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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to let exes GF collect DD?

167 replies

FishFace99 · 25/09/2015 23:38

DD is 8. Her dad and I have been separated for several years but she is still very emotional over contact. She doesn't see or hear from him between the alternate weekend contact they have and feels very much as though he can't be bothered with her. She's asked repeatedly that he visit her midweek or attend after school activities to watch once in a while but he refuses, telling her he's busy with his GF and their baby. Last week she had nightmares on three nights about her waiting for him to collect her for contact but him not coming and was so upset.

I asked on Monday what time he'd like to collect her today. He said 5. Then today he sent me a message saying it'll be his GF picking DD up because he's busy...! I said that bearing in mind DD has been extremely upset thinking he's too busy for her (which he's also witnessed) that I didn't think it was a good idea and that he could collect her whenever he was free. He said I was being ridiculous and sent his GF anyway. DD was playing in the garden when she came so I explained that it was nothing personal, and had it been pre - agreed then fine, but that I thought the sudden change of plan would do nothing to help DD feel more secure. Her dad begrudgingly made the trip to collect her himself at 7.30 but made it clear he thought I was in the wrong for not letting DD go with his GF. WIBU?

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 08:01

Normal dad: yeah sorry I haven't seen her, I will pick her up later.

Normal step-mum: you haven't seen your dd for ages, you pick her up, I'm busy with work, baby, friends...

Bellemere · 26/09/2015 08:06

Wow, OP, your post history is something else. Your poor daughter Sad

StanSmithsChin · 26/09/2015 08:07

We don't know what dad was busy doing. He could have been working so it isn't unreasonable that he asked the GF to help out.
Christ I used to collect DSS from their home an hour and a half away when DH had to work because I was supportive and wanted to help not because I wasn't normal Hmm

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 08:07

Ok then thehypocritesoaf, maybe people who's children have a stepmum should refer to that then and not have their children's stepmum lift a finger then.

goawayalready · 26/09/2015 08:07

my personal opinion is that you should do more with her make her feel loved and wanted in her own home and teach her to treat dad like a bonus if he shows up great if he doesn't who cares let's do something else downplay his role in all this because expecting him to act like a devoted dad is not working throw out the disney shit and get on with your reality

he will just never be enough for her

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 08:08

That was just you being needy StanSmithsChin.

TimeToMuskUp · 26/09/2015 08:09

I agree that you're not BU. Her Dad made a commitment to his child the very second he decided to have unprotected sex with you and create a life. If he's busy with other stuff his priorities are screwed, and that's on him. If he expects you to hand over an already-upset DD (who, like most children, is probably aware that her Dad's priorities are screwed, because children are pretty astute little creatures) then he's as stupid as he sounds.

There is no commitment in the world more important than that of being a parent.

You have every right to refuse to hand her over. Step-parenting is hard. DH is a step-parent to my DS1. DS1 loves the bones of him but not once in the 8 years we've been together have I ever sent DH to collect DS1 from his Dads house when he's due to come home. He is my child, my responsibility, it's my job to be there. Nor has my Ex sent his DP to collect DS1, and I get on well with her to the point where they visit us as a family on christmas and birthdays. Your Ex would do well to remove his head from his arse and put his child first. A little more support now whilst she's young could do great things for her self-esteem.

BalloonSlayer · 26/09/2015 08:09

I'd imagine the GF was relieved/pleased not to have to pick up the DD. She probably thought it was a bit of a cheek of him too.

(My DSis loves her stepkids but it really pisses her off when, having picked up and sorted out her own DC, she then gets asked to ferry the step DC around because her partner is too busy.)

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 08:21

BalloonSlayer I can understand why your sister feels pissed off. There's helping out and then there's taking the piss. Two very different things imo. If her partner is too busy and she's busy with her DC then it would be very unreasonable to expect her to do the running around.

There have been many times where I have been more than happy to help out, but equally so there have been many times where it really isn't convenient. The times I do help out though, I don't want to be seen as trying to interfere and when it isn't convenient I don't want to be seen as being difficult or awkward.

DixieNormas · 26/09/2015 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StanSmithsChin · 26/09/2015 08:31

How do you work that out Mascara?

My willingness to support my family is now seen as needy.......and theres me thinking I was just helping because I could and was able to.
Well my needyness as you as you call it has allowed me to have a loving relationship with my SDC, a respectful one with their mother and none of the stresses and problems a lot of SM have. So I would be needy all over again toget those results.

DoreenLethal · 26/09/2015 08:32

I'd imagine the GF was relieved/pleased not to have to pick up the DD.

I'm sure that was going through her mind on the wasted trip back.

The OP is kicking the wrong person here.

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 08:32

StanSmithsChin I was being sarcastic! Grin
It was a dig at someone else! I don't think you're being needy at all.

Sorry Blush

StanSmithsChin · 26/09/2015 08:39

Oops I didn't pick up on that sorry Smile

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 08:41

DD didn't know the GF came. As far as I'm concerned, arrangements are to be agreed between ex and I and I didn't agree because I know I'd be dealing with a little girl crying about why - yet again - her dad didn't have time for her. They only live 20 mins away so for him to take hours longer to get there means he's travelled back from elsewhere and could well have been planning to spend the weekend away from DD had I let the GF take her.

OP posts:
Aridane · 26/09/2015 08:42

I agree with Doreen.

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 08:47

OP It could have been a good opportunity to develop her relationship with her SM and bond with her baby sibling without her dad there to distract her from that. Her SM is the mother of her sibling and therefore she isn't just some girlfriend. They are family and your DD is part of that family unit now that her sibling is here. You can't pretend that the SM and baby aren't her family.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 08:48

Dixie - it is not fair to put DD in the middle. Arrangements should be made between adults. However she has said repeatedly in the past that she doesn't want to go to her dad's unless he's there and was worrying for the past fortnight that he wouldn't arrive to collect her so I think I can safely say she would very much prefer for him to arrive to get her. She may well have felt obliged to go with the GF so as not to make her dad angry but it'd be me dealing with an upset DD tonight because of him not collecting her/potentially not being there for contact.

OP posts:
MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 08:50

Shit I worded that wrong!
Obviously your dd and her dad are family together, but now that the baby is here there is a new family unit that includes the baby and SM and your dd is a part of that.

StanSmithsChin · 26/09/2015 08:50

But you don't know that OP. I doubt the GF would have agreed to have DD all weekend by herself. In all honesty you are actually making up more issues on top of the very real ones that are already there.

Yes the contact arrangements are between you and him but sometimes stuff happens and plans have to be adjusted. Him not collecting her didn't cause the main issue this time you did. Had you let her go with gf she would have spent a few hours with her sibling until dad came home, it is you that made it all about daddy doesn't want you.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 08:51

Where have I said they aren't her family Mascara? I clearly said that had it been pre - arranged then I'd have no problem but changing plans last minute makes DD more anxious and feel like he can't be bothered with her. Which considering she's called this morning to say he's gone to play golf and left her with the GF, he very much doesn't seem to be.

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 26/09/2015 08:55

Whoever is closest to the exes house when it's pick up time gets the job in our family. It's either that, or the kids mum could bring them to us (that never happens). If she refused to let me pick them up I'd be slightly bemused put assume she was just being difficult and leave them to it.
Have you thought about facilitating contact by doing the drop offs?

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 08:56

My point is that when her dad isn't there, she's still ok to be there. It's her home and it isn't conditional on whether her dad is there that she's there. She's not just there to see her dad after all.

BathtimeFunkster · 26/09/2015 09:03

What is she there for if not to see her Dad?

She has a right to a relationship with this prick.

It would be better for her if she was slightly less desperate for the attention of a man who clearly doesn't give a shit about her.

"Come and sit in my house while I fuck off out playing golf" Hmm

To a child who begs for more time with you?

Angry
DixieNormas · 26/09/2015 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.