to plan our visit around SIL

[cjt110]

Christmas.

SIL lives abroad and comes over with her kids and husband for approx 3 weeks and stays at MILs. We live 150 miles away and travel down. On the last 2 occasions we have stayed at a hotel because - and I quote - there is no room at the Inn.

It costs us approx £120 to £150 for a 2 night stay (£40 diesel, £60 hotel, £20 breakfast plus on one occasion we had to buy our own tea as they had dinner early).

PIL live in a 3 bed house. SIL takes up 2 spare rooms with her, her husband and the 2 children (aged 2 and 4). The room SIL stays in is big enough to "house" all 4 of them. We were suggested before "Oh just sleep on the living room floor. So we would have to wait until all go to bed, having our DS (13m) disrupted in a cot in the lounge and get up at the crack of dawn when everyone else gets up. When we went last time, SIL was particularly rude to me on a few occasions even causing raised eyebrows from MIL (who didnt say a word).

We have decided we will go down either before/after SIL visits. When we went last time, not only was she rude to me, she barely spoke a word to either of us, let her kids run riot (eg. allowing her duaghter to rifile through my handbag and run around with a steak knife in her hand - stating "Oh zipping your bag up wont stop her" No, but you moving your child and telling her not to will.

Anything I post on facebook always gets neagtive/sarky comments from her. Two recent examples, I posted a funny video of son running/walking in his walker and she commented with "I don't like walkers. Neither of my two children had them. I think they're ugly" Not adding anything to the video or anything of value. I put a status up about how after emptying a box of duplo onto the floor, that my son had tidied up each and every piece into the box. She then commented with "It wont last. Kids arent tidy" I replied with well maybe it won't but encouraging him to do it seems to work as he has been doing it more and more" Her reply was Nah. Wont last.

At christmas gone, we bought her a salt and pepper set in the shape of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. She likes Disney. We had thought about what to get her and she just went oh thanks/. Probably won't use them so I'll just sell them on ebay WTAF! She got us presents that were clearly unthought about. I asked people not to get me smellies etc as I didnt use any that were bought for me the year before and she got me a showergel - not even a set, just a single showergel and a cheap £1 diary and got DH a keyring. I dont care of the amount, it's the degree of thought that goes into a gift. There were none in those gifts. She had the cheek to ask DH should she keep an eye out for the postman when it was her birthday - she NEVER sends him a birthday card.

AIBU to avoid when she is there? We get no joy from seeing her. She doesn't interact with us when we are there and it just feels awkward trying to be polite and civil when I get more conversation and enjoyment from a plant.

Ok, I've taken all comments on board. Thanks

walter You've made your point. Thanks. No need for further comments.

On the name for your grandparents thing, i must say we did have an issue with the same name. It confused the hell out of DS1 and sadly led to some quite embarrassing visits. We told him we were seeing Nana and he would run in shouting 'nana nana' then see mil and cry and say 'you aren't nana' . We've had to change fil to Grandpa because of the same thing happening with Grandad. In our case MIL insisted on being Nana despite my Mum already being Nana to him. We tried to get her to choose a different name but she dug her heels in and then got upset when he mistook her for my Mum and cried when she wasn't her. I wouldn't choose to have them use the same name and think there are enough variations to choose from.

I said if she wanted a variation she could be Grandma J and Grandad T

Unfortunately you don't get to control the thread, OP. Like you can't control people in RL.

Seems that's a habit of yours...

No, I just don't see why you are continuing to slate ,e when you've already one it at least 3.4 times. You're adding nothing more to the thread when others are actually trying to be helpful....?

I genuinely believe your life would be happier and easier if you would stop painting yourself as the victim of non-situations and stopped making a massive drama out of insignificant things.

In my experience, people who play their lives out on facebook for dramatic affect are rarely happy without drama so they themselves create it.

You never did get round to answering my question about your wedding. But since you've ignored a fair few questions on the thread I'm going to assume you're avoiding them on purpose?

We tried Nana B as a variation but it made no difference. At 1-3yo my ds (admittedly less perceptive and good at paying attention and listening than most children!) just couldn't tell the difference.

No, I njust lost the will to live reading your slating posts that werent construtive at all.

Ah faff. We shall just have to see what happens MrsKoala

I would say she is sick with envy of you!

To her you have a wonderful, problem free marriage, an easy well behaved baby that you like to brag about on Fb (no, you don't really brag about him but that is how she sees it hence the nasty snipes).

She has possibly made a huge mistake marrying into a different culture with a different language - she could easily be miserably lonely and unhappy but doesn't want to admit it, at least definitely not to you or DH as you obviously have it so good and it rubs salt into the wound. This could be why the PILs visit her so often, ime no one normally wants their parents around for long stretches when they are busy with their own family unless their own life is not full of their own busy stuff.

Anyway, whatever the reason she is being nasty and snipey. I would either get off facebook or accept that she will be shitty and ignore.

DMIL is possibly trying to balance things up by being overeffusive about anything in her life that is positive eg birthday, and playing down yours which flags up how unsuccessful her life is.

Or it could just be that DMIL favours her DD and DS over your DH - but if this is the case it ain't going to change. But life isn't cast in stone.
The DCs will grow the DPILs will age, your DSIL might become more settled and happy so I wouldn't have a show down. Just get busy with your own family and friends.

I would drive down for the day around Xmas time, driving back after DS's bedtime so he sleeps all the way home. You've done your duty, seen everyone, job done.

Walter I get that you don't like the OP. Is it really necessary to spend days making that quite so plain? Don't you think being so judgemental while posting really rather unkindly is a tad hypocritical, really?

Good luck, OP. Families are hard sometimes.

I don't know her to form an opinion on her as a person.

I can only judge her actions from what she has chosen to share on the thread.

My opinions are just those. Opinions. Nobody has to take them on board or even read them.

I can only judge her actions from what she has chosen to share on the thread.

Of course. And I can only judge yours by the same.

My opinions are just those. Opinions. Nobody has to take them on board or even read them.

Naturally. Just as you don't mine on you.

Alright then. Glad that's settled.

Well OP, this thread is useful in one way, perhaps. You know you could always have far, far worse ILs than you do, hey?

Entirely off-topic, but I thought marmite did contain meat? I thought that was why there was vegemite.

I'm veggie and have never eaten either, so I could be wrong!

Marmite is vegan.

Maybe you are thinking of Bovril kungfupanda- that's beef extract.

Op because of my own situation, I do think it's a little harsh for you to say your SIL chose her situation. I do, however, think she could be envious of you.

Marmite is really good if you're veggie - full of B vitamins! It's a yeast extract, and was originally a by-product from breweries. Don't know if that is still so.

Bovril, as another poster says, is the beefy one.

Vegemite is just the Australian version of marmite. Marmite is amazing stuff.

I still don't understand why you're worrying about the gm name when you had complete control over that situation. You could so easily explain to your mum that MIL was already grandma and so she would have to be something else. So you chose that situation and now you complain about it and blame your MIL when she had no choice in it at all.

And if you do that in one situation, who's to say you haven't done it in others, like some of your problems with SIL.

I'm sorry to go on, but it just makes no sense. And if you do that often, then all the advice would be different, and more helpful. So we do kind of need to know.

I am the queen of 'rise above it' when it comes to PILs. My PILs banned me from their house for 2 years over insulting their xmas tree and not eating battery eggs. They said if i said i had brain damage they would allow me back. They never once visited dh in the whole time i have known him. They never came to our wedding or acknowledged it. They didn't see either of dc till they were 6mo when we took them to their house. I had a traumatic birth and they threw a strop because DH didn't return their email immediately when me and ds1 were nearly dying.

BUT. I love my children (not saying you don't of course) and DH and i wanted the dc to have the opportunity to know both sets of grandparents. So i gritted my teeth and just rose above it all. I perfected some throw away comments and tinkly laughs and ignored the silliness for the 3 visits we did a year. The way i saw it i suppose is; i have torn my fanjo to shreds, gone thru what can only be described as medieval torture i didn't even know existed, ruined my career, fucked my back, hips and shoulders, given up sleep, sex and going out for these tiny little people. I reckon i can handle PILs for a few days.

You learn something every day! Marmite is vegetarian.

I still won't be going near it!

Marmite is effectively yeast poo. And so is Vegemite.
A friend here offered my then-2yo DS1 some vegemite on crackers - he licked it, made the Calvin face and refused. She wasn't offended - she said that they have to start them off on it young before they're able to refuse it so they then carry on eating it - Aussie kids are pretty much weaned on it.