to plan our visit around SIL

[cjt110]

Christmas.

SIL lives abroad and comes over with her kids and husband for approx 3 weeks and stays at MILs. We live 150 miles away and travel down. On the last 2 occasions we have stayed at a hotel because - and I quote - there is no room at the Inn.

It costs us approx £120 to £150 for a 2 night stay (£40 diesel, £60 hotel, £20 breakfast plus on one occasion we had to buy our own tea as they had dinner early).

PIL live in a 3 bed house. SIL takes up 2 spare rooms with her, her husband and the 2 children (aged 2 and 4). The room SIL stays in is big enough to "house" all 4 of them. We were suggested before "Oh just sleep on the living room floor. So we would have to wait until all go to bed, having our DS (13m) disrupted in a cot in the lounge and get up at the crack of dawn when everyone else gets up. When we went last time, SIL was particularly rude to me on a few occasions even causing raised eyebrows from MIL (who didnt say a word).

We have decided we will go down either before/after SIL visits. When we went last time, not only was she rude to me, she barely spoke a word to either of us, let her kids run riot (eg. allowing her duaghter to rifile through my handbag and run around with a steak knife in her hand - stating "Oh zipping your bag up wont stop her" No, but you moving your child and telling her not to will.

Anything I post on facebook always gets neagtive/sarky comments from her. Two recent examples, I posted a funny video of son running/walking in his walker and she commented with "I don't like walkers. Neither of my two children had them. I think they're ugly" Not adding anything to the video or anything of value. I put a status up about how after emptying a box of duplo onto the floor, that my son had tidied up each and every piece into the box. She then commented with "It wont last. Kids arent tidy" I replied with well maybe it won't but encouraging him to do it seems to work as he has been doing it more and more" Her reply was Nah. Wont last.

At christmas gone, we bought her a salt and pepper set in the shape of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. She likes Disney. We had thought about what to get her and she just went oh thanks/. Probably won't use them so I'll just sell them on ebay WTAF! She got us presents that were clearly unthought about. I asked people not to get me smellies etc as I didnt use any that were bought for me the year before and she got me a showergel - not even a set, just a single showergel and a cheap £1 diary and got DH a keyring. I dont care of the amount, it's the degree of thought that goes into a gift. There were none in those gifts. She had the cheek to ask DH should she keep an eye out for the postman when it was her birthday - she NEVER sends him a birthday card.

AIBU to avoid when she is there? We get no joy from seeing her. She doesn't interact with us when we are there and it just feels awkward trying to be polite and civil when I get more conversation and enjoyment from a plant.

OP - you have one 13 month old. There is nothing more bloody annoying that having a smug mother of one very young child visibly congratulating herself on being such an amazing parent. Your time to tear your hair out will come - let's hope you have the grace to look back on your former self and blush, like many of us do.
And yes - for a 13 month old, the tidying is part of the game. Less so when they are older.

When you see your SILs children they are in a strange country where they don't understand the language, in a houseful of people they hardly know. I'm sure most children would play up under those circumstances.

diddl he was 8/9m And it's the principle of the matter. You buy for one, you buy for all. My point was 3 GC calling her Grandma, and him being ASKED to call her different. One real way to make him feel different.

DH is the eldest of 4 brothers. DD is the eldest grandchild (there are 6, soon to be 7). She may as well not exist for all the effort DH's family makes. She'll be 5 in a couple of weeks and hasn't had a birthday/Xmas present for the past 2 years (and I'm not holding my breath this time either). None of the 4 3 and 4 bed houses in the family have room for us to stay, and I'd rather not calculate how much we've spent on hotels in order for DD to have a "relationship" with her family (they're 250-300 miles away). PIL have visited us twice in those 5 years and no longer do as they are looking after the other grandchildren 7 days and 3 nights a week, so they have no free time.

Detach detach detach. We've always gone up in Dec as our winter gathering - not this year. Fuck them.

I am with Mrs Koala here as well. Your son is 13 months old, he is not old enough to be "badly behaved". Come back to us in two years and tell us how "well behaved" he is.

A 9-month-old does not need an easter egg either. I would only get eggs for older children and would not be in the slightest offended in your position.

I suspect your SIL knows exactly what you think of her kids and that is her problem with you.

We live overseas and my kids ALWAYS play up when we visit the UK. It is part and parcel of living overseas. I am sure lots of people think my kids are "little shits", but they are not. At home they are fine, just over-excited and a bit unsettled when we travel. I think if anyone gave the impression of thinking about my kids the way you do about hers, my heckles would be well and truly raised as well.

Absolutely alibabs. Particularly your last paragraph.

My first 2 DC were generally fairly compliant, particularly in company! And actually with 1 young DC and 2 parents on hand it's fairly easy to manage any fall out...... Now I have 3DC, I don't always have time to put in the lovely side of parenting with my toddler and things like distraction techniques sometimes get left by the wayside in favour of managing one of the other DC or giving myself a little time out (by a little, I mean 30 seconds!).

I actually feel for your SIL, having done a flight of some kind with those 2 young DC by herself and staying in an unfamiliar (to the DC) house as a single parent for 3 weeks, particularly over Christmas when everyone's emotions are running high. And obviously there is a language barrier too.

I have previously told my MIL in no uncertain terms to put things that my DC3 can't touch out of reach (to a barrage of abuse!) as I can't be expected to permanently have my eyes on her and be pulling her away from what she sees as "forbidden fruit"! With my DC1 I'm sure I would have thought it a nice little opportunity to practice my distraction techniques and take turns with my DH to supervise her every move!!!

Similarly with sleeping - my DC1 slept through beautifully from 9 weeks old (7-7) in her cot. My DC3 is barely sleeping through at 2.5 years. Nothing different has been done - it is just bad bloody luck - if she would have slept in my bed I would have gladly taken that as a way of coping. And certainly while we're away from home and any of my DC have been under 3, they haven't always been happy to settle in an unfamiliar bed/cot.

But if you don't want to go and stay over Christmas don't feel obliged, just try not to come across as unsufferably smug.

She does sound a pain. Don't go at Christmas if it means fitting round them and what they want to do. I must say though I don't think I'd appreciate a Disney salt and pepper set but then I wouldn't say I'd sell it on Ebay. That was very rude indeed. I can't stand badly behaved children. And even worse are parents who think other folk should just put up and shut up. How dreadful rifling through your handbag and parents doing nothing. Give them a wide berth in future.

the "nanny/Grandma" thing could easily be explained by wanting to make it easier to tell the difference between the 2 grandmothers, but if there's a history of favouring one side over another, then it's going to be viewed with suspition.

I would just say "no thank you, we're just going to have "grandma [PIL surname] and grandma [your parent's surname]" to make it easier."

But yes, see them before Christmas, buy a thoughtless gift so it's less hurtful when they do the same (a bottle of wine or box of chocolates). Then invite them to yours, any comments about SIL not seeing her DN, just keep smiling and say "Well, the offer to come to us still stands." if SIL wants to see you, she'll visit. If PIL want to see you, they'll visit. The hard part will be not feeling the need to 'cover up' to your DH how little his family care about him and his DC.

I cant stand mine, I cannot bear her.

I would say avoid as much as you can!

Bloomin Inlaws eh? I honest do try to get along with SIl. She bought DS some lovely presents and I thanked her for them, and made sure I got photos of him wearing the clothes she had picked and "reading" the book she had bought. She then just nitpicks over each and everything. For example, I put something about marmite on facebook and she argued with a friend of mine (whom she has never met) how it most definitely contained beef. The friend she was arguing with is veggie so Im pretty sure she would know if it contained beef or not.

Have had several messages off friends asking what is her problem when she just seems to openly criticise/make comments on my photos/posts that are unduly negative etc. All I ever try to do is be kind to her and hers - wishing her a great birthday, wishing her son a fab day at school when it was her first day etc. Perhaps my crossness towards her is the brick walling I am met with when we go and visit and also the fact that she seems to just relish in making unkind comments.

Her children arent really little shits. I just dispair that she appears to let them run riot without any form of discipline or regard for anyone else.

I suppose I am resigned to the fact that my husband will forever be pushed out of the family he was once very close to.

"my husband will forever be pushed out of the family he was once very close to."

But who is doing the pushing?

my husband will forever be pushed out of the family he was once very close to
But who is doing the pushing?

I'm afraid diddl has a point. I think you should be downplaying the problems with your SIL rather than making such a big thing of it and your evidence of discrimination against your child are really feeble. The Grandma/Nanny thing is the sort of thing anyone could say as it makes sense and obviously your mother gets to be called Grandma.

I think a loving friend or spouse would try to see the good side of these situations, especially knowing that her husband already feels a bit bad and wants to be included in his family.

You wouldn't have given ds a choc egg at 9m anyway, would you? I wouldn't get any thing for a baby that age for Easter even if I were getting other older gc things. I would be thinking that there were many Easters to come.....

As for Nanny/Grandma, it seems more that she's trying to be thoughtful and considerate. She suggested it so that ds wouldn't get confused, you said; that's thoughtful. It doesn't matter what any of the call her, whether all the names are different from each section of the family as they all know who they mean. It won't be an issue unless you make it one.

Could you talk to MIL and explain that really the only way you can do Christmas at their house this year is if you can stay in a bedroom in their house? Say which days you would be able come i.e. Christmas eve to boxing day and that due to DS you will NOT be able to sleep in the living room as it is to disruptive. If that isn't possible then you're really sorry but this year you are going to have to do Christmas at home. After all it is MIL house surely it is up to her what the sleeping arrangements are not SIL.

Have a think about where you stand. If they supplied a bedroom would you want to stay, or is that not enough because actually you don't enjoy being there with SIL?

I do think you sound a little sensitive and some of the double standards examples you've given are weak.

If your DH wants a relationship with your SIL and cousins etc, I think you should consider having Christmas at home so it isn't spoiled, but visit after when SIL is still there if you get a room.

I wasn't particularly implying that OP was the one pushing away, rather that it might be the Pils rather than SIL who are causing obstructions re OP & family staying at Christmas.

OP & SIL don't get on, but it might be bearable for a couple of days/nights if you feel welcomed by PILs & have your own room that you can retreat to.

OP, you sound like a bit of a pain to be honest. Initially I had some sympathy for you but then you went on to describe her 2 and 4 year old as little shits, how misbehaved they are, that it's a problem that one of her children will only sleep with her beside them, etc compared to your so "well behaved" 13mo old. A 13mo is a baby. Babies don't know how to misbehave. You sound incredibly judgemental and high and mighty, your SIL is prob fed up of your superiority complex. I suggest that you perhaps look back in a year or two and then you might see how unreasonable you are being comparing a 13mo behaviour to that of a 2 and 4 yo. By the way, I do think allowing the child to go through a handbag is unreasonable but the running around with a steak knife is just shocking, dangerous and irresponsible.

I think you should visit before SIL arrives and then invite them down to visit you if you wish. But you both sound unreasonable.

Forgot to add - why on earth do you think your 8-9mo child at Easter should have been given an Easter egg? A baby does not need an Easter egg. YABU.

*Mrskoala"

My DS1 would go thru a handbag and no amount of telling no (hollow laugh) would stop him, i would tell you to remove it if you didn't want it touched, which i expect to be pretty obvious.

Yeah, that'd happen once here & your brat kid would be in the garden amusing itself with the bushes & dogshit.

It's also not my fault my children are 'naughty' just as i doubt it's just down to parenting that your children are 'good'. It's the luck of the draw ime.

If by "luck of the draw" you mean parents that can, then yes. You're obviously one that can't, bad luck of the draw for your kids who will doubtless pay the price later on in life when they try to interact...

Nothing wrong with describing kids as Little Shits because guess what? Some are, get over it....

OP

Do what suits You not these idiots that aren't even your problem by birth.

Fuck 'Em!!

Sorry diddl for misunderstanding, but I still think that the OP should try to downplay these situations around her husband rather than build it up.

I am looking at this from the POV of your parents in law. It is very stressful to have 4 visitors staying for three weeks. Maybe they just can't handle more on top of that?

I would NOT visit immediately before or after Christmas. Visit at Easter, when they can concentrate on your DC. Extend an invitation to SIL and family to visit you while they are over for Christmas, and leave the ball in her court.

For your own family's sake, stop with the scorekeeping. You are just making yourself and your DH miserable.

Do people REALLY think that the examples the OP has given here are the only ones that give her cause to think there are problems? I would imagine there is a whole catalogue of other relatively minor issues, and these are just the ones that stick in the OP's mind, or are most recent.

If the OP starts giving more e.g.s now, she'll be accused of Dripfeeding; if she'd put every example in her OP it would probably be pages long - try to accept that people living the situation are more aware of the constant put-downs, negative reactions, leaving-outs of certain family members, and general "othering" of their own family from the larger circle than any of us reading this will be!

I think the Xmas gift thing, you have to let go. Some people just don't put thought into gifts. That's fine.

" but I still think that the OP should try to downplay these situations around her husband rather than build it up."

I do agree with that.

I also agree with PP that after a time everything gets to you!

My husband & MIL take it in turns to phone weekly on a Sunday at about 6pm.

If I answer, she'll say "ooh, hello diddl", as if (it sounds to me) that she's surprised that I'm answering the phone because we know it's her phoning for my husband.

WTF doesn't she just say "hello diddl, how are you, how are the kids" for example?

Fucks me off everytime.

But I know that that is my problem.

It might be an idea to visit at another time, but of course OPs husband might want to see his sister & her kids when they visit.

In that case he could take his son or invite them to OPs.

I'm jealous you have the possibility of getting out of it! We have the opposite. When we visit ILs, bil and his awful family insist on squashing in. Sil clearly dislikes me and never says a word to me.

Actually after reading all your posts, I don't feel that empathic towards you.

Yes it is possible for a child to have a bond with an adult they see once for three weeks every year.

Secondly it would be rather stupid to buy an Easter egg for a small toddler

Lastly. I have 4 well behaved boys and pack/drive huge distances/unpack/have sole charge of my boys for a huge period of time while visiting my dad. It is utterly exhausting making trips to see family. I love my kids but it is easier to stay at home. There have been times when my sister has arrived with her husband and their one child. Yes of course a ratio of two adults to one child is piss easy! Yes that's great and they have a nice relaxing orderly time. However it does highlight how much I have to do on my own and how exhausted I feel despite my sons being good