to plan our visit around SIL

[cjt110]

Christmas.

SIL lives abroad and comes over with her kids and husband for approx 3 weeks and stays at MILs. We live 150 miles away and travel down. On the last 2 occasions we have stayed at a hotel because - and I quote - there is no room at the Inn.

It costs us approx £120 to £150 for a 2 night stay (£40 diesel, £60 hotel, £20 breakfast plus on one occasion we had to buy our own tea as they had dinner early).

PIL live in a 3 bed house. SIL takes up 2 spare rooms with her, her husband and the 2 children (aged 2 and 4). The room SIL stays in is big enough to "house" all 4 of them. We were suggested before "Oh just sleep on the living room floor. So we would have to wait until all go to bed, having our DS (13m) disrupted in a cot in the lounge and get up at the crack of dawn when everyone else gets up. When we went last time, SIL was particularly rude to me on a few occasions even causing raised eyebrows from MIL (who didnt say a word).

We have decided we will go down either before/after SIL visits. When we went last time, not only was she rude to me, she barely spoke a word to either of us, let her kids run riot (eg. allowing her duaghter to rifile through my handbag and run around with a steak knife in her hand - stating "Oh zipping your bag up wont stop her" No, but you moving your child and telling her not to will.

Anything I post on facebook always gets neagtive/sarky comments from her. Two recent examples, I posted a funny video of son running/walking in his walker and she commented with "I don't like walkers. Neither of my two children had them. I think they're ugly" Not adding anything to the video or anything of value. I put a status up about how after emptying a box of duplo onto the floor, that my son had tidied up each and every piece into the box. She then commented with "It wont last. Kids arent tidy" I replied with well maybe it won't but encouraging him to do it seems to work as he has been doing it more and more" Her reply was Nah. Wont last.

At christmas gone, we bought her a salt and pepper set in the shape of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. She likes Disney. We had thought about what to get her and she just went oh thanks/. Probably won't use them so I'll just sell them on ebay WTAF! She got us presents that were clearly unthought about. I asked people not to get me smellies etc as I didnt use any that were bought for me the year before and she got me a showergel - not even a set, just a single showergel and a cheap £1 diary and got DH a keyring. I dont care of the amount, it's the degree of thought that goes into a gift. There were none in those gifts. She had the cheek to ask DH should she keep an eye out for the postman when it was her birthday - she NEVER sends him a birthday card.

AIBU to avoid when she is there? We get no joy from seeing her. She doesn't interact with us when we are there and it just feels awkward trying to be polite and civil when I get more conversation and enjoyment from a plant.

She sounds like hard work to spend time with.

But it'd be a shame not to see her or her family when they visit this country. I adored spending time with my cousins when I was little.n and MIL would probably enjoy spending time with her whole family once a year.

Any way you could arrange to meet up for a day midway between yours and MILs at a country park or theme park or similar?

You don't like each other so don't see each other. Everything else is irrelevant really, you

Just tell them 'this year we are doing Christmas at home, no gifts necessary.'

I would, set FB so she can't read your posts. Visit IL's whiles she's not there. Offer to Skype if they want contact.

She's obviously jealous of you or going through a tricky time and is unhappy

She sounds awful!

I would arrange the visit for you to end the day she is due to arrive that way there is a crossover. Either that or a meetup for the day somewhere with lots of distractions so you dont have to spend time alone with her.

chairmeoh She is hard work to spend time with. Arranging something halfway? We would be willing to travel - PIL have travelled to see us maybe 5 times in 9 years (wedding, birth of our son, when DH moved up here being 3 of those times!) so can't see that happening either....

We do this with dh's brother and family, and we actually like and get on with them, there is just not room in his parents house for six adults and four children between us. We just try and meet them at another time, buy if you don't get on then I wouldn't stress about that to be honest, the effort shouldn't all be on your side.

Question is, how do we get around it? I know last year she said something abotu when were we coming down for Christmas. I said I didnt know (I didn't know as DH works alternate weekends) and she got in a bit of a strop because she wanted to "see her nephew" who she was meeting for the first time yet went nowhere near and didnt coo over him or anything.

Do we just say, we cant afford the hotel? Do we blame DH's working shifts? We have been particularly wishy washy about what time we get off over Christmas when MIL if we had any more holidays to take this year as we knew it would be preloaded about Christmas.

Why go if it'[s so awful?

You can always see your parents another time, when they have the space to put you up.

I don't hold with this "blood is thicker than water" business.
Relatives are such by an accident of birth, no more.
If you don't get on then spend christmas at home.

I would have no qualms.

Mum of. .. you could be me! I am very very pleased to say my bats hit SIL decided to go no contact with me and DH a few months ago. So much of this reminds me of her. Minimise contact as much as possible. Why visit I'd it is costly and you are treated this way? It's not worth it- trust me. I spent 11 years trying to win her over. That's a lot of time I won't get back . Learn from someone else's mistakes and cut your losses.

Argh sorry- I meant to refer to cjt- sorry OP.

Just say you are having Christmas at home this year, say you really fancy having a family Christmas at home. There is nothing wrong in that.
Hell she is there for 3 weeks so if she wants to come visit for a few days tell her she can. Nice offer made, one that she won't accept from the sound of it so it's a win all round!

Thanks for your replies. Im glad it seems be to be the consensus not to waste our time/money/effort on her.

Just to find a diplomatic way of saying we arent going. (She usually goes from say 22 Dec to 5 Jan)

I reckon she's that horrible because something about you makes her feel bad about herself (could be anything, maybe she thinks you're better-looking, maybe she thinks your DH is better-looking, maybe she's jealous of your job, whatever. I'd guess the snarky comments about your kids are because saying mean things about one's children is one of the most effective ways to upset people, or maybe she's jealous of them).

Saying you can't afford the hotel will work, but I'd be tempted not to pander to her feelings. If anything, telling her that you want a special family Christmas with just the four of you, will really wind her up, so that's what I'd do. (Yes, I know, I'm obnoxious)

However... it rather depends on your DH, because it's his family/Christmas too. If he really wants to see his parents, then I'd try to persuade him to see them at any point when SIL isn't there. If it'll break his heart not to, then go... but when the SIL starts with the unkind comments, just say 'Oh! How mean!' and look surprised but not upset.

Good luck!

Yeah, I think I'd say you can't afford it this year, tbh. If you need more back up, say that your DH's shifts don't coincide either, and you definitely can't afford for him to lose any money or his job, so it's just not going to work for you. Sounds like your SIL couldn't give a shit anyway, and you'll see your PILs at a slightly different time, so it will be ok. Just stand your ground and keep saying "Sorry, that doesn't work for us".

No don't say you can't afford to - that'll just end up with you on the living room floor again. Honestly, just saying 'we're having Christmas at home this year' is fine, it's a neutral statement. Don't get dragged into explanations.

How about inviting people to visit you for a day or two (not for Christmas, maybe after Boxing Day and before New Year)? As you say, they'll probably not come but then you can pretend that you wanted to see them.

I would say you can't afford the hotel and there's obviously no room for you to stay there, so it's best you go before or after, what would be best for PIL? You could also say to PIL that if SIL wants to see you during your stay, you are happy to host all of them for the day, and to just let you know what works, but no, you aren't coming down for the day.

Leave it in their court. I would also start saying that it's hard for you to visit PIL and really, it would be easier for them to visit you. If they chose not to, that's not actually your problem, your PIL will be the ones missing out on seeing their DGC.

ItchyArmpit I dont know what her issue is. She just seems very... unsecure? Perhaps its because she has 2 kids who are little shits, one of which wont sleep unless with her and who screams (literally) constantly for attention and she was previously a nanny and we have just the one, no previous experience with children who is 99% of the time, extremely well behaved.

That she visited the last 2 times on her own without her husband who would prefer to help with the family harvest etc than come? Who knows.

Who knows.

Lately, I do feel sad for Dh as he has begun to realise with some great sadness that his parents dont really give a shit. Take for example numerous posts on facebook from his mum about how excited she was to be going to see his sister (flying out the day after his birthday) and sending his birthday card late in the post, and putting in it "To MrCJT, happy birthday love from Mum and Dad. Ps. Your Uncle has 2 weeks left to live"

That they seem to do everything for his sister and brother yet we go weeks without contact and 99% of the time have to initiate it ourselves. I have said before why do we even bother and he gets quite upset saying how would I like it if he said not to see my parents - which is not what I am saying - so I think although he is upset at their behaviour and lack of care, he does love them and care about them. He said said before it's always been about his sister. Ever since being small (he is the eldest of 3, she is the middle and he has a younger brother). that she has always been the loud, brash one, the one that always got fussed over and got everything whilst he and his brother were just pushed to the sidelines.

Now that brother lives 2 mins walk from MIlk and has a gf and daughter, they seem to be favourites too. Leaving just us on the outside.

I find it particularly hard as my brother and I were always treated equally. No favourites.

As for the invite them to us - Knowing my luck they'd call my bloody bluff!

Its just families - half the time people have no idea what they are saying or doing and the impact it has on other people, because its family we take it more personally. Don't stop seeing them just stop giving a shit about their shenanigans. I am eldest of 6 and believe me I know all about shenanigans, I am quite assertive, have ad senior roles in large organisations but in family I just take a step back and let them get on with it and disengage if I don't like it. Half the time they don't notice and of late there have been one or two comments/actions from some that made me realise they have cottoned on to my tactics and started employing the same!!

God, they all sound like nightmares, cjt. Not just SIL but PIL too. Sounds like you'll have a much happier Christmas without them.

I'd go for the 'hotel too expensive' option. Or just 'we're doing Christmas by ourselves this year, we don't want to be travelling too much because of weather/traffic/you're all shitbags and we hate you' (okay the last one may be too aggressive )

She sounds like a nightmare.. A negative, snipy nightmare! Life is too short for all this, take control and see her on your terms. If there is a fallout then so be it, your life will be better for it.. Also hide your posts from her if she doesn't have anything nice to say.

Solution OP - visit your inlaws 2 weeks before xmas. Offer to make a xmas dinner and take presents early then and you'll do an unofficial xmas at that time. You get to stay with them. do silly xmas stuff etc because you cannot afford to come over xmas/the hotels are booked up nearby/you have plans boxing day etc etc.

you avoid the SIL from hell (my own sis is like this so I really understand your pain) but your DH gets his family time with mum and dad.

If his parents don't want to do this then I guess you both know where you stand!

Sorry CJT but you don't sound great. In fact you could be describing my children (Little shits is probably how most people do). If i was SIL i wouldn't go if you were there either and would be relieved if you planned to go another time.

My DS1 would go thru a handbag and no amount of telling no (hollow laugh) would stop him, i would tell you to remove it if you didn't want it touched, which i expect to be pretty obvious. He also will only sleep with me too ( and the other wakes every hour), which is why we also need 2 bedrooms when visiting people.

The FB posts are rude but sometimes when my dc are being 'little shits' i get really fucked off with smug FB posts too.

This is why we don't visit people btw.

MrsKoala just because you have a 'different' notion of parenting does not make it a good standard, sorry.

The difficulty is that if you don't go the cousins don't see each other. Only you know if your relationship with SIL is so bad that you're prepared to sacrifice the kids' relationships with each other. Can you go and just make it all about the kids, ignore her completely? She and MIL will get the message you don't care for her but are doing this for the kids. Stay one or two nights in the hotel, keep gifts to a minimum because of expense of hotel (say this - she can't have everything and give nothing, don't get her anything just something for the kids), and don't go over Xmas day itself. Keep that for yourself so your kids actually get a good Xmas. The children playing with each other for a couple of days will prolong the holiday experience for everyone. And maybe the hotel will be cheaper too.

Given how much the OP dislikes the kids, not allowing them to mix with her dd would be a good thing.