to plan our visit around SIL

[cjt110]

Christmas.

SIL lives abroad and comes over with her kids and husband for approx 3 weeks and stays at MILs. We live 150 miles away and travel down. On the last 2 occasions we have stayed at a hotel because - and I quote - there is no room at the Inn.

It costs us approx £120 to £150 for a 2 night stay (£40 diesel, £60 hotel, £20 breakfast plus on one occasion we had to buy our own tea as they had dinner early).

PIL live in a 3 bed house. SIL takes up 2 spare rooms with her, her husband and the 2 children (aged 2 and 4). The room SIL stays in is big enough to "house" all 4 of them. We were suggested before "Oh just sleep on the living room floor. So we would have to wait until all go to bed, having our DS (13m) disrupted in a cot in the lounge and get up at the crack of dawn when everyone else gets up. When we went last time, SIL was particularly rude to me on a few occasions even causing raised eyebrows from MIL (who didnt say a word).

We have decided we will go down either before/after SIL visits. When we went last time, not only was she rude to me, she barely spoke a word to either of us, let her kids run riot (eg. allowing her duaghter to rifile through my handbag and run around with a steak knife in her hand - stating "Oh zipping your bag up wont stop her" No, but you moving your child and telling her not to will.

Anything I post on facebook always gets neagtive/sarky comments from her. Two recent examples, I posted a funny video of son running/walking in his walker and she commented with "I don't like walkers. Neither of my two children had them. I think they're ugly" Not adding anything to the video or anything of value. I put a status up about how after emptying a box of duplo onto the floor, that my son had tidied up each and every piece into the box. She then commented with "It wont last. Kids arent tidy" I replied with well maybe it won't but encouraging him to do it seems to work as he has been doing it more and more" Her reply was Nah. Wont last.

At christmas gone, we bought her a salt and pepper set in the shape of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. She likes Disney. We had thought about what to get her and she just went oh thanks/. Probably won't use them so I'll just sell them on ebay WTAF! She got us presents that were clearly unthought about. I asked people not to get me smellies etc as I didnt use any that were bought for me the year before and she got me a showergel - not even a set, just a single showergel and a cheap £1 diary and got DH a keyring. I dont care of the amount, it's the degree of thought that goes into a gift. There were none in those gifts. She had the cheek to ask DH should she keep an eye out for the postman when it was her birthday - she NEVER sends him a birthday card.

AIBU to avoid when she is there? We get no joy from seeing her. She doesn't interact with us when we are there and it just feels awkward trying to be polite and civil when I get more conversation and enjoyment from a plant.

Thanks everyone.

X posted - just saw updates. TBH a child's birthday is always going to be more of a priority than a wedding anniversary, even when the kids are grown, but I do take your point.

The thing is, his family won't change. They never do. And now you mention they are a different nationality, you may be dealing with cultural differences you'll never fully get to grips with, too. Again, encourage his contact, make sure he feels valued in the family you've created together, and try not to worry about it. Just be grateful you feel positive about your own family of origin - that's a bit of a gift, really. Rarer than people realise, I think.

Yanbu in your original question, to want to plan your visit round sil. And if there is a history of your pil not making as much effort with your dh and ds I understand your resentment. But:

OP - you have one 13 month old. There is nothing more bloody annoying that having a smug mother of one very young child visibly congratulating herself on being such an amazing parent. Your time to tear your hair out will come - let's hope you have the grace to look back on your former self and blush, like many of us do.
And yes - for a 13 month old, the tidying is part of the game. Less so when they are older

I used to be this smug. Patting myself on the back with what a great job we were doing with ds1. I did have empathy for those with more 'spirited' children, but honestly believed the main thing was our fantastic parenting. Then along came ds2 and I realised that that was bollocks. Sure, it's not completely irrelevant, but your child's personality has as much to do with it. And:

When you see your SILs children they are in a strange country where they don't understand the language, in a houseful of people they hardly know. I'm sure most children would play up under those circumstances

Also it's totally possible for your children to have a relationship with their cousins seeing them infrequently. My sister lives in new Zealand and our children love each other despite only seeing each other once la year.

Plus, if your pil have seen your son 4/5 times and have travelled to you once that sounds about right doesn't it? It's perfectly reasonable to share the travelling in this situation. That many visits in a year with 150 miles to travel doesn't sounds that unreasonable to me.

Pick your battles and be careful to not make issues where there really are none.

The more you post, the more I can see the snide looks and remarks you must make to your IL, and then when you get confronted and pulled up in it, your heart breaks and you just cannot believe how aggressive they all are to poor little you. And you add with it's not about you, it's about your poor DH.

Horton, not at all. I have just got past trying with SIL who just makes life difficult when we are there with her. Admittedly, perhaps I also don't help but this has bred from her awkwardness when I did genuinely make an effort. Perhaps rather than crticise and assume all sorts like how I emotionally abuse my husband, you could make some helpful suggestions? which I will genuinely take on board and consider

It's probably not a case of favouritism. I think it's more likely that the parents can see you and your DD/DH are thriving together, so generally don't feel the need to worry. While Dsis maybe is overwhelmed with motherhood/the trip and the parents can see she needs more emotional support to get through. It may have always been this way through childhood with both brothers being quite constant and ok, while the sister is more sensitive and needing emotional support.

You best bet is going so there's a day overlap. They arrive early on the day you leave late.

Good suggestion and also explanation. I hadnt ever thought of it this way before. I know for example, my mum recently said that she fusses and faffs over my brother more than us because he's a scatter brain and isnt getting along great at the mo.

I think probably when/if you have another child who happens to be more sensitive and needing more emotional support, you will understand that treating everyone the same isn't always possible despite loving everyone equally

I think it's hard when you get on the track of being the victim, to not read too much into everything. For example you are comparing a birthday message to ones child with anniversary messages to a dil. In my mind they are completely different. My Mum makes a fuss of me on my birthday and no one acknowledges anniversaries in our family. Can you compare your MILs behaviour instead to how she treated your DH on his birthday? That would be a more fair comparison.

It sounds like you and SiL don't like each other very much. I can understand why, if her children are being difficult that will be hard for her and if she is snapping at you this is hard on you.

Give each other a break. You start first. Ignore all the insulting comments. You don't agree with them so they are irrelevant.

As for the visit, anything is ok. It is Christmas and OK to spend it at home if you like. It is actually good to change your routine a bit, you might not want to do the same every year, especially as your DS gets older. You might like to invite them to your's, so the boot would be on the other foot! If they decline, well be thankful for that!

my big sister is going through a turbulent time which is taking all my parents attention/support/time. Im really glad they are supporting her but I do feel a bit sad as we have been left to it a bit.

In your shoes I'd probably give her a wide birth whilst being overly nice. She's probably going through a sticky patch and her comments are more to do with her state of mind then how she feels about you

How does she cope with parenthood? Is she feeling out of her depth? Does she need support?

I think that it's easy to see how SIL becomes the focus when she visits.

But if he wants to see his sister & her children, can you can overlap for a couple of days?

If you are there first, would they turf you all out for her to have both rooms?

I dont know about how she is. I ask, get snapped at. Take for example, we went down a few months back and she was there. She had been there a few days before we went and we'd seen no photos/comments regarding her husband. We arrived late in the evening and didn't see him and my husband asked was A not with her and she said "no" but quite sharply and bluntly so we left it at that. MIL said something about how he had chosen to stay to help with the family harvest instead. I then said something over the next few days about How she'd done great getting to the airport and having 2 flights with 2 kids - actually saying how well she'd done but not in a nasty or nice way and she made some comment about "well what else could i do"

On another occassion she came ovre and I think her DH didnt come that time too but I darent mention anything after the first time. I noted aswell on FB something one night how she was at home with the kids whilst her DH had gone to a wedding.

She used to tell me all sorts - like when they first got married and they were trying for a baby etc etc and now, it's like she's a completely different person.

Yes - I take your point MrsKoala - So SIL gets praised and the likes on her bday yet Dh gets a (late) card telling him his uncle has 2 weeks left to live. Yeah. Hmm

I really wish he'd just back down. I've had friends message me and also work colleagues saying my god, whats her issue regarding some of her comments which are uncalled for. As far as I'm aware, I havent done anything to upset her.

She posted a photo this morning of her DD napping so I have put "She must be tired after a busy few days" I am almost certain I will get a shitty reply.

Oh and DH has made it very clear after her behavior last time that he doesnt want to go down when she is there in future. His decision.

It also upsets DH or grates on him at least that his parents hop on a plane 5/6 times a year to see her (sometimes involving a 12 hour busride from one end of the country to the other when out of season) and wont drive up here which takes 3 hours.

You need to spend less time on and obsessing about Facebook.

Walter Facebook is the only means of contact we have with her. Hence why it appears a lot of useage

sjt110, I think you've reached the conclusion that visiting the ILS would be best done before or after Christmas. It is such a stressful time of year, with unrealistic expectations, and difficulties with family just get magnified. People often hope that relations will improve with time, but honestly they won't.

Avoiding Christmas day itself with them is the best thing for your little family under these circumstances. It's truly miserable to look back on Christmases year after year that you haven't enjoyed, so change that. You say you've enjoyed staying at the ILS at other times, so do that.

Look, I'm just saying you were upset because MIL commented on SILs birthday but not your anniversary.

You were upset because MIL didn't recognise your 'yummy' anniversary dinner and said as much.

You were upset that SIL said she didn't like walkers.

You were upset that she thought marmite contained beef.

You were upset that she said your baby wouldn't always tidy up...

All of that ^ from Facebook posts.

walter

You were upset because MIL didn't recognise your 'yummy' anniversary dinner and said as much. No, I was a bit miffed because she didnt even wish us a happy anniversary on that post but waffled on about the food.

You were upset that SIL said she didn't like walkers. I couldnt give atoss if she likes wlakers or not - it was that the comment was uncalled for and added nothing whatsoever to the previous posts from other people. Like having a conversation about A and suddenly going I dont like B. When the conversation is about A. Its just pointless to comment.

"You were upset that she thought marmite contained beef.^ Not upset - She was arguing with a colleague of mine whom she doesnt even know, insisting they contained beef. Showing how she seems to like to provoke people

You were upset that she said your baby wouldn't always tidy up... Again, a comment that was not needed. Yes I know he may not always tidy up but I was making a post about how he had learnt to tidy things away. No need for comments about how he might not etc etc.

I think it is safe to say your SIL's comments upset you. They are not kind but she probably has other stuff going on from the sounds of it. Ignoring them, I think is honestly the best solution, otherwise things will just escalate. Don't spend any more energy on analysing this, just don't rise to the bait so at least you know you are not contributing to the situation.

You do seem very sensitive cjt That may be because of past behaviour but all you are doing is reinforcing the dislike you are feeling towards these people to the point where anything they say and do is a slight.

Honestly, some emotional disengagement might work better for you than trying to micromanage their behaviour/conversations/comments against some internally worked up standard you've set.

"Oh and DH has made it very clear after her behavior last time that he doesnt want to go down when she is there in future."

Well then this thread is pretty pointless really.

You don't like her, your husband doesn't want to visit when she's there, so it's asked & answered!

Of course the "problem" is that he doesn't get to see his parents at Christmas for the foreseeable future, but if that doesn't matter then that's not an issue either.

The thing is, this sounds really hard on your DH. They're his family. So if you want to help him, you need to take a deep breath, a step back, alter your Facebook settings so you don't see her posts and you can screen her out of yours, and see as little of them as you can. Because your anger and hurt is just radiating, and that only adds to his situation with them. He would benefit, you all would really, if you just disengage and stop letting them upset you. They're not your family - it doesn't matter.