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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to let exes GF collect DD?

167 replies

FishFace99 · 25/09/2015 23:38

DD is 8. Her dad and I have been separated for several years but she is still very emotional over contact. She doesn't see or hear from him between the alternate weekend contact they have and feels very much as though he can't be bothered with her. She's asked repeatedly that he visit her midweek or attend after school activities to watch once in a while but he refuses, telling her he's busy with his GF and their baby. Last week she had nightmares on three nights about her waiting for him to collect her for contact but him not coming and was so upset.

I asked on Monday what time he'd like to collect her today. He said 5. Then today he sent me a message saying it'll be his GF picking DD up because he's busy...! I said that bearing in mind DD has been extremely upset thinking he's too busy for her (which he's also witnessed) that I didn't think it was a good idea and that he could collect her whenever he was free. He said I was being ridiculous and sent his GF anyway. DD was playing in the garden when she came so I explained that it was nothing personal, and had it been pre - agreed then fine, but that I thought the sudden change of plan would do nothing to help DD feel more secure. Her dad begrudgingly made the trip to collect her himself at 7.30 but made it clear he thought I was in the wrong for not letting DD go with his GF. WIBU?

OP posts:
kungpopanda · 26/09/2015 06:38

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TheStoic · 26/09/2015 06:43

2/10, kungpopanda.

Lucked · 26/09/2015 06:53

Yabu.

I think what you did will increase her anxiety and insecurity. She will have understood exactly what was going on. Now everyone is upset and in her mind all because of her. Then more waiting wondering if her dad will come and get her at all. You will have repercussions from this.

Don't teach him a lesson using her as a pawn. Your dd has asked for more contact and he has said no, nothing else you can do.

PotteringAlong · 26/09/2015 07:11

I get where Doreen is coming from too. This is her stepmother, not a random girlfriend. Your daughter is old enough to understand the way families work - you should have let her go. This is about you making a point to your ex, not your daughter.

mrssmith79 · 26/09/2015 07:17

I remember your thread from the other day about how much of a badly behaved, challenging (cruel?) nightmare your dd is. I'd say YWBU. Your actions seem incredibly counterproductive in that context.

DoreenLethal · 26/09/2015 07:25

Doreen what exactly is your problem?

The OP wants more contact.
The child wants more contact.
The step mother facilitates this by spending her own time travelling to faciltate contact. And gets sent away because the contact is not being initiated in the exact way that the mother requres.

A pointless waste of the stepmother's time. She probably had better things to be doing than trying to help a child see her dad.

PenelopePitstops · 26/09/2015 07:32

I think YABU. The gf is obviously a regular fixture and will naturally become part of contact. I think you are projecting your issues on to your dd which is increasing her anxiety.

She goes with gf and gets to see dad. That's all you needed to say, then wave her off with a smile.

To me, you have deliberately delayed contact, possibly due to your control issues.

scallopsrgreat · 26/09/2015 07:33

No Doreen. The child wants more contact with her father. That has never been offered by the ExH and wasn't offered in this case either.

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 07:33

Ah mrssmith is there more to this story then?

riverboat1 · 26/09/2015 07:34

I think YWBU, it just made more of a drama out if the whole thing. Would DD actually have been reluctant to get in the car with her DSM?

I sometimes pick up my DSS when DP is particularly busy or has something on, and no one has ever made it a problem. Of course he would rather his dad always picked him up because he adores him but occasionally he gets me - that's life!

Does he REALLY say he can't see her during the week because he is too busy with his GF and new baby? Or is that your/DDs interpretation of events?

goawayalready · 26/09/2015 07:34

doreen she is not a stepmother she is a girlfriend

and its not the ops fault the dad is refusing more contact with his child because in his words he wants to spend time with his girlfriend and the baby im assuming he said that in front of the child

lifeissweet · 26/09/2015 07:39

Goawayalready. They may never get married and make the Step Mother position official, but as the mother of the OP's DD's sibling she is a permanent partner to the ex. She is, therefore the step mother. It is just pedantry to suggest otherwise.

Contact now for DD is not only between Her and Her Father, but also with her new sibling. If they get to bond, then she may be slightly less inclined to feel pushed out and resentful. She needs to feel part of that family. You have effectively told her that she is not because contact is only about her father, not about her spending time with her other FAMILY. So I think yabu, but I also recognise hoe annoying this is and how crap her father is being. So you still have my sympathy.

scallopsrgreat · 26/09/2015 07:39

Haha to the 'control issue'.

Yeah trying to have a conversation with your ex about your DDs anxiety issues and doing your best to protect her is 'control issues'.

Refusing to see your DD other than every two weeks even though she wants it isn't 'control issues' then? Sending your GF to pick up your DD because your 'too busy' is all perfectly reasonable and understandable.

Women setting boundaries = control issues.

Men not facing up to there responsibilities, not engaging = reasonable.

longdiling · 26/09/2015 07:40

Did the ex really say 'no I can't see you more/come to school things because I'm too busy with my new baby and girlfriend'? Really? That's extraordinary. I'm struggling to believe a parent would say that to their young child.

exLtEveDallas · 26/09/2015 07:44

Hold on.

You don't get on with your ex.
You are trying to split up with your DP.
Your 8 year old rules the roost and bullies your 3 year old.
Your 3 year old has behavioural problems and is under assessment.

...and now you are putting the gf's back up as well.

You are really doing nothing to help yourself.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 26/09/2015 07:45

So your DD lost about two hours of contact with her dad because the wrong person picked her up? Confused

I don't see what difference it makes who picks her up so long as she sees her dad.

partialderivative · 26/09/2015 07:45

I agree with Doreen

thehypocritesoaf · 26/09/2015 07:45

Just another crap dad and another needy woman jumping in desperately trying to pretend he isn't.

goawayalready · 26/09/2015 07:47

i struggle to see why he needs a girlfriend involved at all it doesn't matter if they have a child together if he has limited contact with his child he should surely WANT to spend it with the child i don't see the rush in blending families because of more children it just leads to insecurities and situations like this one day his daughter will (most likely) tell him to fuck off then fuck off some more he will then blame the mom but really is she to blame? he is behaving like a wanker

although i do feel sorry for the girlfriend HE should never have put her in the situation its massively controlling OF HIM to insist he does things for HIS benefit and not for the CHILDS BENEFIT i mean its not like he didnt know contact was coming up

goawayalready · 26/09/2015 07:52

and yes i have had a child with a man who lost interest with a child when he had more he told her his girlfriend was now her stepmom etc all sorts of rubbish then dumped her because he didnt have time for her and his new family he hasn't seen her for 12 years totally my fault apparently because i moved house (after eight years seven with no contact from him)

why is no one listening to the child she just wants to see her dad

Ledkr · 26/09/2015 07:54

Dds step mother is the only one who bothers with dd and I sisprct some of that is the help that dd14 gives Her with their 4 dc under 5 Shock
Dd has of course noticed this and cries about it sonetimes.
She has started to distance herself and makes no real effort to see her dad and puts her friends/hobbies first.
They all get wise in the end op all you can do is try to raise a confident happy girl who can cope with her fathers disinterest the best that she can.

BathtimeFunkster · 26/09/2015 07:54

You poor daughter having a Dad like that :(

What can you do to make her less desperate to see him?

StanSmithsChin · 26/09/2015 07:55

YABU.

The GF isn't just some women he has known a week, they have a child together so I assume they live together and that your DD sees her during contact time.
Sorry OP but you are not helping your DDs anxiety surrounding contact time. You caused the issue not anyone else. Your actions will increase DDs anxiety as she will feel that YOU are not happy with contact arrangements so she can't be either. Had you just called DD in from the garden and said " xxxx has kindly come to collect you as your dad is tied up, go get your things together and you can go meet daddy" There would have been no issues as you would have reduced any stress by showing acceptance of the situation.

I am a SM and I am also in the process of a divorce, I met my exes GF last week with the DC. I wasn't bothered about meeting her but for the DC sake we all decided it was a positive step. Turns out she is lovely and she cares about my DC so I am happy. The DC are happy to see everyone get on with no stress and no arguments and at the end of the day their emotional wellbeing is top of the list.

MascaraAndConverse · 26/09/2015 07:56

Just another crap dad and another needy woman jumping in desperately trying to pretend he isn't.

This made me laugh! Another needy woman?? So going picking up your stepchild from their mum's/school/club or you know, just generally wanting to help the child feel part of the family especially now their baby sibling is here is being needy?
Needy?

I agree with Doreen. What a waste of time and effort.

Pranmasghost · 26/09/2015 07:58

I don't think yabu but perhaps you could explain to your daughter that sometimes it may be daddy's girlfriend who collects her. She lost 2 1/2 hours of time. Alternatively you could drop her off sometimes if her dad is delayed. It has to be about stress free contact for the child.