I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

[FlameProofBoots]

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

[chitofftheshovel]

How very worrying for you, on top of everything else.
I do think care providers are basically covering their own backs in cases like yours.
The very fact that you are posting, holding your hands up and saying "yes, I did this" (harm yourself). means that you care deeply for your children.
You sound like a good Mum, to me (for example why battle with a wee un to get dressed, allow them the autonomy of choosing to stay in PJ's).
How you care for/treat yourself is not an indicator of how you are as a parent.
Try (difficult I understand) to remain as calm and true to you, as you can through this process. Jump through the fucking hoops etc. And take good care of yourself.... They need you!!

[NerrSnerr]

The nursery workers are not trained to know what is a suicide attempt vs self harm. They do have a duty to report it though as it's not their call to make whether your children are at risk, they need to refer it to the professionals. I'm sorry you're going through this but they had no choice- they'd be in trouble if some more seripus happened in the future and they didn't report their concerns.

[CookieMonsterIsOnADiet]

Safeguarding laws are stronger then ever, they had to report as it was serious. What if they didn't and something else happened, the comeback on them for failure to report would be astounding.

Taking an overdose and cutting yourself whilst they were there put them at harm. You can't be cross with the nursery for looking out for the children.

I'd expect the hospital also had a duty to report as will your GP etc.

[Leavingsosoon]

It sounds like they've added their own interpretation to what happened though, doesn't it?

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Well, the nursery shouldn't be exaggerating- can't you meet with them and explain the actual situation?

[RoseWithoutAThorn]

You're very brave to send DC in. I wouldn't!

You'd no doubt have the SW at your door to see the children if you didn't send them in. Many times I called nurseries/schools to check of the children were in. If they weren't I'd have been at the door like shit off a shovel to check on the welfare of the child. That's what CP workers do or SHOULD do if a child is deemed in need or at risk.

[Leavingsosoon]

Then they could come to the door and see the children. Doesn't mean I'd have to send them in, does it? :)

[spanky2]

If you have come across self harm before you can recognise it. People who haven't really freak out and are frightened by it. I wonder if some cbt for tolerating difficult feelings will help you stop. Ive self harmed before and I find it really helpful. Also do you have depression? After what happened with well know cases of children being missed by ss, there is now an agenda to not let anyone slip through the net. Sadly they don't recognise you are obviously more likely to hurt yourself than your dc. I'm wondering what you are doing to help get better. You need to start treating yourself like your friend. You deserve better than to be in such turmoil the only way out is self harm. Been there it's not fun. Big hugs.

[gamerchick]

Are you minimising OP? IME of many many suicide attempts the hospital doesn't keep you in for a few scratches and a small overdose.

Even if they have exaggerated it's obvious your child isn't living in a healthy minded household and maybe you do need some support and SS aren't all about taking the kids away you know. This might be a blessing in disguise for you into getting back on an even keel.

Take him in tomorrow in clothes if you can and baby steps after that. You're ill and deserve support and help for that.

[CuppaSarah]

It does sound like the nursery worker has put 2+2 together and made 5 which is dangerous and wrong. But they were not wrong to speak to social services, it's procedure and its there for good reason. Your children are fortunate enough that your mh issues aren't impairing your ability to be a great mother, but that isnt always the case with others.

It must hurt so much though, especially when you have been through so much. The only advice I can give is to maybe arrange a meeting with the room leader or manager and talk through the fact you are currently working with ss and that you want keep everyone informed and involved. That way nursery won't go leaping to conclusions and you will be seen to be open and communicative. It should also prevent anymore nasty surprises.

[HugAndRoll]

for you FlameProof

I've had suicide attempts, and self-harm regularly. I am known to mental health teams, I have had social work referrals, I AM NOT A DANGER TO MY CHILDREN!

It's actually been stated that my children are protective factors, that they are very well cared for, and that the best place for them is with me. I'm also a single mother, so don't have a partner with me.

I think there have been some very judgemental posts on here. If someone had cancer, and had spent the night vomiting after chemotherapy and passed out from it; or someone with diabetes didn't eat when they should, and went into hypoglycaemic shock, do you think they should have social services involved? Why is it, a symptom of mental health is always seen as worse?

Before anyone says that someone chooses to attempt suicide, or chooses to self-harm; get some education, and actually research mental health issues before you post.

[ghostyslovesheep]

I understand you are angry - I've been there but try and understand that the nursery has a duty to report concerns

You did harm yourself

the children where there

your child has gone in in PJ's

You are/have been ill

maybe you actually DO need support? SS helped me hugely and made my family function again - try to see parts your anger - they think you need a little help - from your OP I'd say you might too x

[CuppaSarah]

I forgot to say, you needn't talk about your own mh issues with the nursery, just the plans you have with ss. I've been lart of these kinds of meetings and they can be very positive and go a long way to restoring the trust at the very least.

[Leavingsosoon]

Excellent point well made Hug

[saucony]

I used to work as a child protection social worker. I can't say I'm surprised at an over-zealous, exaggerated school referral, sadly. In a desperate attempt to avoid being blamed, some professionals seem to find things that aren't there. That said, now they are involved, I hope you can see that the SW's involvement is not criticism of you but can open doors to support for your illness.

[ElizabethG81]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and you're not being unreasonable about feeling nervous about taking your DS back to nursery. But, you are being unreasonable if you think the nursery shouldn't have made the referral. They had to make the referral, they would have been seriously failing your son if they didn't.

You say your children weren't "present", but they were in the house and in your care, and that would be classed as them being present when it happened. Similar to DV incidents, if a child is in the property and witnesses what is going on and the drama that results, then they are witnessing the incident.

I know you will find this difficult to hear, and you do seem to be minimising the incident after the fact. Also, you say that it's happened before. The fact that your parents have disclosed it to the nursery staff shows me that they are really concerned about the situation - they may have wanted to pass this on to staff so they didn't have to be the ones making the referral. They may have even exaggerated, or given the nursery the impression that it was worse than you say it was. I regularly make SS referrals as part of my job, and I keep it very much to the point, and relay what I have actually been told about a situation.

It sounds like you and your family could really do with help from SS, rather than pushing them away. Please try to engage with them to get the help you need, rather than seeing the assessment as some boxes that you need to tick to get them off your back.

This may have come across as being harsh, but I genuinely do wish you well and hope you can get help to get through this

[gamerchick]

I think there have been some very judgemental posts on here. If someone had cancer, and had spent the night vomiting after chemotherapy and passed out from it; or someone with diabetes didn't eat when they should, and went into hypoglycaemic shock, do you think they should have social services involved? Why is it, a symptom of mental health is always seen as worse?

If someone wasn't coping with their illness and had children to look after then yes I would.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Excellent poster. Game. I think people hear the word social services and start to panic and think the worse, They're going to take me children away from me, and its not necessarily the case.
Hopefully it is a blessing in disguise, and op will get all the help and support she needs.

[CloakAndJagger]

I'd feel awkward about going there tomorrow, but hold your head high.

The issue here isn't so much being reported, it's that the details reported were exaggerated. Even though nursery has a duty of care WRT safeguarding, what they report should be factual, not emotive.

You didn't harm yourself in front of the children. You didn't slash your wrists. I'd certainly ask your family to be more circumspect about what they talk to nursery about though.

[DaimYou]

Actually Hugandroll, yes sw are very likely to be involved in the situations you describe.

[Leavingsosoon]

If what the OP did was oh so terrible it warranted instant SS action, there was no need to exaggerate in the first place, was there?

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Because hugs, some people with MH problems do harm their children. People having chemo generally do not.

[ghostyslovesheep]

exactly Gamer - don't assume people DON'T have experience of mental health issues (me AND and PTSD - my sister Bi polar, Grandmother severe OCD!)

SS can and do help

[Leavingsosoon]

Well, they should come and see me then because I am massively MASSIVELY struggling with the most basic of parenting tasks as I can't use one arm properly (seriously damaged my wrist, am actually wondering if it might be broken) and so changing nappies and so on is nigh on impossible. Somehow I suspect their 'support' will not be forthcoming.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Spanky. Then your post clearly indicates that SS need urgent training and educating on MH matters. They cant really afford no not understand. People could be in danger of losing their children.