to plan our visit around SIL

[cjt110]

Christmas.

SIL lives abroad and comes over with her kids and husband for approx 3 weeks and stays at MILs. We live 150 miles away and travel down. On the last 2 occasions we have stayed at a hotel because - and I quote - there is no room at the Inn.

It costs us approx £120 to £150 for a 2 night stay (£40 diesel, £60 hotel, £20 breakfast plus on one occasion we had to buy our own tea as they had dinner early).

PIL live in a 3 bed house. SIL takes up 2 spare rooms with her, her husband and the 2 children (aged 2 and 4). The room SIL stays in is big enough to "house" all 4 of them. We were suggested before "Oh just sleep on the living room floor. So we would have to wait until all go to bed, having our DS (13m) disrupted in a cot in the lounge and get up at the crack of dawn when everyone else gets up. When we went last time, SIL was particularly rude to me on a few occasions even causing raised eyebrows from MIL (who didnt say a word).

We have decided we will go down either before/after SIL visits. When we went last time, not only was she rude to me, she barely spoke a word to either of us, let her kids run riot (eg. allowing her duaghter to rifile through my handbag and run around with a steak knife in her hand - stating "Oh zipping your bag up wont stop her" No, but you moving your child and telling her not to will.

Anything I post on facebook always gets neagtive/sarky comments from her. Two recent examples, I posted a funny video of son running/walking in his walker and she commented with "I don't like walkers. Neither of my two children had them. I think they're ugly" Not adding anything to the video or anything of value. I put a status up about how after emptying a box of duplo onto the floor, that my son had tidied up each and every piece into the box. She then commented with "It wont last. Kids arent tidy" I replied with well maybe it won't but encouraging him to do it seems to work as he has been doing it more and more" Her reply was Nah. Wont last.

At christmas gone, we bought her a salt and pepper set in the shape of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. She likes Disney. We had thought about what to get her and she just went oh thanks/. Probably won't use them so I'll just sell them on ebay WTAF! She got us presents that were clearly unthought about. I asked people not to get me smellies etc as I didnt use any that were bought for me the year before and she got me a showergel - not even a set, just a single showergel and a cheap £1 diary and got DH a keyring. I dont care of the amount, it's the degree of thought that goes into a gift. There were none in those gifts. She had the cheek to ask DH should she keep an eye out for the postman when it was her birthday - she NEVER sends him a birthday card.

AIBU to avoid when she is there? We get no joy from seeing her. She doesn't interact with us when we are there and it just feels awkward trying to be polite and civil when I get more conversation and enjoyment from a plant.

I'm wondering if you come across as smug to your SIL.

It has probably been overlooked, but in her post of Tues 29th 11.55, the OP states how when growing up her DH and his DB were always pushed to the sidelines while their sister who was loud and got her own way got all the fuss and attention. So every Christmas when SIL comes over she and her kids are centre stage. It is for DH and his DB to decide whether they raise the subject with their parents regarding their favouritism of SIL.

I feel that in order to get some kind of quality time with his parents, going to visit before Christmas when SIL isn't there is the best shot he has. He could still see his DB and his family while there, They just wouldn't have to fight for their parents attention. This is the real issue, not whether a baby got an Easter egg or not, or who's kids are the worst behaved.

OP, Christmas day is a Friday this year, you could go the week-end before 19-20th.

I think we will make the situation easier for ourselves (and potentially PIL as I take on board having lots of guests could be hard for them) and go before after christmas. As a PP said, there are numerous occassions where SIL has said unkind (and on their own petty) things but in the bigger picture it all adds up to being quite snidey about various things. The events I have listed above are those that are most recent that I can bring to mind but believe me, there are far, far more.

We like going to PILs at other times and perhaps I find there being 4 loud people in the house which arent usually there stressful. Who knows.

My husband tries to stay on contact with his parents as much as possible but when they feign interest in things and turn the conversation constantly about his sister, I can see why he feels he is hitting a brick wall. Petty again I know but take for example yesterday. Our third wedding anniversary. MIL made a comment about how she hadnt heard of the food we had had to eat (only an M&S 2 dine for £10 thing) in response to a post about how yummy it was but didnt think to wish us happy anniversary yet the day before for SILs birthday, plastered everyhwre about SILs birthday - wishing her a great day - how much fun she had had etc etc. It just smacks of favouritism for want of a better word.

I do feel for DH as he was very close to his parents when he lived down there but since he moved up here 9 years ago, and more recently in the last year we seem to have been pushed further out of the family.

DH says it's just the way it is, although he does have times where he is geniunely upset that his parents make no effort to contact him etc and that it's always all over facebook about his sister.

I guess perhaps thats why I get so wound up by her.

Thanks for all your posts, even some that were quite brutal. Perhaps we just need to accept things are the way they are and just carry on with our lives.

OP, Christmas day is a Friday this year, you could go the week-end before 19-20th.

If the SIL is there for 3 weeks, I'd be opting for the first weekend in Dec personally.

Why does a child who has to sleep with the parents mean two rooms are required? Surely that is more likely to mean only one room is required than if parents and children 'need' different rooms?

BestZebbie Because the other child sleeps in that room.

DisappointedOne I have just text DH asking about does he know what he is working at Xmas yet (he usually works Xmas/NY and has the other of the one he doesnt work off).

If your SIL only visits for three weeks a year & your husband has the rest of the year to see his parents, it's hard to see how she's the one doing the pushing out tbh.

Sorry, missed your last two posts

Sounds as if it's PILs you should be annoyed with.

That said, my dad often talks to me about my sister as it's something to talk about.

He does let me say what I want to though & is interested in me & my family.

You're not coming out of this smelling like roses either.

Your SIL sounds rude. You sound smug and irritating.

Your bestest behaved child EVER will change, love. He's a baby.

I have three. Very well behaved. It didn't happen by accident and of course there were times they were "little shits".

You're also possibly one of those facebookers who put every nuance of your child's existence up there. I'd be tempted to make a so fucking what comment on him putting blocks in a box!

There's no excuse for some of her rudeness. But there's no excuse for your carry on either!

To all those saying "the cousins need to know each other", we are in a similar situation. Tbh, effort needs to come from both sides. We have tried and tried and nodded and smiled, when for anyone else we'd have stopped trying, just to try and forge a relationship between the children.

Ours are now 7,5 and 3 and the cousins are 10 and 8. They are ok when we see them, but it's clear they've been fed their parents' side of the story and are very cautious. It's really sad, but you can't force relationships. My kids are sad about it sometimes, particularly the eldest, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do, and by trying so hard we've probably given them more prominence in our children's lives and made it that they do miss them more than if we'd not bothered.

We also have a SMIL who has cut our children off but embraced the cousins, and it all feels desperately unfair. However, we cannot do any more.

OP - I would just announce that you're having a family Christmas at home and not enter into any discussions about anything else. If they're bothered, they'll try and make something work. If not, leave them to it. 2 years ago we had Christmas just as a family. I thought it was going to be sad and quiet, but it was LOVELY!

I honestly think your DH wasn't that unhappy with his parents and his sister until you started bitching, nitpicking and pointing out all the little perceived slights. Honestly, the stuff you list is petty and completely within your power to stop. Instead, you appear to thrive on it and just add fuel to what is a little flame.

SIL comments ok your posts? When you make a post, there's a feature on FB that allows you to exclude her and MIL every single time. Sorted.

You bitch about how she doesn't spend any time carefully considering your xmas gift (well she does probably have a lot to buy for, since she visits her home county just once a year!) ... Oh wait, but she does buy lots of lovely considerate gifts for your child. Nope, not good enough because when you made sure you thanked her, she didn't appear gracious enough to receive your thanks of approval?!

I also find it rich that you're criticising her former career - she was a nanny but can't discipline her own children, she has no idea what she's talking about when she points out your baby won't think tidying up is still fun at toddler stage, etc.

And then you throw in, oh the children don't even speak English.

Does MIL speak their language? Do you? Massive massive thing, being a toddler in a strange environment and not understanding anyone. I bet your body language to a toddler to who can't understand you is pretty hostile. I wonder how you would feel if your SIL made your child so unwelcomed in the house you grew up in.

I don't know why people turn themselves inside out trying to make excuses, rather than just say they don't want to travel at Christmas, to stay in a hotel/sleep on a floor.

I wouldn't like it if someone allowed their child to rifle through my handbag. Children do misbehave but parents have a responsibility to not just ignore it. Also everyone boasts about their kids on fb - it's what it's for. If you don't want to see it, hide the offenders or delete fb (I have and like my friends a lot more, having done so). Very rude of dil to make negative comments.

The truth is, you probably just rub each other up the wrong way and are best avoiding each other, esp at the flashpoint that is Christmas.

I feel sorry for your in laws with all these rather miserable children and children in law.

MIL made a comment about how she hadnt heard of the food we had had to eat (only an M&S 2 dine for £10 thing) in response to a post about how yummy it was but didnt think to wish us happy anniversary yet the day before for SILs birthday, plastered everyhwre about SILs birthday - wishing her a great day - how much fun she had had etc etc.

Oh FFS!

You seem determined to see the worst in everyone OP.
Good luck with that.

Guess we'll just have to accept it. It just breaks my heart to see DH so downtrodden about it. Its wrong he should just have to accept it. but then again, nothing is going to change so whats the point in worrying over it.

Actually, it sounds like your husband was perfectly happy till you started with your drama!

So are you saying that PILs aren't interested in your family even when SIL isn't there?

If so, pull back and leave your husband to deal with things how he wants.

Don't buy this "breaks my heart" for a moment. I think you have written your little script and are hellbent into fitting in your poor husband's family into your roles. Will you be suggesting NC to him soon? Trying to isolate him from his immediate family? Because they'd be warning your DH of the red flags and educating him on how that's possible emotional abuse from his partner.

They'd be warning you on the relationship boards

Completely different meaning to "They'd" whoops

Waltermittythesequel HortonWho I havent voiced any of my opinions about his family until extremely recently when he started to say how he was fed up with it all.

And as for the do his parents speak the language, no they dont. Nor do BIL and his family. The children speak limited English. I play with them. I am kind to them. They start screaming, hitting etc and I can't discipline them. Its not my place to do so. They don;t listen to any instructions their Mum gives them and as such she then just lets them do whatever they feel like... As stated playing with steak knifes, rifling through peoples bags, going in the kitchen when PILs are cooking and SIL just lets them.

SIL and I did get on a long time ago. Then when she had her own children, she just became negative about a lot of things and quite abrupt in her posts etc. Whether it is just because she predominantly speaks another language and they are more direct, I don't know.

I would love to go and have a big family Christmas and enjoy ourselves. Its not often we all get together. But on occasions where we have been together, it has just been stressful and at times upsetting.

Woah! HortonWho No way would I ever suggest NC! I cannot believe you ARE insinuating such a thing! Dh can do what he wants and I will always support him in that. It upsets me to see him upset when his own mother doesnt wish him a happy birthday until he phones her at 9.30pm that night but bleats on about going away to see his sister the following day and sends him a birthday card which not only arrives late but has a p.s. Your Uncle has 2 weeks left to live and mentions none of this during the telephone call.

I am upset by you even suggesting that. As I have stated, I havent voiced any of my opinions about his family until he himself started to voice them.

Sorry but I do think your suggestion is bang out of order.

Oh don't be such a drama queen!

Your posts here are bad enough, I dread to think what you're like on facebook!

Just don't visit when SIL does. Then you and your perfect son will have the in laws all to yourselves. Problem solved!

Look your inlaws have a favourite child, it's not your dh. Why do they 'prefer' sister! Because she is needy, because she reinforces their self image, because they are codependent or liked having girl. Who knows the dysfunctional, emotionally unintelligent reason.

You either fully org article disengage. So this drama is replaced by a simple statement of when you will visit and you enjoy any good moments and dont sweat the small stuff. They won't change, you need to or it will be a grindingly awful next decade of contact.

Perhaps its because she has 2 kids who are little shits, one of which wont sleep unless with her and who screams (literally) constantly for attention and she was previously a nanny and we have just the one, no previous experience with children who is 99% of the time, extremely well behaved.

not my problem if their child is naughty and mine is good.

I'm not meaning to be unkind, but that did make me smile a little. Your child is still a baby, if he's in a walker. The SIL's are full-blown toddlers. Developmentally, there is a league between them. No, the incidents you describe don't sound great, but there are and will be moments you are a less than perfect parent yourself, especially if you have two close together, and tbh if you are as sneery to your SIL as you just were to MrsKoala then I'm not surprised she is impatient on your Facebook, and nor am I amazed that your ILs want you to stay at a hotel. It wouldn't exactly be a happy atmosphere, you both under the one roof, would it?

IL relationships can be really hard. We have all sorts of strong emotions and are forced into a family relationship with total strangers when their family dynamics are so different to those we are used to. But I think the answer here is to have your own Christmas together, DH to visit during his sister's stay, and to detach a bit emotionally yourself.

They want to see DH and DS, and your DH loves and wants to see them. That's all you should worry about, IMO. They're his family and not yours, so facilitate his contact, and dial back on your own.