I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

[FlameProofBoots]

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

OP how did it go today?

I think it's great that you have insight into your illness and that you are accessing help, but please remember that other people, particularly your family, don't necessarily understand this.

You are downplaying what you did, but had the children seen you, it definitely would have traumatised them. I can tell you this from bitter experience within my family. Slight cuts on your arms still leave you covered in blood and taking those pills would have left you drugged and not yourself. THat is terrifying for people who do not understand, and can cause lasting damage to children. That is why ss are looking so closely at you. I don't think it's a bad thing.
Nursery / schools are a safety net for children who have issues at home. It's their job to make sure your children are looked after, and ss are doing what they can to help.

Work with them op

Also, if the nursery hadn't made that report, they would be failing in their 'duty of care' to the child.
Whatever you do , do not leave that nursery, not yet anyway, keep going there and keep working with them and with SS. If you don't, things will get much much worse, and it wont be CIN, it will be CP.

In the nicest possible way they are doing their job properly. Try and put yourself in their position. They don't really know you which is exactly why they have done the referral. They are taught that it's not their role to make the decision what is relevant and what is not. It is social services job to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and make a decision on what support you and your family need.

If the nursery did nothing with the information they would be negligent and putting your children at further risk.

You may feel like you have the situation under control but there is stacks of research to show that your children may be at risk if you all don't get the support you need.

Good luck op and hope you can get things sorted.

I didn't say the nursery manager was wrong in reporting it herself - of course you would report it.

What I meant was (and this is how it reads to me) that the parents had told her something and she had changed the language - consciously or not - when she repeated it making it sound entirely different.

However, as has been pointed out, we don't know exactly what OP's parents actually said and can only go by what the OP tells us. As it is with every single other thread on Mumsnet.

It might not be the nursery.

When one of my DC had a household injury.

I was told off by a hospital nurse because she was told I wasn't there by another staff member- I wasn't my DH their father was. She seemed to interpret me not being present being the same as no adult being there.

My parents did some emergency childcare and a few later lifts to hospital. They weren't in the house at the time and for reasons of their own decided DH and DC account of incident wasn't correct - the desiced DC was too young to move the door despite having seen him do it - and DH must have causing injury. No reason to do that at all.

They have said this subsequently to DC who now believes that despite being way too young to remember events and it not being physically possible way they laid out.

One GP also told this version when I was busy with DC to hospital staff - also given a very confused account of what cause the incident as they got confused talking and remember layout of our house and described events they didn't see and the DC hadn't talked to them about.

So in the actually note despite my account being very clear and consistent - the medical notes about cause are a mess. This didn't help when another incident at school happened - and a precautionary x-ray was needed and I had to explain it all and things didn't match up.

OP you are probably looking at result of Chinese whispers here - what your parents may have said, how nursery understood it and how the SS then interpreted what they were told - possibly via a few other people in SS dept.

I do understand your concern - and I think your DH explaining to nursery will help as would getting misunderstanding corrected as much as possible. I do think it's probably best to try and continue the DC routines as much as possible at least for the moment.

people always exaggerate stuff for SS reports. No, they don't.

well IME they do.
But tbh SS intervention is not necessarily a bad thing.

Op, I think you need to move on from focusing on the language in the nursery referral, and think about how you can best hse the support available to help yourself get better for your children.

You do not disagree with the facts behind the referral, and others here have said that they are concerning. You say that you aren't minimising, but your language does appear to be minimising both your actions, and your child's behaviour (distress and refusal to get dressed). For your child's interests it would be best to have continuity with the nursery.

I wish you the best.

I think that if there is anyone to be cross with, it is your parents rather than the nursery. Is there any chance that they were over-dramatic in updating the nursery? my parents love a good drama

What reason was there to share your medical history with the nursery unless your child was a witness, aware or in some way upset by it?

The nursery has a legal duty of care to respond and to protect your children. Even from you unfortunately though I appreciate that it must make you feel very low to realise this. I also very much doubt that the forms allow for any degree of small unintentional overdose versus massive intentional overdose? A SW would also ask about other indications that you are not coping and possibly give examples of this like children being untidy [which I suppose pjs technically are].

Otherwise, I wholeheartedly agree with everything that twelfstripe Tue 13-Oct-15 12:21:41 said. Try to move on and I wish you the very best for your recovery.

I wouldn't send my kids back. I have depression that's suspected to be bipolar and anyone who questions my parenting ability or patronised me based on that would get a mouthful.

How dare the nursery refer your children when they have a father and grandparents supporting them. You clearly have a supportive family in place, it's not like your children are not being looked after. They need to stick their nose out.

This is why I'm afraid to tell people I have MH issues. I hope you're feeling better

Wow so many anti-SS attitudes. They're 'sticking their beaks in' and 'have no place' ???

When Baby P and Daniel Pelka cases happen everyone is 'where were social services? They're crap! Hang them all!'

Poopy yes where are they in those cases - harassing other parents who really do not need them!

Really hope today's drop-off went well OP and that you are coping and feeling better in yourself. Of course the nursery are right to report but can totally understand your reaction to highly emotive language and of course lack of accuracy in the details doesn't help anyone. I hope your parents understand how this has made you feel. What is your relationship with the nursery manager like? Could you possibly have a chat with them for a few minutes and say you understand why they reported and accept that they have a duty to do so but that facts as they have stated them are incorrect and that most importantly you are getting appropriate assistance for your condition. You don't have to give them all your life story just explain a little to take back a little control over the situation. Wishing you all the best & hoping you get whatever support you and your family need.

How dare the nursery refer your children when they have a father and grandparents supporting them.

Because they also have a mother who was very recently admitted to hospital after taking two weeks' worth of anti-depressants and cutting her wrists 15 times. How could the nursery not report that?

" How dare the nursery refer your children "

but it is their duty. Honestly people with v young children who haven't got their heads round this have got some nasty shocks in store over the next few years.

But OP has other family members who are caring for her children while she is unwell. I could understand if she had no support but that's not the case. I really think they overstepped there.

Anyway OP I hope it went well

I know it's not a major point, but DS was a clothes refuser - and I handled it by putting him to bed in soft tracksuit bottoms and long sleeved t-shirts that were enough like PJs for him to happily sleep in, and were also clothes I could take him out in if he refused to change in the morning. It was just one less headache! I hope things went well today

" I really think they overstepped there."

Better to overstep than do nothing.
Besides I am in danger of being repetitive but it is their duty, regardless of other family members. Can people not understand that?

Why is it their duty? If the child is well cared for and looked after it shouldn't be any of their business whether it's their mum or their grandparents doing it.

I guess some of us have a hard time with others judging our parenting and trying to override our decisions

It's the SW's job to assess the whole situation, including what support is already in place from other family members, and make the assessment about whether or not the children are at risk. The nursery can't do that - they have to act on the information they are given and then leave it to the SW to make further investigations. Based on what the OP has said happened, they had no choice but to make the referral.

But what is, God forbid, the op had a row with her dh or he was away for the weekend or her parents were away and her dh took Ill or a whole manner of Things that could happen and she had a bad night and went even further than she did the other day. If as know the kids and the family and the situation they can help. Because she has supportive parents and dh that doesn't mean they should just ignore them.

" I guess some of us have a hard time with others judging our parenting "

welcome to the real world.

*ss not as

Tali, the nursery don't know whether the child is well cared for at home or not. They can't go into the home and assess that, but a SW can. The OP's child's nursery have had a massive red flag waved in their faces - what do you really expect them to do?

" Why is it their duty? "

it is called 'Child Protection' and all schools and nurseries have a 'duty of care'. Tali if you have children you need to know this.