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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to let exes GF collect DD?

167 replies

FishFace99 · 25/09/2015 23:38

DD is 8. Her dad and I have been separated for several years but she is still very emotional over contact. She doesn't see or hear from him between the alternate weekend contact they have and feels very much as though he can't be bothered with her. She's asked repeatedly that he visit her midweek or attend after school activities to watch once in a while but he refuses, telling her he's busy with his GF and their baby. Last week she had nightmares on three nights about her waiting for him to collect her for contact but him not coming and was so upset.

I asked on Monday what time he'd like to collect her today. He said 5. Then today he sent me a message saying it'll be his GF picking DD up because he's busy...! I said that bearing in mind DD has been extremely upset thinking he's too busy for her (which he's also witnessed) that I didn't think it was a good idea and that he could collect her whenever he was free. He said I was being ridiculous and sent his GF anyway. DD was playing in the garden when she came so I explained that it was nothing personal, and had it been pre - agreed then fine, but that I thought the sudden change of plan would do nothing to help DD feel more secure. Her dad begrudgingly made the trip to collect her himself at 7.30 but made it clear he thought I was in the wrong for not letting DD go with his GF. WIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 12:09

I can guarantee I'll have to peel her off him when he returns her tonight with her hysterical and begging him to tell her when he'll see her next. Then I can guarantee she'll blame me saying he says you won't let him see me more, he says he asks to see me/about me all the time. It's all bollocks.

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 26/09/2015 12:13

The hypocrite, yes the dads to blame as well but so is the OP.

Neither of them are putting their DD first, as least the GF was willing to make the effort. The child is very unhappy at home yet the OP seems to lay blame with the NRP rather than be honest about the whole situation. A childs happiness should be paramount, sadly many adults put their own wants first.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 26/09/2015 12:14

Of course she will want to spend more time with him, she sounds very unhappy with her home situation and who wants to come back to a home that does that to them?

You were sending her to live with him recently, is he open to it?

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 12:19

The gf is a fool- like many stepmum on this site who run themselves ragged after incompetent men - maybe they think the men will love them more - or maybe they think it's not a dad's role to take care of his kid just occasionally - I can't get their motivation.

I think the important think here is for the op to reassure her dd- and to try and fill her with confidence so she doesn't become another woman chasing after crumbs from lazy arse men.

lighteningirl · 26/09/2015 12:20

I am married to a man who hardly sees his dc and its not because either he or I are deadbeat foolish or arses it's because ten years of this sort of crap alienates children from their dad's. When you make it a battle, or a competition for loyalty children suffer but hey the rp has won. My dh would love to have the same close loving affectionate relationship with his dc as he does with my dc his dsc. And that their nrp my exdh has. He was an arse of epic magnitude but i tried my hardest to minimize the issues, to encourage the 3 dsm in 6 years they had to all make our blended family work.

Shutthatdoor · 26/09/2015 12:22

Of course she will want to spend more time with him, she sounds very unhappy with her home situation and who wants to come back to a home that does that to them

Very true

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 12:23

She's not unhappy at home. She's unhappy after she's seen him. When she wasn't seeing him (through his choice) she was like a different child.

OP posts:
Itsmine · 26/09/2015 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 12:26

But lightening, your dh would want to see/communicate with his dc in the week, would get involved in school projects/plays etc and would manage to turn up when arranged just once in 12 days presumably.
This dad doesn't.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2015 12:27

But why "weren't you in agreement" for his GF to collect your daughter.

You need to grow up.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 12:30

His GF has met DD about 12 times at most in the 18 months they've been together. DD isn't comfortable being looked after by her, so yes it is my business.

OP posts:
NotSoHappyBeet · 26/09/2015 12:30

Fishface having read this and your previous threads I'm confused.

How can you say dd is happy at home?

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 12:30

Yes all the women should rally round to make the rubbish men better parents.

Itsmine · 26/09/2015 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotMyMonkey · 26/09/2015 12:42

I assume ex and his gf live togethe? why were you considering sending DD to live with them a few weeks ago but now gf can't even collect Dd? Sounds a bit odd Confused

mrssmith79 · 26/09/2015 12:46

DD isn't comfortable being looked after by her, so yes it is my business

Ok so I sat on my hands last night but I've bitten this morning and read your other posts. Three weeks ago you wanted her to move in with them!!!!
Might I suggest you give your head a shake and get your act together? And stop with the twisting and manipulation of your words to garner sympathy and reinforcement from posters. You're a walking contradiction.

lighteningirl · 26/09/2015 12:46

Yes my dh would he went from 3 sch pickups a week overnight every weekend changed regularly at last minute to suit the to not allowed to see them back to regular told I wasn't allowed to see them/ days changed then finally when her new dp arrived to only once a fortnight Sunday afternoon blah blah blah.but my exdp was the once in 12 days cancelling when they were standing eagerly by door with rucksack on type I still believe they were better off with me desperately minimising what an arse he was and the relationship they now have with him in their late twenties is down to that. I have seen every side of this scenario I was a single parent for 15 years cutting a dad out unless there is real abuse is done to suit the rp

Bubblesinthesummer · 26/09/2015 12:47

Ok so I sat on my hands last night but I've bitten this morning and read your other posts. Three weeks ago you wanted her to move in with them!!!!
Might I suggest you give your head a shake and get your act together? And stop with the twisting and manipulation of your words to garner sympathy and reinforcement from posters. You're a walking contradiction.

Having read through the previous threads I agree.

DixieNormas · 26/09/2015 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2015 12:54

As a pp said she doesn't like being looked after by her step mother, or says she doesn't, as she knows you don't want her to.

How grossly hypocritic of you to expect your ex to just accept your new relationship but don't offer him the same courtesy.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2015 12:55

*hypocritical

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/09/2015 13:01

Sounds to me (from this thread and your others) that you want to be in control of him.

DixieNormas · 26/09/2015 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 26/09/2015 13:19

Yabu - you are trying to control what he does. It's none of your business what he does. Your story seems a bit contrived tbh - your dd doesn't like this, you need to deal with that etc. Etc. Stop making life difficult and just get on with it.

Frequency · 26/09/2015 13:19

Are you okay OP?

It seems like things are getting on top of you a bit. Maybe it might be an idea for you to try and get some counselling yourself? It feels to me like you're not quite sure which way is up at, which is not surprising if you've lurched from one abusive relationship to another.