Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to let exes GF collect DD?

167 replies

FishFace99 · 25/09/2015 23:38

DD is 8. Her dad and I have been separated for several years but she is still very emotional over contact. She doesn't see or hear from him between the alternate weekend contact they have and feels very much as though he can't be bothered with her. She's asked repeatedly that he visit her midweek or attend after school activities to watch once in a while but he refuses, telling her he's busy with his GF and their baby. Last week she had nightmares on three nights about her waiting for him to collect her for contact but him not coming and was so upset.

I asked on Monday what time he'd like to collect her today. He said 5. Then today he sent me a message saying it'll be his GF picking DD up because he's busy...! I said that bearing in mind DD has been extremely upset thinking he's too busy for her (which he's also witnessed) that I didn't think it was a good idea and that he could collect her whenever he was free. He said I was being ridiculous and sent his GF anyway. DD was playing in the garden when she came so I explained that it was nothing personal, and had it been pre - agreed then fine, but that I thought the sudden change of plan would do nothing to help DD feel more secure. Her dad begrudgingly made the trip to collect her himself at 7.30 but made it clear he thought I was in the wrong for not letting DD go with his GF. WIBU?

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 26/09/2015 09:05

She needs to get to the point where she is OK with not having a relationship with her shit father and stops begging him for love.

How damaging.

MummaV · 26/09/2015 09:10

Having been that anxious little girl desperate for more time with her Dad and wanting to spend it with him and not with his partner and child (often without him present) I think YANBU.

I used to be a ball of anxiety waiting for the car to pull up and see who was inside. Rarely my Dad was present. It was usually my Stepmother of the moment (there have been 3) and one or more of my siblings. We would often go to their house and wait for hours for my Dad to return from work in an awkward polite, not comfortable in my house situation. When Dad finally turned up he would be monopolized by his new family(on the one day a fortnight I would be in his care for 6 hours) or distracted by work/household stuff/tv etc.
I always felt he couldn't be bothered with me. This started when I was 4. I finally went NC at 21 after realising he was inherently selfish and was toxic to me causing me all kinds of anxiety and depression.

Your DD's dad really needs to step up and realise he needs to spend this quality time with his daughter as these moments will stick in her mind for a long long time.

abigamarone · 26/09/2015 09:12

You made your daughter wait for 2 and a half hours? Because her stepmother had come to collect her. Sorry, but I'm afraid I think that's awful. However crap her father's behaviour is I don't think yours is much better in this instance. You could have minimised the effect of it being the g/f instead of him with some gentle encouragement, instead you choose to make a fuss, make her wait and alienate her to some point from her step mum.

DixieNormas · 26/09/2015 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/09/2015 09:22

Its a very sad situation, and deadbeat dad sounds like he does not give a hoot about his dd, especially now he has his own family. He does the bare minimum but that's it, nothing more. As op dd gets older, this will sink in, hopefully her expectations of this idiot will lessen. The issue is with her dad, not the GF, I personally would have let her go, but contacted dad, to tell him that he should be collecting his daughter next time, tell him to step up and be a father, as he has a little girl who loves him, and wants to spend time with him.

TheStripyGruffalo · 26/09/2015 09:35

YANBU, his girlfriend is his girlfriend and not your DD's father. Hell would freeze over before I let DD's father's girlfriend collect her.

Prettyinblue · 26/09/2015 09:39

I've just read your posting history.

There is so much going on for your DD, the GF picking her up is the least of her worries.

I imagine the relationship with your DP is far more troubling. Sort some of that shit out rather than blaming your ex for it all.

You need to have a discussion with your ex and agree the following:

  • a time for her to be picked up, be it GF or Dad then your DD knows what is happening at what time. It makes fuck all difference who picks her up as long as she knows. (It could even be 'it's going to be dad of GF' but that she knows).
  • agreement that homework is done (unless you can do it in the week, we have 7 days to do it.)
  • make handover smooth and quick. Anything difficult to be discussed another time.

Can she ring him during the week?

Oysterbabe · 26/09/2015 09:45

I think yabu.
All you've achieved is reduce the amount of contract time with her dad, annoy the girlfriend and increase hostilities with her dad.
I'd have let her go then discussed it with your ex after.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 26/09/2015 09:48

Surely you could have made up something re a surprise for dad and just let her go.

This is about control, you claim it was for her wellbeing yet she's in an unhappy home already due to her stepdad. Why is that fine by you for 99% of the time but not fine when it's the step family from her dads side. Double standards doesn't cover it.

Is there any adult that looks out for her and puts her first ?

BarbarianMum · 26/09/2015 09:58

I think it would be better for your dd for you to encourage her to form good relationships with her sibling and her dad's new partner (she's not really a girlfriend if they live together and have a child together). I can see why you did what you did but it just seems controlling tbh. Learning that she sees daddy whenever she goes to his house (no matter if it is his partner who collects her) would help her feel more secure, surely, then waiting and waiting for daddy to turn up. Do you not let your partner do things for her?

DoreenLethal · 26/09/2015 10:10

The OP was trying to get rid of her daughter just a few weeks ago to go live with the father.

Sallystyle · 26/09/2015 10:12

The GF is a part of her life now, whether you like it or not.

This really is the least of your problems, and I would have thought you would want less drama in your life. It's awful that her dad is not involved in her life as he should be, that really hurts and it is disgusting behaviour, but what you did? doesn't help matters and looks like tit for tat. Your daughter needs more contact and when that was arranged you made that difficult because it wasn't her dad who picked her up.

In what way is that a reasonable thing to do?

I think your main priority should be leaving your partner and doing something about the bullying your daughter does and her behaviour, and your youngest's behavioural problems. Stopping the gf from taking her is just wasting pointless energy and really not a hill you should die on.

YANBU, his girlfriend is his girlfriend and not your DD's father. Hell would freeze over before I let DD's father's girlfriend collect her.

Unless you have some special circumstances I don't understand this at all. My children's step mum often picked up the children, if he was running late at work or she was passing anyway. She was family and so is the GF in the op, married or not.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/09/2015 10:18

It is tit for tat, unless there is a very very good reason for GF not collecting your dd, you let her go, and minimise the distress she has to go through. Making her wait for her dad, is punishing her.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 26/09/2015 10:21

Doreen, thats a huge chunk of info the OP missed out!

Having read the other posts there is one very unhappy eight year old girl. One adult out of the four needs to step up for her before it's too late.

Numerous new siblings, lazy step dad, no money and controlled access to her biological father, poor little girl. It's little wonder her behaviour is challenging, she's quite clearly crying out for help.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/09/2015 10:23

Oh yes the other arse op is with, who is financially abusing her. How are you with that, have you left or making plans to leave him.

lighteningirl · 26/09/2015 10:24

As a lot of other posters have said time would be better spent reassuring your daughter. Whether you like it or not your dd is now part of a blended family you can try to control your exdh actions but you are unlikely to succeed. If your dd sees you and her dsm getting on and cooperating she is far more likely to be happy. That poor women was trying to do her best for her b l ended family and unfortunately all you have done is made things worse for your dd antagonize dsm and made yourself look an arse Perhaps an apology in order and maybe for a family meeting with everyone present plus a grandparent to mediate give you a chance to air your concerns and for dd to see that you are all working together f o r her benefit might help.

Shutthatdoor · 26/09/2015 10:30

I imagine the relationship with your DP is far more troubling. Sort some of that shit out rather than blaming your ex for it all.

^ this

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2015 10:40

Yabu. And not just in this one respect.

DixieNormas · 26/09/2015 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsmine · 26/09/2015 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 11:20

Who are these women who get with a man who only sees his dc occasionally and then run after them doing everything for them so they don't have to?

Bizarre. It's like they think parenting is not a job for men.

Itsmine · 26/09/2015 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 12:03

I was not 'making her wait for her dad' - there was no guarantee he'd be there and DD wouldn't be happy being there if he wasn't. I have actually suggested in the past that his GF returns her on a Sunday so DD gets an extra night there as presently he returns her on Saturday nights so he can do his hobby on Sunday morning then get drunk. This was rejected saying it's not her responsibility to ferry DD around.

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 12:06

I don't think they're bad- they're just foolish. Or perhaps in denial that they've hitched themselves to an arse.

The bad one here is a dad who can't be arsed to make time for his distressed kid.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 12:07

I clearly said earlier in the day that I was not in agreement with his GF collecting DD at such short notice, he ignored me and sent her anyway which could've potentially caused a scene and upset for DD. I offered that he could collect her whenever he's free or I could drop her off there when he's home. Yet I'm the one not trying to help!?

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread