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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike the term "full time mum"

310 replies

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 04/10/2015 20:49

Last time I checked all mums were full time mums, you don't clock off when you go to work.

What's wrong with housewife or stay at home mum or unemployed? When did being a parent become an employment status?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 04/10/2015 21:11

I am not unemployed though. I am not seeking paid work at the moment.

Mouthfulofquiz · 04/10/2015 21:11

X-factor made me twitch for about a million other reasons than this! Considering the person who said it lives in a mother and baby unit - I'm not sure if she would even be allowed to work? Anyway - I don't know, and I'm sure she has never given any thought to the fact it might upset someone else.
I don't pay any attention to the phrase. I never think anyone means anything by it.

Kampeki · 04/10/2015 21:11

However, if you're working, you are only doing these parenting activities part of the time.

No, if you are working, you are doing different parenting activities. Children need food, clothes and suitable housing, and it is the duty of responsible parents to provide these. In some families, this aspect of parenting is taken on by one parent while the other parent takes on the responsibilities of housework and childcare. In other families, all parenting tasks, including the bread-winning, are shared between both partners.

All parents are parents, all of the time.

Spidertracker · 04/10/2015 21:12

I wouldn't say 'unemployed is unemployed' if you don't work out of choice, either raising children, retired or whatever and not claiming JSA, Income Support, or Tax credits etc then you are not unemployed in the accepted definition of the world.

katienana · 04/10/2015 21:13

I don't like stay at home because it sounds like I don't go anywhere. I don't see why I should describe myself a certain way just to avoid upsetting someone who is being over sensitive. What should I say, that I do unpaid childcare for my son for 50 hours a week?

Mintyy · 04/10/2015 21:14

I completely agree with Belleandboo.

Unemployed doesn't cover it (do you wohps consider your childminders or nannies to be unemployed?) and housewife is just frankly insulting.

I never said I was a "full time mum" when I had to describe my status when my children were little.

I just said "I'm not working at the moment while I look after my children". Hopefully that didn't offend anyone who was doing things differently. Bit difficult to fit that on a form, mind you.

Also, op, how can you possibly have been here for years and not been aware of this argument done 10,000 times?

JassyRadlett · 04/10/2015 21:14

Stay at home home mum is identical to full time mum.

No, it really isn't. The former describes the situation without setting up a dichotomy at someone else's expense; the latter implies that mothers who work are part-time mothers.

Curiously no one refers to fathers who work outside the home as part-time fathers.

If SAHM is problematic, what's wrong with 'I look after the children full time' or 'I'm not in paid employment' or similar?

HumphreyCobblers · 04/10/2015 21:15

But no one but me is supervising my toddler in the sandpit between the hours of nine and five, or cooking their meals, or changing their nappy etc etc. That is what I am doing at that time. So how SHOULD I describe myself?

JassyRadlett · 04/10/2015 21:15

X-post with Mintyy.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/10/2015 21:17

No Katytatiepot. The definition of someone who is unemployed is someone who is actively seeking a job but cannot find one.

JassyRadlett · 04/10/2015 21:17

I don't like stay at home because it sounds like I don't go anywhere. I don't see why I should describe myself a certain way just to avoid upsetting someone who is being over sensitive.

Hang on. You don't want to be described by a certain term because you think it's inaccurate, but others who don't want to be described by a certain term (even if by implication) because they think it's inaccurate are 'over sensitive'?

Right.

BrandNewAndImproved · 04/10/2015 21:19

I hate the term full time mum as well. No we are all full-time mums and if you don't work you are classed as a housewife.

When I wasn't working and I had my ds they put my occupation down on his birth cert as a house wife even thoughiwasnt married. That is the correct term.

It's so bloody sanctimonious. Your not a better mother then me but your insinuating that you are by saying full-time.

tametempo · 04/10/2015 21:20

I work now but when I was a SAHM I would refer to myself as being a 'full time mum' I could never get my head around why this would offend people. I never gave it a single thought that people would feel I was putting them down for it!
It just meant purely that is what I do- the decision I have made is to be a mum full time rather than juggling work and being a mum. Unemployed didn't seem to fit as I had made a decision to take a break from work for a few years.
Do you think a SAH father would get this sort of hassle if they described themselves as a full time dad? I think people would take it for what it is!

Passmethecrisps · 04/10/2015 21:20

The term full-time mum irritates me but I think an alternative is hard.

I work 'full-time' which means by standard definitions I am out at work between the hours of 9-5. Thereabouts. 40 hour week type thing.

I have learned to pack away my own sensitivities about working and feeling like people are judging me for this. So if someone calls themselves a full-time mum i presume they mean that they are caring for their children in a physical way during standard working hours.

Kampeki · 04/10/2015 21:21

Kampkei when you are "earning money to put food on the table" it is in no way different to what other people are doing at your work who do not have children.

Yes, your children benefit, but that is not a parenting activity. It is exactly the same activity for parents and non-parents.

Lots of sahms include cooking and housework as part of their daily activities. I very much doubt that any sahms spend each and every minute of their day on childcare alone. Presumably these mums should not call themselves full time mums either, as although their kids might benefit from any cooking or cleaning that gets done, other people do that stuff as well.

Perhaps your kids don't need to eat, and you don't spend any money on your family at all that you wouldn't spend as a single person. My dd, on the other hand, seems to need quite a lot of food and clothing, and she has some expensive hobbies too. Hence I need to earn more now than I would if I was not a parent. For me, working is one of my responsibilities as a parent, and when I'm in the office, I'm fulfilling my parenting responsibilities every bit as much as I do when I'm at home.

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2015 21:21

YANBU.

Would you describe mum's as part time mums? I don't think so.

Liquoricetwirl · 04/10/2015 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JassyRadlett · 04/10/2015 21:23

Tametempo, but equally, I've never, ever heard anyone refer to a 'full time dad' or 'part time dad' (except in the case of separated parents). Their parenting status isn't dependent on their work.

By the same token, I don't really get why mothers need to be defined by their employment status, and why we feel the need to label ourselves.

OrangeNoodle · 04/10/2015 21:24

When I took a short career break while mine were pre-school age I used to say I was 'on a career break' or 'not working at the moment'.

I do not really understand the concept of full time parenting, staying at home or housewifing. Unless a family would be significantly financially worse off by having both parents working (i.e. minimum wage jobs), there are Visa reasons why one parent can't work, or the child/relative/parent needs significant care because of ill health or disability then I cannot understand it at all. If I'm honest, it just seems lazy, really.

Even when I was on a career break I had other things that I did that described who I was, e.g.

  • writing a novel = I'm a writer
  • caring for severely disabled child = I'm a carer
  • renovating a house = I'm project managing a renovation

There was never ever a reason to say I'm a 'full time mum' SAHM or housewife. I wonder if people struggle with these definitions because they are a bit empty.

Viviennemary · 04/10/2015 21:25

It's a silly phrase and meaningless. But as others have said it's been done and discussed on here ad nauseum.

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2015 21:25

You could go all American and use homemaker Grin

Passmethecrisps · 04/10/2015 21:25

In essence I think it is a phrase beloved of the daily mail which nicely pigeon holes women and pits is against each other. Or rather our reaction to it does.

I judge no one for not going out the home to work just as I expect not to be judged for going back to paid employment.

honkinghaddock · 04/10/2015 21:34

I'd describe myself as a stay at home mum or carer (receive carers allowance). I'm not a housewife and not unemployed.

charlestonchaplin · 04/10/2015 21:41

Kampeki No, if you are working, you are doing different parenting activities. Children need food, clothes and suitable housing, and it is the duty of responsible parents to provide these.

So you didn't work before you had children? When your children are grown and have left home you'll give up work and survive on fresh air? Having children makes paid employment more essential, but you are lying to yourself if you believe that the main reason you work is to provide for your children.

People work because work is necessary for the kind of life they want to lead. There are many benefits to paid work, only one of which is that it enables people to provide for their children. Those benefits don't vanish in the absence of children.

roundaboutthetown · 04/10/2015 21:46

I must remember to write to the government to inform them their unemployment statistics are entirely wrong and we have a massive unemployment problem in this country. Grin All those retired people, voluntary workers, students, children, babies, etc - all of them unemployed!