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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have refused to let exes GF collect DD?

167 replies

FishFace99 · 25/09/2015 23:38

DD is 8. Her dad and I have been separated for several years but she is still very emotional over contact. She doesn't see or hear from him between the alternate weekend contact they have and feels very much as though he can't be bothered with her. She's asked repeatedly that he visit her midweek or attend after school activities to watch once in a while but he refuses, telling her he's busy with his GF and their baby. Last week she had nightmares on three nights about her waiting for him to collect her for contact but him not coming and was so upset.

I asked on Monday what time he'd like to collect her today. He said 5. Then today he sent me a message saying it'll be his GF picking DD up because he's busy...! I said that bearing in mind DD has been extremely upset thinking he's too busy for her (which he's also witnessed) that I didn't think it was a good idea and that he could collect her whenever he was free. He said I was being ridiculous and sent his GF anyway. DD was playing in the garden when she came so I explained that it was nothing personal, and had it been pre - agreed then fine, but that I thought the sudden change of plan would do nothing to help DD feel more secure. Her dad begrudgingly made the trip to collect her himself at 7.30 but made it clear he thought I was in the wrong for not letting DD go with his GF. WIBU?

OP posts:

sproketmx · 27/09/2015 05:28

I didn't say he does nothing for his kids. I said he's a shit cook who was banned from using my washing machine and she's told me about his 95 degree wash efforts with hers too. He's a shit housekeeper but he's fun dad to the kids. He just has a knack for doing a houdini when the hoover comes out but not knowing one end of a duster from the other doesn't make him a shite dad. He's also proper squeemish so I daresay she deals with all the cuts and grazes, anything with blood or vomit actually.

On a more serious note tho I can't tell you how much better it works when you get on with their other half. It makes kiddy exchanges easier, Christmas, birthdays all less awkward. I'm not saying she's my new best pal but I'm really comfortable in saying I actually know the woman involved in my kids lives and if anything happened to me i know shed be there for them. And I've looked after their baby too when mum wasn't feeling well to let her get a kip. Works both ways.

thehypocritesoaf · 27/09/2015 07:19

That's good sproke, sounds like the arrangement works well for everyone.

Lelania, I'm surprised that so many step mums have to 'step up' I suppose. What appealed to me about dh was that he has maintained a good relationship with his dc and could feed them! etc. I know my ex- dhs gf feels the same.

It does seem like there are a lot of men out there who can't manage to pick up their kids and take care of them just every other weekend but I guess that doesn't matter as there are so many women happy to do it for them.

MascaraAndConverse · 27/09/2015 08:38

Well what would the alternative be? The dad stops seeing his children? People are calling these women mugs but at the same time if they refused to lift a finger on the principle that the children aren't theirs, then they would be met with a very negative response. Remember, when you get with a man with children they become your Responsibility too, right?

thehypocritesoaf · 27/09/2015 08:45

So what we're saying is: if the gf doesn't step up then the dad won't see his children?

No I don't think you are responsible for your bfs children. I think he and dcs mum are first.

liquoricetwirl · 27/09/2015 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thehypocritesoaf · 27/09/2015 08:57

There would be far less mud slinging if some of these dads would step up and look after their own kids.

Lelania · 27/09/2015 09:55

Would the women on here not expect any new partner of theirs to take an interest in their children? Or would you be ok with a new partner refusing to make a sandwich for them on principle?

thehypocritesoaf · 27/09/2015 10:14

An interest and a sandwich? yes.
Parenting a new gfs children? Er no.

If a fella can't pick up, make meals, clear up for his dc just every other weekend then the red flags are flying.

liquoricetwirl · 27/09/2015 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MascaraAndConverse · 27/09/2015 10:29

He was at work though in the OP's scenario. It's not like he was lying in bed being lazy. We don't know whether she was happy about doing that or not and she could have reasonably said no, but at least the dad a good reason for asking her to do it other than just being lazy. It means that he could come straight home and once he gets in from work, his DD would be settled at home and they can spend a bit more time together at home rather than with her tired in the car before she has to go to bed.

MascaraAndConverse · 27/09/2015 10:33

sandgrown · 27/09/2015 10:58

I am step mum to two sets of step kids( two ex-wives).I have always done pick ups, child care and even taken them on holiday alone. They are grown up now an d we have a great relationship. I have never tried to be their mum but on the times they were at our house they were family members ,not guests ,and mucked in. If DP had to work they stayed with me. I did not have to do it but I wanted to. First ex - wife does not really speak to DP but is ok with me! We get on fine with second ex-wife and her DP . It takes effort but all the kids have done well and remain close.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/09/2015 11:15

this has turned in to an un-winnable situation for the nrp and his gf

Tutt · 27/09/2015 11:42

Wasn't it very recently you posted about making the ex take her as you couldn't cope/be bothered/ were stressed?
Didn't you say she was badly behaved towards you/her Dad/siblings?

You are enabling her and not helping. From recent posts she a very unhappy child who wants to control everything around her and have 1-1 attention 24/7.
This suggests to me that something is very, very lacking and that she is insecure and instead of you/your ex helping you are busy pointing blame, playing games and hurting her more!
Time to grow up OP, take responsibilty and stop with the game playing, if your ex can't pick her up let the GF, regardless of 'not arranging', does it matter as long as she can spend time with her Dad, her sibling?
Parenting is not a game, you get one shot and if you fuck it up then what chance has the child?

sproketmx · 27/09/2015 18:07

Sandgrown I'm sure their mum also appreciated what you did for them. Not everyone works in a 9 to 5 world and sometimes when their father has them every weekend but only gets two out of five off or works shifts you have to be flexible for the kids sakes. That means comitted partners doing pickups and childcare, switching some weekends to weekdays and special occasions or unforseeable circumstances catered for. I for one am thankful their fathers take their access seriously and their step mums help out.

totalrecall1 · 27/09/2015 18:16

I think you have issues with your ex DP and you are creating problems out of nothing as a result. WHy shouldn't his partner pick up your daughter - isn't it better that she treats her as part of the family. YABU

m1nniedriver · 27/09/2015 22:47

He was working. I presume he pays maintenence? I've picked up my SC from DPs ex (we dont get on at all) and even she doesn't sedm to have a problem with that . By treating his DP like that YOUR making problems not him or her. Clearly you weren't thinking about the poor child's needs at all, no matter how you dress it up.

I haven't read all the comments and perhaps it's been said already but would you have turned away another member of his family I.e granny, auntie, friend etc? Doubt it! Time to relieve yourself of the big chip on your sholder, for your DDs sake!

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