So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

[TheoriginalLEM]

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

this is part of his rejection to my dd. utter cunt.

total pack of lies. stronzo de merde

Can you compel another adult to do a DNA test through the courts?

If so, I would be tempted. Because although dd says she believes you (and probably does), if he vehemently denied it to her then it's still the type of thing that can play on your mind in time.

I would probably send a fb message to him, copying in the dw - being very polite but saying that you are disappointed that not only has he lied about being aware of her but also that he has denied he is her father as she has the right to know who her biological father is. And I would also say that you will be pursuing a DNA test through the courts, to give DD peace of mind and so that you can further pursue a backdated CSA claim (I have no idea if this is correct or if you could, but would say it anyway to make him shit his pants).

lmao. when i asked dd if i was allowed to get involved she said "mother!im not going on jeremy kyle" and of course i wouldn't lower myself but right now re reading those messages my finger is hovering over the send button. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to hurt this woman.

What a bastard. He needs to make his mind up too with his 'wasn't really aware'. Wasn't really aware? You either were or you weren't, dickhead.

He needs to be called on his lies.

I suspect his fiancé knows but knows the lie.

What does your DD want to do?

He absolutely was aware - he called the police when i turned up at his house with his baby. I met and discussed the matter, nicely, along with my parents, with his mother who seemed a perfectly pleasant woman at the time and told me to "come back when you've had the baby dear" hoping i would go away no doubt.

Maybe i made the wrong decision not persuing further at the time because like others are saying he is making my daughter feel like a dirty secret.

he strung her along telling her he would have a dna test then refused. basically saying he doesn't want her whatever. the more i think about this the more i think i need to do this.

I would consider carefully what you want the outcome to be and act accordingly.

Telling his fiancé could have several implications but it is unlikely to result in your DD having a relationship with her father or his family. From what you have said about them it sounds like they would just put the shutters down and see you and DD as meddling troublemakers.

You can't force a relationship with her father he has to be open to it. Having your DD coming back into his life when he thought he had successfully buried this secret has probably come as a huge shock. I have experience of this in my family and I think shock doesn't even describe it. His reaction was selfish and all he could think about was himself and how to make it all go away as he did all those years ago. Perhaps given time he might mellow a little so maybe threats of backdated CSA and solicitors letters should be put aside for a while. I would suggest to DD that she contacts her dad and his family again by letter and see what comes of it.

I would say you should insist he tells his future DW. Although no doubt she will get his version.

Also tell him that your DD is not expecting a hands on father, but to be lied to and ignored is not on. (though this bit depends on what your DD does actually want). And you could point out that with the internet he cannot hide and should be more honest about the situation.

Do you have proof that you visited his parents and the police were called? Would police have records? (so that he can't insist on his version of things)

He has always known that his DD might pop up out of the blue. He was in denial if he thought, nowadays, that he could keep it all secret.

Maybe once he has had time to get used to the idea he will be more cooperative and fair.

Clearly your DD's father wants nothing to do with her. Which is horrible.

Perhaps his wife-to-be would be grateful to know what a vile man she is about to get hitched to?

That the thing isnt it. posting that on his wall is almost evil genius but the fall out isnt going to be positive for dd.

I wouldn't post anything. I think you should write to him and ask him whether he would prefer to tell his wife-to-be about your DD or whether he would prefer you to.

Exactly - the fallout of doing anything like this is not going to do anything to improve the situation for your DD

OMFG DD has just dropped a clanger!!

I think your dd should continue that text conversation with him. My mum has told me that you did know about me when I was born and that you called the police when she turned up to introduce me to you and the family, so why are you saying you didn't know about me?

Oh, xpost. What clanger?

You are going to love this ladies - the fucking irony.

HE WORKS FOR THE CSA!!!! The woman knows about DD and he told my DD that i was sleeping around so she could be anyones.

I don't have the words.

Ive told dd to post the screenshots on his wall - fuck him and the horse he rode in on. bastard. stronzo de merde

Put the shoe on the other foot. You meet "Mr. Right", are about to marry him, and his crazy ex-girl friend writes you a note. Would you do much more than roll your eyes?

I would do nothing. I certainly wouldn't write a note to her. What if the woman is truly a nice person and badgers him into a relationship with DD? Or he decides to go along with it merely to look good for his new wife? He's an obvious dick. I wouldn't even open the door for him to string your daughter along.

We have a friend that's notorious for finding the most dysfunctional women possible, then cheating and stringing them along until he gets bored. We stay out of it. Warning them would just get us flack from both parties involved.

Experience is the best teacher. If she's madly in love, she'll find a way to either write you off, or justify his behavior.

He should prove that then, by having a dna! So why is he resisting that?

Works for the csa...FFS!