So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

[TheoriginalLEM]

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

but ignorance is bliss. this woman has done nothing to me.

there is certainly no jealousy. no animosity on my part. well not until yesterday now i want to castrate the bastard.

I would want to know in her shoes. Honestly and truthfully. I would be furious with DH - beyond furious actually - and it would take a lot to rebuild our relationship. But I would still want to know. I think your DD has the right to have her existence acknowledged. I think his behaviour and his parents' behaviour was absolutely revolting tbh. for your DD.

If I was her I'd want to know and if I were you I'd not want my dd to be a secret. I'd message her (if dd was happy for me to do so).

Just a couple of thoughts. Your DD's father has now had two chances to be there for his DD. The first time he could be forgiven due to his youth etc. This second time is just inexcusable, he is a grown adult. His character looks very poor.

PP have used the words "bitter" and "petty." More like riteous anger! Abandoning your baby is not a petty thing.

If I was the fiancé, I'd want to know. However, I don't think her best interests are your concern. You should be guided by what will be best for your DD. You don't have to rush into a decision. You can wait months, even years and then decide to tell her, but you can't unwell her. So take your time and think carefully.

Sadly this woman will probably believe what she wants to, has probably already been told a version in which he never knew or something whereby he wasn't even the real dad (his logic being no proof, right?).
However, that said I couldn't not tell her. I'd be honest and emotionless - explain you hadn't realised he had lied about her all of this time and if you were in her shoes you would want to know. Her children will be bonded by DNA to your child. That could have potential for medical importance some way down the line, who knows?
Don't go on about him, but do highlight DNA, medical issues - bone marrow/kidneys other donor topics - have crossed your mind for both of your children. Make it as formal as you can and then say that out of respect you will not contact her again as you realise you have intruded uninvited, but are available to talk if she so wishes.

That way you get your point across, don't sound petty, don't let him get away with it, explain to her you are a mum with potential kids interests at heart and walk away knowing you have done what you can for honesty. I would definitely want to know this information.

I feel sorry for the woman he's marrying - his character hasn't improved much in the intervening years! 22 isn't that young. There was no excuse then and there's certainly no excuse now.

Maybe he will decide to tell his fiancée before anyone else does, and she'll talk some sense into him.

I am not sure that your daughter will be able to let this lie. I don't think it's a question of blocking him and forgetting about it. I think that it'll play on her mind.

You should not tell her as revenge on him, as you say she has done nothing to you.

However, she is marrying a man who has made historical and recent decisions about relationships with his child. IMO-as the potential mother of another of his children she should be made aware of the facts.

She can then make one of the biggest decisions in her life based on facts not ignorance. She may still go through with the marriage and want her children to meet their half sister regardless of the father's opinion.

MN can have as many opinions as we like, but this is a conversation you need to have on an adult level with your daughter once the initial hurt has receded a little. Your responsibility is how she wishes to proceed.

If she has any sense she'll ask for a DNA - if he's being honest what has he got to loose?

If she doesn't care then she is as bad as he is. If they have kids this will hit her IMO. Very easy to be blasee prior to knowing the power of a nb, but when one arrives you feel very differently about their future (a half sibling would be a huge worry, how would they get on, keep it a secret or admit dad was a tosspot and they knew even before baby was born? etc) - it doesn't bode well.

The grandparents are already aware of you - could you send them a letter and some photos? It might be enough to persuade them that she is their granddaughter and if nothing else you might get something back that confirms to your DD that you did contact them all all those years ago.

I would make one more effort to make contact (away from FB) and then drop it or you might find you get slapped with a restraining order or similar. I wouldn't contact the fiance, it'll just reinforce to his family that you are unhinged (which I'm sure you aren't!).

All the best, OP

Contact him via solicitor and make him have a DNA test.

Remind him that you expect that his dd should be left the same amount as any other children he may have, plus all the support she's missed over the years, and that you / she will contest his will if she isn't left the same amount, plus support he hasn't paid.

It's up to him if he tells his wife, that's his business.

I have tried to put myself in his shoes - 47 is quite late to be settling down and it would appear a "family" has been an issue from one of the comments to dd. I understand that he might be terrified he is going to lose this woman (who looks waaay out of his league tbh) and that if he can just keep it quiet, it will go away. I do understand that actually. But well, sometimes you can't just brush things aside and why should he be able to do that.

The trouble is, telling his wife, even DNA is going to achieve nothing for DD in terms of a relationship with him.

The dates may have put some question over paternity and at the time, DNA tests weren't readily available otherwise i think my parents would have forced the issue at the time. I don't know why we didn't do this.

I didn't persue things financially at the time for several reasons. This all happened at the time that the CSA was just being formed, so it was all up in the air. Despite living with my parents, they weren't well off and i was worried about being left with no money at all. I also didn't want him flitting in and out of DDs life and was cowed by the fact that his family were wealthy and his parents made it very clear that they wanted nothing to do with us. I have no desire to have them involved in DDs life now.

Its difficult because I haen't been able to see DD since this happened last week as she works unusual hours. Am hoping to see her one day next week so that we can have a big long chat about everything.

There isn't going to be a fairy tale ending, her father is going to continue to be an arsehole and no amount of DNA or cajoling is going to change that. He is a cunt and right now, i hate him but that is a very negative thing for DD.

Although I would personally want to know if I was marrying an asshole, I wouldn't tell her as she might not want to know and could shoot the messenger. My ex fiance's current wife found out (not from me but from a friend I thought I could trust) that my ex had been abusive to me during our relationship. She did not take it well. She went nuclear, sending rabid, badly spelled rants not just to me but to everyone on my Facebook friends list demanding I retract the allegations or she would take legal action. I basically told her to go ahead and she backed down but it was a very upsetting time. What was ironic is that I was embarrassed about the situation so it wasn't public knowledge until her and this friend started talking about it. Some people don't want to let facts get in the way of their fairytale.

Your poor DD - it sounds as if her father and paternal family have tried to erase her existence as a blot on their copybook.

None of this means he will definately be a bad father to his other children. He may or may not be.

My birth mother is a fantastic mother to her "ligitimate' children. They are like The Waltons!(showing my age)

Obviously she is doing this to 'make up for' rejecting me,, in her head, and probably subconsciously..

I am not excusing your daughters father at all, I am just saying his feelings may be very complicated.

I have had brilliant therapy about all this, it has really helped me come to terms with it all, and was worth every penny I spent. I do think your daughter should look into this soon. And you too.

The inheritance thing someone mentioned- well he's not going to do that is he? In law you can leave your money to whomever you want, no one could force him to do that.

He is trying to make your daughter a blot on his copybook. That's probably how his parents encouraged him to think all those years ago. I would love it if my birth mother wanted a relationship with me, but it's not going to happen, she really thinks that by having no relationship with me it will erase the past. The best thing you and your daughter can do is have some therapy and move forward from him.

My story is almost identical ,so I feel your hurt and anger for your dd,
the eighties /early nineties were very different to now,and it was commonplace for single women to bring up their children with no financial help from the father .i only knew of divorced women getting maintenance.
I'm not sure when Dna testing became the norm ?but it certainly wasn't commonplace 25 years ago .
And proving paretage was very hard ,it involved blood tests ( not a nice thing for a baby ) and if I remember right ,the blood test could rule out a man as father ,but couldn't confirm parentage .it also was through the courts that all this was done .
On top of that .any maintenance payments were taken of income support pound for pound .there was little incentive to seek maintenance .
Csa has made seeking maintenance much easier ( and more the norm ) despite its faults .
we all did the best for our children ,and just got on"with bringing them up .
I was too proud (or it somehow was undignified ? )to chase a reluctant father through the courts , I'm sure a lot of lone parents felt the same .
Sadly your dds father was unwilling when she was born ,nothing has changed as far as he's concerned .and his fiancé has no part in this.she may have no interest at all in something that happened 25 years ago .
I dont know in what circumstances you could get Dna testing done ,if he has no interest in having the proof that she is his dd ,

Sounds awful. I'd stuff him to be honest and tell dd he really isn't worth it and some people are just dicks and it doesn't effect who she is one bit

But - I would send his new wife a message saying ' hi xxx I'm letting you know that xxxx has a twenty year old daughter. I'm letting you know in case you have any children and they might want to meet her one day. Doing a DNA test is not a problem. Sincerely TOL

Can you backdate CSA?

I doubt you can, but it really isn't about the money. My parents supported me and we were ok financially. Not rich but not on the breadline really. I did go on benefits but worked as soon as she started nursery school, then went to university and had student grants (back in the day!) and loans rather than relying on the state. By this time had met DP as well.

So in that respect, I, and DD don't want his money so a DNA test seems pointless.

My heart just breaks for her that he has rejected her, again.

Agree with PPs that you should be guided by what is likely to be best for your DD and what she wants you to do (or not do).

Your poor DD. However you sound so caring and protective of her - she's lucky to have had you as her mum and at least one great parent

Some people really are the pits. This man has had 2 chances now to be part of your DDs life and has chosen not to do so.

I know that you're angry right now -quite rightly- but your DD is an adult. What does she want to happen next and take your cue from her

Please don't send any message in anger - it rarely ends well and could rebound on your DD

If your DD is one of his FB friends, then perhaps his fiancée already knows about her...

I totally understand both you and your DD's frustration.

FWIW, I don't think her dad should be able to dodge the consequences of his actions for his whole life. He's got away without having to support his DD, and he still is being a dick.

And if I was the GF, I'd want to know.

Has he actually denied paternity to your dd? Or accepted it but just said he doesn't want to know?

denied paternity. denied he was aware of her existence and refused a dna test.