Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to let exes GF collect DD?

167 replies

FishFace99 · 25/09/2015 23:38

DD is 8. Her dad and I have been separated for several years but she is still very emotional over contact. She doesn't see or hear from him between the alternate weekend contact they have and feels very much as though he can't be bothered with her. She's asked repeatedly that he visit her midweek or attend after school activities to watch once in a while but he refuses, telling her he's busy with his GF and their baby. Last week she had nightmares on three nights about her waiting for him to collect her for contact but him not coming and was so upset.

I asked on Monday what time he'd like to collect her today. He said 5. Then today he sent me a message saying it'll be his GF picking DD up because he's busy...! I said that bearing in mind DD has been extremely upset thinking he's too busy for her (which he's also witnessed) that I didn't think it was a good idea and that he could collect her whenever he was free. He said I was being ridiculous and sent his GF anyway. DD was playing in the garden when she came so I explained that it was nothing personal, and had it been pre - agreed then fine, but that I thought the sudden change of plan would do nothing to help DD feel more secure. Her dad begrudgingly made the trip to collect her himself at 7.30 but made it clear he thought I was in the wrong for not letting DD go with his GF. WIBU?

OP posts:
FartemisOwl · 25/09/2015 23:43

YANBU. Your arrangement is between you and your DD's father, not some girlfriend. I'm very unsympathetic towards parents getting new or other relationships involved in their kids lives anyway if I'm bluntly honest. It's his responsibility as a father. If he can't honour it, I wouldn't go through with it either.

DoJo · 25/09/2015 23:53

Under normal circumstances, I would say YAB a bit U, but given the issues surrounding contact at the fact that your daughter is already hugely insecure about arrangements, it sounds as though you are doing all you can to preserve her relationship with her father, whereas he seems determined to undermine it even further.

sandgrown · 26/09/2015 00:00

If he has,a baby with GF guess they have been together a while and she may become a fixture in your DD's life. If I had not collected my step DC sometimes they would not have got to see DH because he worked funny hours. I do appreciate she has been unsettled though .

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/09/2015 00:00

Honestly he sounds useless. However, your dd is old enough to know that her dad's girlfriend picking her up means she is going to see her dad. By not allowing the girlfriend to collect her you could have potentially upset your daughter more if she had realised that her dad wasn't there on time. I understand it's tricky though.

horsewalksintoabar · 26/09/2015 00:01

It depends...your DD has a little sibling and GF is the mother of this sibling so DD must know GF pretty well by now. They must have a reasonable family setting and a pretty good relationship. I'd have let GF collect DD. I think you're sending out a message to the GF, unintentionally. But you're sort of saying "I don't trust you." It's a bit divisive. What's with DD's anxiety around contact? Does she not enjoy going to her dad's?

DoreenLethal · 26/09/2015 00:01

It is his responsibility but she took time out of her day to facilitate the contact - that you are wanting to happen - do you think she has nothing better to do than waste her time?

Morganly · 26/09/2015 00:02

Also, a massive ask of the GF. If you lurk round the step-parenting boards at all, you can see how often men dump their responsibilities for their children onto their new partners. The new partners suck it up for a while when they are in the first throws of a new relationship but then all the responsibility devolves to them and they become resentful. I think you are absolutely right to emphasise that your daughter is his responsibility.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 00:05

Doreen I made it clear to him that I was not in agreement so it was him wasting her time, not me.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 26/09/2015 00:10

Just dont expect her to be bending over backwards forever.

Perhaps you could just appreciate that being a stepmother is fucking hard work, nothing is ever right and obviously as evidenced here, their time is completely disregarded by everyone. Who on earth would want that job, eh?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/09/2015 00:14

Doreen, no need for the nasty attitude.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/09/2015 00:15

He sounds like a big prick and a deadbeat dad, who says to their child they are too busy to come to see them, as they have a baby now! Yanbu at all.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 00:16

I am a stepmother Doreen. I would not arrive at my DSC home when it's been explained that mum and DD aren't happy with the dad's plans for me to collect the DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 00:19

She literally hangs off him begging him to see her more when he drops her back Areo and he smirks likes he enjoys the attention his 'playing hard to get' receives.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 26/09/2015 00:29

I am sure she had a great time, travelling on a friday there and back on a completely pointless trip.

i am sure you have your issues with the man you decided to have a child with, but it is hardly her fault for trying to facilitate the contact you are moaning isnt happening...

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/09/2015 00:37

Doreen what exactly is your problem?!

sproketmx · 26/09/2015 00:47

I don't see the problem with the gf picking her up. The real issue is her dad's lack of interest. If they have a baby together then this woman will more than likely be a fixture in her life for quite some time. My ex s gf picks up our kids if he's at work or busy but when they had a baby together I had some similar issues to yours because they were a bit jealous of the new baby.

Booyaka · 26/09/2015 00:51

I kind of get where Doreen is coming from (if put badly) but considering that she is an established girlfriend I really don't see why it should be a big deal for her to do the odd collection. And I think if the OP was prepared to work with that and reassure DD about it, it could work okay. I can't really see any safety concerns or any particularly solid or rational reason why it is so awful.

I think if it's become a big deal to DD it's probably because the OP made it one. It sounds like she is a bit of a pawn between two adults who are a bit more concerned with winning a power battle than they are what is best for her.

headexplodesbodyfreezes · 26/09/2015 00:55

I'm not getting the problem either. GF was facilitating contact. Does it really matter who does the fetching?

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 01:47

I am a stepmother Doreen. I would not arrive at my DSC home when it's been explained that mum and DD aren't happy with the dad's plans for me to collect the DC.

Perhaps she didn't know this was the case though? or if she did know, maybe she felt pressured by your ex to do it anyway.
I do agree that it was best for your ex to pick DD up as that is what your DD wanted and would have made her feel more at ease. Your ex was an arse making his poor gf pick her up!
I'm sorry I do agree with Doreen. She did put herself out and had a wasted journey. When things all settle down and you and ex could do with her help, I think she might be a little reluctant to bend over backwards, especially after today.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/09/2015 02:00

If she felt pressured it was because he put her in that position.

Not the op

Bulbasaur · 26/09/2015 02:59

If they have a baby together this seems more like a power game than genuine "concern" for your DD. Why would you make exDP come two hours later just so it could be him picking her up? I assume your child is a reasonably intelligent human and is able to figure out that the GF will be taking her to her father's place?

This woman obviously isn't new in exDP's life, and she's committed enough to stick around and have a baby. It's not like she's the latest fling that he's once again pawning his child off onto.

I know DD is having a hard time, but if you're deliberately making things harder than they have to be for contact, I wonder if you're making sure he goes out of his way on other things as well. Yes, DD's father needs to contact her more, maybe get her a cell phone then so she can text him? Surely there is some middle ground you can find instead of playing games like this.

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 06:12

Needs I did point that out in my post if you read it properly.

Onthepigsback · 26/09/2015 06:23

I also think it was a bit inconvenient and made an issue out of everything by sending the gf away. I think your energy would be better spent reassuring your daughter and helping her be happier about the fact that she was on her way to see her dad who she obviously loves and values a lot. I do understand that her father doesn't seem to be doing enough in terms of regular contact which is very sad for them both. If you have raised the issue with him I am not sure what else you can do. But adding to the stress if the fixed contact days that it seems he sticks to (?) Is helping no one.

TheStoic · 26/09/2015 06:35

I am sure she had a great time, travelling on a friday there and back on a completely pointless trip.

Then she needs to take that up with her partner.

I'd have allowed the GF to take her. I wouldn't be creating drama over it, as it sounds like he might thrive on it. I'm sure there will be other hills you will end up willing to die on, unfortunately.

icklekid · 26/09/2015 06:37

Would totally depend on dd reaction to see gf- if she likes her and would say oh good gf here let's go see my dad I'd let her go if she is resentful and would say oh is my dad not picking me up then I can understand why you didn't. I think the distance is also probably a factor here. Glad her dad did come eventually. ..your dd won't always feel as keen if he keeps up the hard to get attitude sadly Sad