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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have refused to let exes GF collect DD?

167 replies

FishFace99 · 25/09/2015 23:38

DD is 8. Her dad and I have been separated for several years but she is still very emotional over contact. She doesn't see or hear from him between the alternate weekend contact they have and feels very much as though he can't be bothered with her. She's asked repeatedly that he visit her midweek or attend after school activities to watch once in a while but he refuses, telling her he's busy with his GF and their baby. Last week she had nightmares on three nights about her waiting for him to collect her for contact but him not coming and was so upset.

I asked on Monday what time he'd like to collect her today. He said 5. Then today he sent me a message saying it'll be his GF picking DD up because he's busy...! I said that bearing in mind DD has been extremely upset thinking he's too busy for her (which he's also witnessed) that I didn't think it was a good idea and that he could collect her whenever he was free. He said I was being ridiculous and sent his GF anyway. DD was playing in the garden when she came so I explained that it was nothing personal, and had it been pre - agreed then fine, but that I thought the sudden change of plan would do nothing to help DD feel more secure. Her dad begrudgingly made the trip to collect her himself at 7.30 but made it clear he thought I was in the wrong for not letting DD go with his GF. WIBU?

OP posts:

Lelania · 26/09/2015 13:28

I don't even live with dp and on occasion have picked his children up. It's not a regular thing as he takes responsibility for his children but there have been emergencies (his exes brother in a bar accident when dp was two hours away, a mix up on dates of his exes weekend away, dp having to work late) when I have offered to take them to make things easier for them. I am glad their mum appreciates the fact I'm trying to make things easier for them and has more respect for my time than to send me away without the children.

spanisharmada · 26/09/2015 13:29

Sorry OP your intentions might be good but I don't think you are actually providing your DD with the emotional support she needs to deal with this situation at all. You only need to be supportive of her, you can't dictate how her relationship with her father and SM works. If you try to manipulate it, in her eyes you will become a part of it and that will only undermine your supportive role, and provide your ex with ammunition to blame any probs in their relationship on you.

SmugairleRoin · 26/09/2015 13:33

Yabu - I agree that the story sounds a bit contrived. I wouldn't be surprised if the dd has picked up on the tension between her parents and tears etc are due to that. I see nothing wrong with the gf doing pickup.

reni2 · 26/09/2015 13:48

I think you should start with a change in terminology. "Ex's girlfriend and their baby" makes them random hangers-on, I bet she does not call you "DP's ex-GF". She is the stepmother and the baby the brother or sister of your dd.

Increasingly, your dd will visit her brother/ sister just as much as her dad. She will be at their wedding should it happen and they at hers one day, so DSM or dad picking up dd is immaterial even if not pre-arranged. She is the one with the at the moment needier (because younger) child and she clearly tries to facilitate contact. Help her and you help your dd, spend your energy reassuring your dd.

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 13:51

Not really, step mothers are married. Why should she change her terminology?

reni2 · 26/09/2015 13:56

I think because she uses terms to make them sound less important or close to her dd than they are. The mother of her dd's sibling who by the sound of it takes over mothering her dd too is not just Ex's girlfriend. It would be like calling OP the ex-GF.

clam · 26/09/2015 14:04

Maybe the girlfriend realises he's a bit shit at this parenting lark and is trying to shield your dd from it by going out of her way to pick her up so she wasn't left hanging, and maybe had planned a way of minimising her disappointment?

sproketmx · 26/09/2015 14:07

Not all step mothers are married. My both my ex's have gfs that the kids say is their step mum. Length of time together and other comments like living together and kids makes step mum, not a bit paper and a bit jewellery. My hubby was stepdad to mine before we were married. And I was step mum to his as soon as she was born.

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 14:10

It's a bit old fashioned to say you're only a stepmum if you're married. Not everyone chooses to get married.

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 14:14

No I know that, I just don't see why the op has to refer to her ex's gf as stepmum.

clam · 26/09/2015 14:17

"My both my ex's have gfs that the kids say is their step mum"

Just because the kids say it, doesn't make it technically true or correct. A kid in my class told me recently he had a new stepdad. His mum had been going out with him for two weeks.

And there was the wonderful story (did I read it here on MN???) of the little boy who stood up at "News" time at school and said he had a new step-dad called Jeff. One of his classmates said, "Jeff? We've had 'im and he were rubbish."

MsJamieFraser · 26/09/2015 14:21

It might be an old fashioned term, but she really is not the step mum to this child, legally she has nothing to do with the child! She is the fathers GF, them having a child together does not change this fact, considering they have only been together a short while also.

OP YANBU, her seeing her father is for HER benefit, not his, and if her father not picking her up is distressing her then YANBU to state as you did.

However you really need to think about what you say on here considering your last few threads about your home situation.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/09/2015 14:22

Fucking hell, this is the least of your dd's problems.

You wanted her to live with this woman a few weeks ago, didn't you?

clam · 26/09/2015 14:34

"It's a bit old fashioned to say you're only a stepmum if you're married. Not everyone chooses to get married."

True, but it's equally true to say that there are a number of children who witness a succession of "step-parents" parading through their home who they begin to establish relationships with, and then they move on. Casual use of the term devalues the relationship, I think.

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 14:58

Actually, them having a baby together changes it completely. I'll admit, before I had DC of my own I didn't feel like we were a family. I just felt like I was living with my boyfriend and his child came over to stay regularly. They were family to each other and I never at that point ever referred to myself as stepmum, but then when our DC was born it made our family really. I can't just now turn around and say, "No that's your child. You deal with him" I don't have a legal responsibility to this child but I do have a moral one to make sure he's happy and well cared for and to help out when I can. If that means picking him up from his mum's so he can see his dad when he comes in from work, then so be it!

reni2 · 26/09/2015 15:02

Agree with Waltermittythesequel, you have much bigger problems. Don't create another one, let your dd's dsm help out if she offers.

KourtneyK · 26/09/2015 16:07

Every time you post, I feel more and more concerned for this child's emotional welfare. Poor little girl. :( She is a pawn in some fucked up game.

sproketmx · 26/09/2015 17:02

Yeh clam I get that. I just mean it's not all about marriage. My eldests dad has been with his gf 3 years and they have a 10 month old. Just because they're not married doesn't mean I will refuse to acknowledge the part she plays in looking after them while they're there. Do I think he cooks their tea? Washes their clothes? Runs their bath? No I had him first and I assure you that's all on her and I respect her for doing it despite them not being her kids. She didn't have any kids and was a step mum before she was a mum and kudos to her for stepping up.

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 18:00

So your partners gf did all the looking after his kids even before she had kids of her own and presumably was working similar hours?

Wow. Some women really are mugs aren't they?

Booyaka · 26/09/2015 18:49

OP. I really think, with what is going on with your DP at home you really, really have no right to dictate to your ex what sort of relationship his DD is having with his GF. It sounds like she has been fairly gently introduced over a pretty extended period. After all, since you split you've had 3 kids with someone pretty unpleasant and now you're breaking up. I think by comparison being picked up by the GF will be a lot less traumatic for DD. Given all the other stuff your DD is going through to add to it like this was unkind and unnecessary.

Shutthatdoor · 26/09/2015 19:33

I agree with Booyaka

sproketmx · 26/09/2015 19:47

So your partners gf did all the looking after his kids even before she had kids of her own and presumably was working similar hours?

Um no she wasn't working similar hours to his god awful nightshift back shift dayshift pattern but yes when they moved in together she stepped up for the kids when they were there and is a constant figure in their lives which actually works great because i know even if he's on some godawful shift till stupid o'clock in the morning the kids are well looked after. And she's my ex hubby's gf, not my current hubby's partner. Which would be weird. But it's nice to know everything in your world's so black and white.

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 20:00

hypocrite I highly doubt she did all of the looking after of sproket's children. But she did step up and help out and if she was happy with that then why does that make her a mug? She sounds like a lovely SM.

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 20:11

She did, she does. She stepped up when the fella was erm for various reasons unable to parent.

But sproke you wrote that he wont have done anything for his kids- and you know this because you had him first - I wonder why the kind of man who does nothing for his kids is sooo very attractive to women.

Lelania · 27/09/2015 01:56

If an exes new partner steps up and helps with looking after your kids she's a mug. What would she be of she made no effort with them and didn't take an interest in them at all? A selfish bitch I expect.

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