I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

[FlameProofBoots]

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Tali the nursery don't know how the hold is safeguarded at home. It's not their job to know. Just having a dad and grandparents in the picture is not enough to say the child is protected. They are obliged to hand it over to the agency who has a remit to investigate the child's home situation as they have done.
If the child is safe and a plan is not required there will not be one.

[amarmai]

op what was the motivation of your parents that they chose to say what they did to the nursery staff? Are they on your side? Do they want your cc to be with you /with them/or in care/or---? Hope you get counselling re how to deal with your difficulties and that you have support in RL.

[Isitchristmasyet4]

Sorry Flame but when i was in primary school my mum attempted overdose and cut her wrists (just cut, not enough for anything fatal-she called it a cry for help) I walked in on it happening. She also neglected us as a result of her MH. If i had a £ for every time i have said 'where was the social workers when i was a child' i would be very rich. Its there job, it would be an issue if they didn't chase up on things like this, my siblings and I didn't have any SW looking out for us and we're all pretty fucked up by it still.

[Isitchristmasyet4]

Tali- how the hell can someone look after a small child if they are mentally ill to the point of self harming. Are you for real?

[TaliZorah]

isitchristmasyet4 most self garners don't do it with an audience, and speaking from personal experience, o used to self harm as a release and once I'd done it, I'd calm down and feel better. It's similar for a lot of people. So I'd certainly have been able to appear normal and look after kids.

Just because someone has severe mental health issues doesn't make them a crap mum

[hazeyjane]

no most self harm isn't done with an 'audience', and it is not a 'spectator sport', but it can still impact hugely on the lives of those who live with and love the person. Trying to pretend it doesn't just trivialises it for those who live or lived with people who self harm.

And saying that is not the same as saying that people with mental health issues make crap parents, it really isn't.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Parents can pose a risk to their children without being 'crap parents'
Even the most loving and well meaning of parents can pose a risk if they are in a mental health crisis. Doesn't make them a crap parent but equally their love and care most of the time doesn't remove the risk.

[Borninthe60s]

You are a parent in need of support and so are your children. Accept the intervention it may help you all. Good luck.

[amarmai]

great post ,miaow. Op hope you are still reading .

[Isitchristmasyet4]

Tali tell me this, where in my post did I say having MH issues automatically makes you a crap mum? Nowhere. Having MH issues to the point of an overdose and self harm is definitely going to prevent you from being able to look after your children properly. What if the OP overdosed and died? The young kids would be left to fend for themselves until someone showed up, is that safe? Wake up and smell the coffee. I'd be worried about youkids, if you have any.

[TaliZorah]

Isitchristmas not necessarily, plenty of people who self harm can appear perfectly "normal" to others. Some may not be able to look after children, others can. Self harming alone doesn't tell anyone enough.

If OP died then I'm assuming her supportive family would step in. No need for social workers.

Myself and my son are fine, thanks for the concern though.

[Isitchristmasyet4]

You're delusional Tali I don't even see the point in trying to talk any sense to you...

[TaliZorah]

Or you're using your own personal experiences to assume everyone with self harm issues is the same

[Baconyum]

Isit I agree I think tali is prejudiced against ss and no matter what anyone says will never accept that children need support in such a situation despite massive evidence showing that children raised in a home with someone with mental illness are more likely to develop mental illness themselves, more likely to commit suicide, more likely to develop addiction problems, more likely to end up in abusive relationships etc.

Children don't have go witness an action to sense that there's something not right, especially when its a parent, plus they're not deaf or blind either and will see scars, hear adults discussing etc.

It is impossible to know how truthful the op is being or what exactly her parents said to the nursery. They were no doubt worried sick about their daughter and their grandchild and possibly exaggerated but then I'm concerned that OP is minimising too as she stated a 'minor' overdose but then later said this was 2 weeks worth of 2 medications, not minor in my book.

As for this comment:

"If OP died then I'm assuming her supportive family would step in. No need for social workers." Wtaf!!

Not only ss but intensive counselling would be needed. Children of suicide victims are twice as likely to commit suicide themselves!

[amarmai]

there are lots of different ways to self harm e.g. smoking, drinking, drugs, candy, chips,hair pulling out , skin picking, under or over eating, careless driving, over or under exercising, etc Some are more acceptable than others.

[TaliZorah]

despite massive evidence showing that children raised in a home with someone with mental illness are more likely to develop mental illness themselves

That can't possibly be down to genetics can it.

And I didn't say they needed no support, I think people with mental health problems do need support. I'm extremely greatful that I have support. But that support does not need to be nosy busibodies social services.

[TaliZorah]

Armarmai I also find that strange. It's okay to smoke in front of your kids, but if you cut yourself in private that's suddenly everyone else's business.

[maddy68]

Honestly. While I can understand your concerns they have to inform ss. They would be neglectful if they didn't.
Ss are not the enemy. They are there to support you. Too many horror stories from the past are dragged up about them. Their purpose is to keep family's together and support them in order for this to happen. If you have mental Heath issues they will ensure that you get the support you need in order to be a great parent

[Baconyum]

Large studies have determined that while genetics may play a part it is also learned behaviour/the influence if experience.

Social service support as discussed her is for the children/family NOT just the persona that's ill! Also ss support is for the support that the NHS cannot provide eg social contact, liaison with schools, parenting support etc

Personally I don't think people should smoke around kids but that's another issue.

Tali your last post belies that you have a skewed view of ss. I'm sorry if you've had a bad experience and we all know they're not perfect in every case, but mostly they do a bloody hard job where they're damned if they do and damned if they don't!

If the nursery were informed of this situation and did nothing and the child then did witness self harm/suicide/their mother experiencing a psychotic episode there'd be an outcry of 'why weren't this family getting more support'
'Why wasn't the previous incident reported' and if ss were informed and 'kept their noses out' there'd be 'why didn't this family have support/ss are useless' etc

[saucony]

"Tali- how the hell can someone look after a small child if they are mentally ill to the point of self harming. Are you for real?"

Genuine question but do you know much about self harm?

People who self harm do not usually have their children taken from their care. Of course the whole family needs support but suggesting that a self harmer cannot care for their child is downright ignorant. Some parents who SH cannot provide a safe home for a child. It, alone, does not preclude them from parenting, although they do need assessment and some sort of intervention.

[Shutthatdoor]

If OP died then I'm assuming her supportive family would step in. No need for social workers

Are you for real

[TaliZorah]

saucony that is my point.

baconym again the family can get support through other means. I haven't had a bad experience with social services but I have had the "she's a depressive, better patronise her and treat her like she's an idiot" treatment from services before and it's irritating. I don't like the assumption that children of parents with mental health issues are less well cared for than children from other parents.

I do sympathise with some services but i think they're targeting the wrong people.

[Baconyum]

What other means are as comprehensive, experienced and integrated into the local community?

Sw are usually well aware of what's available and can even get a family bumped up a long waiting list for services which are very helpful.

The nature of mental illness especially more serious DX are that sometimes the mentally ill person and even the family aren't able to see the children are needing more support.

"Some parents who SH cannot provide a safe home for a child" exactly and also may not realise this.

[DeathstarDame]

OP, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment and hope that with the right support you can get through this rough patch.

The stigma around MH even now is terrible and I find there will always be a minority who're uneducated and jump the gun, making assumptions.

However, I grew up with a schizophrenic and bipolar parent, none of my schools were made aware of it and it affected my wellbeing and education badly. I think it's so important to make schools aware of what is going on at home. As a result of what I saw and dealt with as a child I developed my own MH issues at a young age and still suffer now. I think with outside support I could've dealt with my experiences better. MH is not only difficult for the sufferer but those who're close to them too.