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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel sorry for myself?

202 replies

Toostressedtobeblessed · 24/09/2015 23:30

It was my birthday meal yesterday eve and my two best friends came to celebrate it with me. It was a nice eve and I'm really glad they came...

They then stayed over at mine and this morning my work had a family fun day type event. I had to get up at ridiculous o clock to get there (6ish) and the plan was they'd come to the event itself (a sports day type thing). In fairness to them it was in a big park that they'd not been to before and apparently they got on the wrong tube!

But they ended up being almost two hours late! They missed the main event (a big run) but we had a couple of hours together after. They were really apologetic but I'm so upset, I was looking forward to them kind of "representing" me there and introducing them to all my work friends but feel really let down and sad Sad

OP posts:
Starkswillriseagain · 28/09/2015 22:17

Perhaps if you feel that way then when you are less angry you should talk to her alone.She may apologise and agree, she may think you are being unreasonable and clingy, but at least it's out there and you can work on it.

catfordbetty · 28/09/2015 22:24

Don't expect perfection from your friends. Or they may not be your friends for very long.

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 28/09/2015 22:26

I think I will speak to her about being late and how annoyed it makes me feel, and about how I feel lonely with things as they are now. Think it will make me feel better Smile

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/09/2015 22:31

Ok - here goes:

I assume you want to keep these friends?

They celebrated your birthday and attempted to come to something else to support you too? By MISTAKE they missed the event, but hung around afterwards with you. They use have been pissed off to make this mistake with all tje the wasted time.

Yet you are still angry...? Really? Are you perfect? You are taking this way, way too personally. Phrases like : making efforts (they did...)

You come across as entitled and demanding....if you were my pal judging me, I'd be pissed off.

... I know it is irritating having constantly late friends, I have a couple-only you can judge how much you'll tolerate.... With me, I'll tolerate some lateness, I'm far from perfect! They're nice friends.

Would you prefer a less fun punctual friend?

Also, are you absolutely perfect?? Really?

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 28/09/2015 22:36

I do want to keep them iam, I will text friend B letting her know her I feel Smile

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 28/09/2015 22:40

Why do you have to tell them you're pissed off with the lateness? Let it go FFS or you'll be even lonelier than you are now, but as long as you feel better.....

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 28/09/2015 22:46

Yes but i need to get it off my chest... Perhaps not the lateness then but I'll say how hurt I feel by the fact she didn't make me a priority when I first moved to her city... I won't be accusatory, just matter of fact...

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 28/09/2015 22:50

That sounds like a great way forward if you want to ruin the friendship Confused

NameChange30 · 28/09/2015 22:50

Why should she make you a priority? She has a life and you're just one person it it.
It's actually your responsibility to get out there and be proactive about meeting people when you move to a new place. You can't expect someone to make a life for you. Take up a hobby, join a group, make an effort with new colleagues, etc.

velocitykate · 28/09/2015 22:50

so your friend is supposed to put her whole life on hold because you moved to a new city? Really?

Listen to yourself and how petulant and childish you sound. If you tell her how you feel, you won't see her for dust. Just let it go and be grateful to have such good friends.

You've got it off your chest here.

NameChange30 · 28/09/2015 22:51

Also if you need to "get it off your chest", get a counsellor so your poor friends don't have to hear it

Costacoffeeplease · 28/09/2015 22:51

I don't see how that's not going to be accusatory - if you want to keep the friendship, step away from the phone

Costacoffeeplease · 28/09/2015 22:53

Write it all out on a piece of paper - then burn it or tear it up and flush it down the loo, and move on

BackInTheRealWorld · 28/09/2015 22:57

Ooooh I think if you aren't careful you might not have to worry anymore about them not thinking you as important as you think they should think you are...
Honestly, I think you are going to fuck this up.

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 28/09/2015 23:11

Yeah ok but I'm happy to hear her side of the story too! We can both have a chat!

OP posts:
velocitykate · 28/09/2015 23:22

It will not be a cosy chat.

Leave it and grow up about 10 years if you want to remain friends.

It's like you have your hands over your ears and are going "La la la. I'm not listening"

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 28/09/2015 23:34

Ok so you wouldn't recommend saying anything at all???

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 28/09/2015 23:34

I give up

Good luck

Zucker · 28/09/2015 23:40

Do you perhaps think that they didn't really get lost but went off and had a nice morning together without you? Is that what's really bothering you? Because if you do really accept they were genuinely late, you're really overreacting IMO.

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 28/09/2015 23:42

Yeah I mean I think lateness is probably more likely but I'm just hurt they were as late as they were. I'd been at the event since 7am

OP posts:
ToGrapefruit · 28/09/2015 23:43

I'll say how hurt I feel by the fact she didn't make me a priority when I first moved to her city...

Oh, no OP! Don't do this! It's a huge amount of unfair pressure to put upon someone, to expect them to make you a priority no less, when you move into a new area. Which is your city now, to make new contacts in, new friends in etc.

I truly understand the temptation to rely on the one person you really know in a place- I moved to another country for a while and combined with massive culture shock and a language barrier was crippling loneliness. I clung to the one extended family member I knew there, rather too much! It hampered me in getting to know new people and really making a new life for myself. It must have annoyed her to pieces!

I've been in your friends position too, in another city. Too much pressure from newly arrived friend who only knew me and wanted me to be with her and help her to create a whole new life. Relentless requests for company that became like a part time job on top of a busy life- it was far too much to bear. I'm ashamed to say I feigned illness one week, as a way of having a break- and wish I'd had the courage and decency to say to her- Please, you need to back off a bit! You're my friend but I can't sustain the relationship as it is...

I envy you now- you have a new opportunity- you can do so much, meet new people, make a new life for yourself- however you want it to be! Enjoy it and use your freedom well!

Good luck OP.

MoonSandwich · 28/09/2015 23:49

I don't think you should say anything not unless you want them to stop being your friends. I think you should just leave it.
Perhaps you can try and look at ways to make more new friends in your new city. You sound too reliant on your friends.
It's a bit odd to talk of having a best friend if you are an adult.
Rather than getting it off your chest so you feel better why don't you send them a nice text thanking them for coming. That way they will feel better and so will you.

JawannaDrink · 28/09/2015 23:52

You won't have to worry about friends making an effort soon, becausecyou aren't going to have any left. This needy, demanding and judgemental behaviour sounds just isn't normal, and people just don't need that much hard work from friendships.

Neddyteddy · 28/09/2015 23:55

Being late to a run is ok if unintentional. Being late constantly is different and with talking about to her

Original poster
toostressedtobeblessed · 29/09/2015 00:03

Ok... I'll leave out the friendship but but I'll speak to her about the lateness...

Thank you for your kind words grapefruit

OP posts:
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