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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike the term "full time mum"

310 replies

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 04/10/2015 20:49

Last time I checked all mums were full time mums, you don't clock off when you go to work.

What's wrong with housewife or stay at home mum or unemployed? When did being a parent become an employment status?

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 04/10/2015 23:02

"Those of us who work"? You think what you do when you come home isn't work? I hope you don't claim to work full time, Lunchpack, given the fact you get home in time to do all that non-work with your children and around the house before you rest your weary head. Proper full time workers don't get home 'til their kids are asleep in bed, and they only come home to sleep, don't you know.Wink

AbeSaidYes · 04/10/2015 23:05

"Because I, as a mum who is with my kids all the time, don't like being defined as 'unemployed' simply because I don't earn a wage"

We're going to need another term for mums who don't earn a wage and have children who are all at school for 6 hours a day.

The only offensive thing about 'full time mum' is the fact that dads don't get called 'full time dad' or 'part time dad' or 'wohd'.

manicinsomniac · 04/10/2015 23:19

I work full time and am not especially offended by the term full time mum. I think it's fine. If you don't start overthinking it just describes what a SAHM does - ie stay with their children all the time.

I think full time mum and SAHM are both fine. I don't like full time mummy though, that makes me heave!

You can't use unemployed, it suggests they're seeking work when the majority probably already have a job, they just aren't at it because they have a baby.

My suggestion would just be simply 'I'm on maternity leave at the moment but usually I do XYZ'. That would avoid the need for any title.

Kampeki · 04/10/2015 23:27

So you didn't work before you had children? When your children are grown and have left home you'll give up work and survive on fresh air? Having children makes paid employment more essential, but you are lying to yourself if you believe that the main reason you work is to provide for your children.

There are many reasons why I work, one of which is because I want to. You are right that being a parent is not the only reason why I have a job. However, it is the only reason why I do the job that I currently do. When dd has left home, I will no longer have the same pressure to earn at the level which I currently earn, nor will flexibility be a high priority. I will have the freedom to go back to doing what I love. For the time being, I have parental responsibilities to fulfil.

knittingdad · 05/10/2015 01:02

Unpaid childcare worker perhaps?

swimmerforlife · 05/10/2015 01:21

As full-time parent is someone who stays home with the children full time, I must be only a part time parent as I work full time.

I really don't get whats wrong with SAHP, people are not that ignorant to think you only stay at home with the children. Thats what DH used to describe himself when he was off in work, in reality he was just trying to find another job.

Senpai · 05/10/2015 03:46

I don't see what the big deal is. You know when someone says "Full time mom" that they mean they stay home to take care of the kids and that being mom is their job. I see no problem acknowledging that being a mom is a full time job and hard work.

People that work are still always parents, but they are only taking care of them part of the time. Working to "provide for your kids" doesn't count, you'd be working anyway if you didn't have them. You will always need money for bills and expenses, kids or not.

People need to stop being insecure with that and treating it like a value judgement. You're only taking care of them part of the time, you're still a mom all of the time. But your job is not being a mother, your career is your job. These women's careers have been put on hold because they took up the job of motherhood.

It'd be silly to say you're a full time lawyer if you're only working early morning and nights and not full time. You would just be a lawyer.

Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 05/10/2015 06:22

auntyclot I guess your definition of doing mum-ing and mine is very different. I've stated my reasons in my pp as to why I don't agree with a PP. I'm not repeating myself. This topic has so many points of view. Do I completely absolve myself of responsibility for my DC when I leave in the morning to provide for him? No. Therefore I'm a full time mum.

roundaboutthetown · 05/10/2015 07:04

You are a full time mum, Prettyeyedpiratesmile, but that's probably not how you choose to define yourself if someone asks you what you do. Nobody has said you aren't allowed to describe yourself as a full time mum, have they? It isn't a term forbidden to parents in paid work (who often offensively describe themselves as working parents, as though work only exists if you are paid for it) if they wish to use it. "Solicitor," on the other hand, is forbidden to people who do not hold a practising certificate.

JoeMommuh · 05/10/2015 07:07

A term I hate a lot more is "working mum"

I get called this all the time. To the best of my knowledge my husband has NEVER been called a "working dad" he's just a human rather than being constantly reminded that he's abandoned his offspring at home to go off on a jolly to the office!

redcaryellowcar · 05/10/2015 07:29

I'm not sure what is right, I'm a 'full time mum' without another paid job, stay at home mum sounds wrong to me, mostly because we get out most days for large parts of the day? I'm not sure there is a perfect description and different people are offended for different reasons.

Amummyatlast · 05/10/2015 07:35

I don't particularly mind people calling themselves full time mums, even though I would use the term SAHM if I were in that position. I don't think much about my 'mumness' at work because I'm too busy doing my job; a job I would have to do with or without children. (I think that avoiding the use of the term SAHM because people might think you stay at home all day is pretty ludicrous.)

And SAHP are not unemployed. I'd be very offended if anyone called my DH unemployed rather than a SAHD, because it implies that he's at home because he can't find/keep a job, rather than the fact that he choose to stay at home to look after DD.

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 07:39

Why does what someone else calls themselves have anything to do with you?

And you can take your "unemployed" suggestion and shove it somewhere painful.

Try thinking before engaging your fingers.

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 07:41

people are not that ignorant to think you only stay at home with the children.

Equally, people are not that ignorant to think "full time parent" means that parents who work stop being parents when they go to work.

SirChenjin · 05/10/2015 07:49

It could be worse. When my sister gave up work for a while it was because she was going to be a "proper mum". Now that really did tick me off a bit Grin

SheGotAllDaMoves · 05/10/2015 07:54

I find it odd that women (and it is always women) want to be defined solely by their parenting status.

I like to be lots of things. A parent. A wife. A writer. A lecturer. A businesswoman. A volunteer. A MNer Smile.

I'm never anything to the exclusion of anything else.

EponasWildDaughter · 05/10/2015 07:56

Why are working mums so worried about what mums who don't work call themselves? It's all so competitive.

If you work full time, and you want to say you're a 'full time mum' when someone asks 'what you do?', then say it. But it's going to look a bit odd, because the question is (well known to be) a polite way of asking if you have paid employment.

Binkybix · 05/10/2015 08:00

I work and 'full time mum' as a description of parents who don't do paid work doesn't bother me at all. I think of it as a description of what people do. I just don't do as much of what I think of as parenting when I'm at work.

And also, I don't really care even if people think I am a part time parent. It doesn't impact on me.

Binkybix · 05/10/2015 08:01

Oh, and I do know a few men who don't do paid work who have been referred to as 'full time dads'.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 05/10/2015 08:06

Binky that's interesting about Dads.

I know quite a few SAHDs and none of them would self refer like that. Most of them still dabble in their old areas of work (media/creatives) and refer to those projects often.

The Dads who made a packet in the city usually say they 'retired early' and spend their days training for Iron Man. The idea that they are cooking and cleaning when their DC are in school is laughable.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 05/10/2015 08:08

It's a daft term, usually one used as the person doesn't want to admit they are unemployed.

Men don't have this problem, they just state what they do if asked. I've never heard any say banker by day and part time dad.

A person is either in employment or not, so just say that rather than try and dress it up.

Staying home is not a job nor work. All parents look after their children and all adults have to cook and clean as part of life.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 05/10/2015 08:18

It's interesting that cooking and cleaning is seen as 'parenting' but earning money to spend on our DC is not.

Kampeki · 05/10/2015 08:21

It's interesting that cooking and cleaning is seen as 'parenting' but earning money to spend on our DC is not.

Yes indeed!

Presumably, those who think that parenting only refers to childcare would not refer to themselves as "full-time parents" once their dc have started school, so what do they call themselves then?

Mintyy · 05/10/2015 08:22

How rude and ignorant you are CookieMonster.

As has been argued hundreds of times on this and countless previous threads on this subject, being a sahp is NOT the same as being unemployed. There is no stigma in being unemployed for that matter, but someone has to look after small children by law and if that person happens to be their parent then that parent is not unemployed, they are looking after a child or children. What would you call a childminder who looks after their own and other children? Drive yourself mad trying to find a disparaging way of describing that person why don't you.

Mintyy · 05/10/2015 08:26

Kampeki

Most probably don't call themselves anything! OP is annoyed by people who call themselves "full time Mum" but I would argue that a miniscule minority of sahps describe themselves thus.

I agree that it is truly bizarre that how a person describes the work they do is the cause of so much oneupmanship and grandstanding on Mumsnet.