer. I am also under the care of the CMHRS who support not just me but my family as well. My DH is a SAHD so we can ensure the children always have a parent who is able to emotionally be there for them.

We have always been very open with nursery and schools about my MH, so that my DS's get any additional support they need.

We have always had wonderful support from nursery and now school (for oldest DS) and that has even stretched to my DH. School is going to refer DS1 as a young carer (at our request) so we are able to access more support for him in the future if needed.

We have never been reported to SS even when I was in hospital. I think our openness and full engagement with everyone has been key to that.

Thank you everybody.

Just to clarify a few points. It was a small overdoes of two weeks of antidepressants and antipsychotics, and I made about fifteen shallow cuts on my arm. It wasn't a suicide attempt, I was in a crisis and needed to hurt myself. The hospital made a referral to ss themselves and this resulted in them calling me, my husband and my parents in order to check everything was OK. I have a cpn and I'm seeing the psychiatrist next week. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I am currently in a severe depression but we are working with all the agencies involved and they say I have good insight into my condition so no minimising.

My only 'gripe' is with the overblown and emotive referral and how I'm supposed to face the nursery manager today but I feel better about that this morning. Ds2 is dressed (hurrah) and will hopefully go into nursery with no tears today.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to post and I'm taking on board all the comments.

I hope today is a better day OP.
And I hope that the nursery manager will view you with respect for facing the day, and that he/she will simply ensure your DS is allowed to get on with having fun.
Best wishes to you.

OP I glad forgetting support for your MY problems. Your blaming the nursery but you have no idea how or what your parents told nursery. If they used suicidal language the manager had no choice. Maybe you frightened your parents and they used words like overdose and cut wrists. Hope today is a positive day.

Two weeks worth isn't small, IMO, but I'm glad you've got the support you need.

Hope it's gone well this morning

You are obviously in crisis and are in need of help. It is normal and natural for you to look at deflecting some of the issues. I hope that now you will get the help you need. The pjs issue could be sensory and I don't think it's a huge deal. The other things are part of your mental health not being managed and treated properly. Mental health is so hard, and it sadly still has a huge stigma attached to it. It's not fair but keep this in mind.

I posted earlier (I've spent several months in a mental health unit). I also have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as Asperger's. I have found it nigh on impossible to get any support or treatment since being discharged from hospital, I've basically been dumped, so if I were you I'd grab whatever I was offered.

I'm terrified about the effect my illnesses have on my DC. DS (oldest, nearly 5), has obviously been badly affected by it, he is terrified of hospitals and of me leaving him. I wish he had some kind of support, I'm very worried how this will effect him over the long term. I also feel an incredible amount of guilt about putting my DCs in that position, about being such an awful mummy to them.

I hope you can access the right support for you all.

Hope your DS has gone into nursery okay today flameproof and good luck with everything that you have going on [flowwers]

sorry eyes are being dodgy this morning

I hope you went in with your head held high OP. The nursery manager has fallen into the classic Chinese whispers trap of being told something and hearing an entirely different story.

No, the nursery manager heard that the OP had taken an overdose, cut herself and had had to stay in hospital overnight. The referral was entirely appropriate and people minimising what is going on here are not helping at all. The OP needs help and support, but it's counterproductive to help her play down what is going on.

I agree that the referral was appropriate, but a parent self harming in another room is quite a different situation to a parent slashing her wrists in front of the children, which is much more serious as it might suggest she was causing them deliberate psychological trauma. I get that the self harm/wrist slashing difference might not be obvious to someone with no experience of these things, but the 'in front of the children' was an obvious fabrication. I can't see how reporting that the OP refused to talk to them could have been a misunderstanding, either, more a deliberate lie.

Surely these things aren't quite right? I am quite concerned that a nursery can outright lie on a SS referral.

As I've said earlier in the thread, we don't know if the nursery are lying or not. We don't know what they were told by the OP's parents, we don't know what the child may have said to nursery staff, we don't know whether the OP is playing down what might have been a more serious incident. Becoming overly focussed on what the nursery referral stated isn't helping anyone. The SW will be able to confirm the details of the incident with hospital staff.

I don't think it is a 'trap' of Chinese whispers. The nursery manager has been told something, accurate or not, and reported it on. SW do have experience of these situations and will know that sometimes they are hearing something which isn't entirely accurate.

The point is, when OPs parents spoke to the nursery they may well have related it in an 'overblown and emotive' way because they would have been understandably upset. It wouldn't have been the nursery managers job to investigate it, ascertain it's accuracy or sanitise it for the OPs sake. It was her job to pass on what she'd been told. It's then the SWs job to find where the truth is. I would also say that the nursery manager very much had a duty not to minimise what she'd been told and pass it on 'as received'. I don't think that implies any judgement of the OP, just that she is doing her job.

OP, I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better this morning. I think the best thing for you is instead of dwelling on the whys and wherefores of what happened when you were in crisis, you should concentrate on how you can positively move forwards from this and make things better and more settled for you and your family. Getting up feeling brighter and taking the children in to nursery is a great start. Do take care of yourself, and don't give yourself a hard time. It's how you move forward that matters.

Eek, I think my comment has been misinterpreted :o When I said not to show weakness, I didn't mean "hide everything"! I meant it as a - show them you're strong and willing to fight for it! If they think you've given up on your kids (which I see you haven't at all) then it will be worse, they need to know you're not weak, and that you're willing to do all that it takes to put things right and get better. Sorry if my comment was not well put :S I'm not always very good at explaining what I mean, if using too few words! Glad to hear little one was dressed today at least, let us know how it goes!

Uhm, that smiley was supposed to be !!

I think the nursery did the right thing tbh. That is a lot for your children to cope with - are you sure one of them didn't see you do it? It could be your children that have spoken to the staff at the nursery as well as your parents.

I would definitely accept all the help you can get and not brush them off. You only need to see the comments on here from posters who have had parents with MH issues to see the effects. Use the support you have been offered to move yourself and your family forward.

people always exaggerate stuff for SS reports.
Nonetheless, there is no shame in CIN, and it does sound as though you could do with some support.

To those who disapprove of the idea of sending the child to nursery in comfortable, loose clothing, worn to bed the night before ... I'm curious how this is in any way worse than sending him in his pyjamas. At least it would make the OP look in control a bit more.
OP, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Life can be spectacularly shit sometimes. I hope you are okay and that you get the help and support you need and deserve. Hope also that it went okay going into nursery this morning.
Please keep us updated on how you're doing, and all the best.