To expect DP not to read my text messages

[Hiddenipad]

We've been together four years. 1 DC. I have 2 DC with my ex husband, divorced 6 years ago.

DP has always disliked the fact that ex is still in my life to the degree of being pleasant at drop offs, texting re kids, being at school stuff, birthdays etc. We don't communicate for any reason other than the DC but DP has expressed his dislike of us texting/phoning each other. DP does have a jealous streak which he knows I won't pander to and it has got better over the last few years.

About a month ago the iPad went missing. We searched high and low and couldn't find it. The iPad is connected to my account and all texts from my phone also go to the iPad via iMessage.

I've just been doing a deep clean in our bedroom and found the iPad, fully charged under DPs side of the bed hidden inside a boot box. All the text messages from the last month have been read. He's clearly hidden the iPad and been checking on all the messages going to and from my phone since it went missing. If it had just happened to be under there it would've been dead by now and when switched on the messages would have said unread.

I thought something weird was going on as last night he went to bed early and ex text me to ask how a school open evening for DD had gone. I text back and said oh not bad, think we are too far out of catchment though. That was the end of the conversation. Ten minutes later DP comes downstairs and says 'oh have you spoken to ex about the open evening?' which was weird in itself. He was obviously trying to see if I would lie? about having text him.

AIBU to think this is way out of fucking line and rip his head off when he gets home? I've never done anything to make him think I am untrustworthy. Ex has a long term partner and we have both moved on.

WWYD?

When I saw the title I was about to come on say I wouldn't mind DH reading my text messages if he happened to be next to my phone when a message arrived or something like that.

But a secret iPad to check up on you??!!? That's a different story. I would be absolutely FURIOUS!

I'm with Seven, that was exactly what I thought, now I'm pissed on your behalf.

Firstly I would change the ipad settings so that texts do not get delivered there as well as your phone, then I would rip his head off it's really not on especially if you have never given him reason to suspect he cannot trust you

I would not tell him anything and wait to see if he mentions to you that the ipad is missing from his hidey place!

That's outrageous.

YADNBU!

Completely out of line. If he'd read your messages once out of a moment of paranoia/insecurity and - upon finding nothing of note - felt bad and didn't do it again I'd say that was bad but sort of understandable and forgivable. This is a baseless and ongoing deceit and shows a complete lack of trust.

That's really creepy... yuk.

shiteforbrains has the measure of it!

I wouldn't be able to help myself.

He would be an exDP now if he was mine tbh.

Seriously.

Whoah that is seriously creepy and obsessive behaviour. How dare he? What a dick.

Oh fuck. I was kind of downplaying it in my head but it really is bad isn't it.

Fucker. And there is no way he can say he hasn't been as the iPad is charged and my mate just sent me a text, i read it on my phone and then checked the iPad and it was still unread on there so he's clearly been reading my messages. Not to mention when i first picked it up it opened on my conversation thread with ex.

I'd be fucking fuming at the lack of trust and invasion of privacy. I am always up front about texting my ex, as I am sure you are.
Move the iPad (without comment). Can you stop them syncing?
I'd confront him .... ask what he intends to do to work on his trust and respect for you.

Before you do anything get yourself over to relationships. Is he abusive or controlling in any other way? I'm actually concerned about whether he's a safe person to go around. This is pretty worrying when you've given him no cause for concern and he's done this!

Is it your house? If so, id pack his stuff and message him to collect it. I couldnt live with someone who did this to me.

That's truly creepy. It's premeditated, thought out and on going. Run and don't look back. I can't abide jealousy.

I don't really want to stop them syncing! Mostly because it was handy being able to text from my iPad and why the hell should I have to?! I have nothing to hide as i'm sure he probably knows since he's been reading my bloody messages.

How do you mean controlling? He seems normal enough to me (well he did before this morning!). He doesn't hit me or anything! Financially we share everything and I have access to all the money etc. He helps out with the DC all the time and I have time for my hobbies etc.

The jealousy thing is ongoing. He constantly refers to ex and I in conversations, its hard to explain without sounding silly.

Its our house, both on the lease but in the process of buying a house together. He pays the rent/bills but I was here first and added him to the lease.

Yes, it's very bad and you need to call him on it.

I'm not sure your relationship can really go any further when he is so distrustful and deceitful, to be honest.

YANBU. I'd tear him a new one.

I'd also be furious at having turned the house upside down searching for the ipad while he pretended not to know where it was - despicable behaviour on his part.

He may have insecurity issues but that's no excuse for invading your privacy in this deceitful manner.

Fwiw, I'd want to read his emails/texts for the month before and since the ipad's been missing because it's often the case that cheaters become paranoid that they're being cheated on.

I think if he is otherwise OK, if I were in your position, after tearing him into little pieces I would insist that he goes for counselling in relation to this jealousy. I would tell him that if he doesn't, and if he refuses to accept that ex is in your own and your children's lives and you will be communicating with him indefinitely, or if there is any repetition whatsoever of this type of behaviour, you will be out of the door.

I hate this. Why can some people not accept you can move on and be perfectly pleasant with your ex? A shared history with or without children means some conversations have to happen. If they can be pleasant and without bitterness, is that not better for everyone?

I'm fuming on your behalf. That is a complete betrayal of trust. He's taken your ipad and hidden it from you for his own purposes. Breach one. Secondly he's reading all your texts. Breach two.

I'd be laying down the law, and seriously considering moving on if he cannot get over this and show some serious commitment to dealing with this issue.

What worries me most is that he's obviously seen there is nothing to be concerned about, so why is he continuing to read them? A month is long enough to have put his mind at rest.

So what are you going to do?

You can't put the iPad back in the box and let him carry on reading it. And when he sees it's gone, he's going to know you have it.

So you have to have it out with him - there's no avoiding it.

Aren't you slightly repulsed by him, as a result of this? Doesn't he seem a bit pathetic ...?

I like shite suggestion.
Maybe even more passive aggressive than that though.
Don't mention you have found the ipad.
What a tosser.
I'm not sure I could get over that level of deceit and mistrust!

That's fucked up. Even more so due to the fact you say "we both hunted high and low for it". Seriously don't buy a house with this guy.