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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel sorry for myself?

202 replies

Toostressedtobeblessed · 24/09/2015 23:30

It was my birthday meal yesterday eve and my two best friends came to celebrate it with me. It was a nice eve and I'm really glad they came...

They then stayed over at mine and this morning my work had a family fun day type event. I had to get up at ridiculous o clock to get there (6ish) and the plan was they'd come to the event itself (a sports day type thing). In fairness to them it was in a big park that they'd not been to before and apparently they got on the wrong tube!

But they ended up being almost two hours late! They missed the main event (a big run) but we had a couple of hours together after. They were really apologetic but I'm so upset, I was looking forward to them kind of "representing" me there and introducing them to all my work friends but feel really let down and sad Sad

OP posts:
ToGrapefruit · 29/09/2015 00:29

It is so hard, moving your life somewhere new. Sincere best wishes x

Cake and Wine too!

Lilaclily · 29/09/2015 06:51

I think for a weekend break with friends being somewhere for nine am is a bit of a big ask tbh

Maybe use the opportunity of moving somewhere new to make new friends ?

MythicalKings · 29/09/2015 07:04

Total over reaction, OP. I think you need to let this go or you may well lose the friendships by being too needy.

I really want to let her know how I'm feeling!! I don't think it's healthy to harbour resentments like this

It's a lot less healthy to bang on about things that really aren't that important in the wider world.

kungfupannda · 29/09/2015 07:39

If you feel that you have to talk to her about the lateness, don't do it in the aftermath of your birthday.

Most adult birthdays pass without much of a fuss at all. Your friends came out in the evening and stayed over, presumably on a work night, and then came to a work event that had nothing to do with them, although they were late. That's a massive effort for a friend's birthday. If you now raise the issue of the lateness, it will be obvious you've been stewing over it.

Your friends have lives of their own. It sounds like they are good friends who make an effort for you, but your expectations are sky-high. If you move to a new city surely the point is that you meet new people and expand your social circle. You can't expect a friend to present you with a ready-made social life - just to continue being your friend, like before.

I once had a friend who had ridiculously high expectations of me - if I was doing something, she expected to be invited, no matter whether she knew the people I was going out with or not, or whether it was a general social event or something related to a specific activity. If she saw on Facebook that something had happened without her she would comment on it, making it clear that she was upset she'd been 'left out.' I finished up letting the friendship die as there was no pleasure left in it - nothing was ever enough.

You are at real risk of driving these friends away and that would be a shame. Everything doesn't have to be so high-stakes in a friendship. You are upset and embarrassed because you'd been 'going on and on' to your colleagues about them and then they turned up late. There was no need for it to be blown up into such a huge deal. 'Oh yes, my friends are coming too. They're staying over for my birthday.' Surely that's all you'd need to say about it?

laffymeal · 29/09/2015 12:03

So you're a "yeah but" op. You have no interest in constructive advice, you counter every post with your feelings and your needs. You are lucky to have any friends at all with the entitled attitude you cop.

Theycallmemellowjello · 29/09/2015 12:17

OP, you sound down and insecure. It is really hard moving to a new place. I remember feeling like this when I was younger, overthinking every aspect of the friendship. The answer, overly Californian though it sounds, is really to make peace with yourself and not worry so much about relationships with others. I think that your self esteem will improve if you take up some new activities that get you out there and meeting new people -- a sports team (there are lots of casual ones) or a club maybe? Your friendships will improve if you feel you have more of a base in your new city. I'd counsel you not to raise your resentments with your friends, and especially not by text. But have you told them that you're feeling lonely and are having a hard time? That sounds like the real issue. Good luck and rest assured that things will get better as you establish more of a life for yourself in the new city.

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 29/09/2015 12:34

Ok I'll leave it and not bring it up with them, thank you so much everyone.

The thing is i think friend B is a bit offended with me right now because she hosted a big get together for a large number of people and invited me, but when I came I felt out of place. I stayed to be polite but didn't have a good time really and didn't like her friends. In a moment of upset I let her know and she's been quite distant from me ever since (although she did make the effort to come to my bday)...

OP posts:
Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 29/09/2015 12:35

I will join more events and clubs though to meet people and branch out SmileSmile

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/09/2015 12:54

So you told her you didn't enjoy her party and didn't like her friends? Hmm No wonder she's been distant. I think you should apologise.

Anyway glad you've taken the advice on board.

PrivatePike · 29/09/2015 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrivatePike · 29/09/2015 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 29/09/2015 13:11

I can see why it wasn't a good idea now, it's just I confided in her about how down I was feeling and she mentioned the party (as if to prove how she had invited me to things) and it just came spelling out. I'm not proud of it but sometimes you hurt the people you love the most I guess

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BastardGoDarkly · 29/09/2015 13:11

Oh dear. I honestly think you need to reign in the 'get it all out there' thinking. People don't want to hear... Your party was crap, and all your friends are wankers.

Sometimes saying nothing is far better, you know, to spare feelings, avoid conflict, and generally stop people from considering you a pain in the arse.

Was there alcohol at your birthday? Nothing on gods earth would get me to an early event full of people I dont know, with a hang over!

SuperFlyHigh · 29/09/2015 13:13

Good god you really need to unclench!

I've got a good friend who a lot of time is late, she's late even though I've spoken to her about this, but when once she didn't turn up (otherside of london) I really was annoyed and told her so.... She's made much more effort to be on time since.

It's tempting to cling onto them for your social life but to be honest it's a bit odd you expect 2 friends to come along to a sporting event, is there no family willing to come down or did your friends have to take time off work to attend it?

Your late friend has apologised by text. I agree with others here treat them better or they'll back off. And maybe join meetup Groups etc to make new friends. It all sounds very intense and too full on for your two current best friends, they after all have lives of their own separate from themselves and you!

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 29/09/2015 13:14

Yeah there was alcohol at my birthday... And it was a small occasion, just a meal for a few people

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 29/09/2015 13:14

Oh I see your update. My advice still stands, I'm surprised they bothered celebrating your birthday as you were so rude about their party and friends. Ever heard of giving other people (her friends) a chance?

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 29/09/2015 13:17

I don't think it's odd to have wanted them to come? I would have done the same for them! It was a really fun event and had some cool things to do, i was hardly asking them to do anything big!!!! It was 30 quid each with all proceeds to charity, not bad for a whole day out in aid of a good cause

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/09/2015 13:18

This gets better, they had to paid £30 each to go to this event Grin

chairmeoh · 29/09/2015 13:18

Wow!

You do know that friendships are like any other relstionship - there has to be give and take on both sides.

Do you think you treat your friends the way you'd like to be treated?

How would you have felt if friend B had said she didn't enjoy the work thing and didn't like the people there?

I strongly suggest you try making new friends, widen your circle. Remember that not all friends will be 'best friends', some will be acquaintances, some might be buddies you just go to the cinema with, some are good for shopping, others for raucous nights out etc. Don't pressure them to be at your beck and call and to fulfil all your emotional needs.

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 29/09/2015 13:18

I have given her friends a chance superfly, they're just really not my type of people. I find them quite annoying and she changes when she's around them

OP posts:
Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 29/09/2015 13:19

Anotheremma they didn't pay though as they were late...

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 29/09/2015 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 29/09/2015 13:22

Really op? You complain that she hasn't done enough to make you feel happy since you moved, and tell her you didn't like her party and friends?

She is going to a class she isn't bothered about and when misses it she waits for you so she can see you, she paid £30 to go an event to support you and you are still moaning?

Honestly OP, you need to stop expecting your friends life to revolve around you and making you happy. That's not her job.

Be careful because she may decide you are too much hard work and never happy with what she does.

chairmeoh · 29/09/2015 13:22

OP, did your friends take a day off work to come to the work thing with you?

SuperFlyHigh · 29/09/2015 13:23

Look OP you'd have to be an exceptional event with an exceptional charity before I paid £30 to attend it! Shock