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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP not to read my text messages

290 replies

Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 09:53

We've been together four years. 1 DC. I have 2 DC with my ex husband, divorced 6 years ago.

DP has always disliked the fact that ex is still in my life to the degree of being pleasant at drop offs, texting re kids, being at school stuff, birthdays etc. We don't communicate for any reason other than the DC but DP has expressed his dislike of us texting/phoning each other. DP does have a jealous streak which he knows I won't pander to and it has got better over the last few years.

About a month ago the iPad went missing. We searched high and low and couldn't find it. The iPad is connected to my account and all texts from my phone also go to the iPad via iMessage.

I've just been doing a deep clean in our bedroom and found the iPad, fully charged under DPs side of the bed hidden inside a boot box. All the text messages from the last month have been read. He's clearly hidden the iPad and been checking on all the messages going to and from my phone since it went missing. If it had just happened to be under there it would've been dead by now and when switched on the messages would have said unread.

I thought something weird was going on as last night he went to bed early and ex text me to ask how a school open evening for DD had gone. I text back and said oh not bad, think we are too far out of catchment though. That was the end of the conversation. Ten minutes later DP comes downstairs and says 'oh have you spoken to ex about the open evening?' which was weird in itself. He was obviously trying to see if I would lie? about having text him.

AIBU to think this is way out of fucking line and rip his head off when he gets home? I've never done anything to make him think I am untrustworthy. Ex has a long term partner and we have both moved on.

WWYD?

OP posts:
needastrongone · 27/09/2015 17:38

hidden He HID the Ipad and kept it charged though, did he explain this at all?

How do you feel about the outcome of the conversation? Do you feel you can get over this, based on what he is prepared to offer? I am wondering if he doesn't truly think there are any consequences if he doesn't agree to therapy. Are there any consequences?

It still sounds like he holds the 'power balance', for want of a better word. He plays the 'victim' but gets to hold all the cards and do nothing to change his behaviour. Which is manipulative, even if he doesn't realise it.

You know your DP best though. Flowers

DoreenLethal · 27/09/2015 17:43

If anyone else took your ipad and was monitoring your texts I suspect you would be livid. But with him, you decide to buy a house together.

Now't strange as folks.

Jux · 27/09/2015 18:19

It doesn't look that good, does it? He is taking the iPad issue in isolation - I fucked up, I'm sorry - and doesn't see the pattern of his behaviour in general, and how that fits in with it, and makes it a greater, more general issue. I suspect that will be because he doesn't want to.

What are your thoughts, Hidden? Mooching about avoiding each other obviously can't go on for long. It will end with him walking or you forgiving. Until the next time, I suppose.

Jux · 27/09/2015 18:23

Btw, that doesn't mean that you should be embarrassed about posting again. Please do continue posting, now or whenever. People are here to help primarily, to give support, to give a kick up the arse. There are critical posts and helpful posts, and well-meaning posts, and you've had some of each. Please don't let that stop you posting again if you need to.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/09/2015 18:40

He's sulking and petulant because you're not getting over this quickly enough, and moving on.

I suspect you will forgive him to restore the peace. I hope I'm wrong.

carabos · 27/09/2015 18:52

What worries me here is what he will do to reassert power. He's lost this round and that will make him very very sore indeed. He will want revenge for this OP and it won't be long coming, he's very angry. Trust me, I've been there.

FantasticButtocks · 27/09/2015 20:19

He's isolating this ipad incident as his one wrongdoing, and saying he'll just have to stop worrying about your ex. He thinks this is enough. But he is not seeing that he is addicted to these notions he has about your ex, and he's been letting this addiction of his undermine your relationship. If he did see this, perhaps he'd concede he has a problem that he might consider resolving with some professional help. At the moment he is minimising.

Pidapie · 27/09/2015 20:34

It's completely out of order, but for me it wouldn't be a case of "ltb" like many appears to think. He obviously need some help with his jealousy issue, but I'm sure you two can work it out.

RaspberryOverload · 27/09/2015 20:54

This can only be worked out if the DP fully acknowledges his jealousy problem, and so far he's failing to do this.

I asked him what he was going to do to fix it then, he said well what can I do, i'll obviously have to stop worrying, I don't see what I can do, i'll never do it again, if I do do it again then you'll have to leave me. I mentioned therapy and he said he didn't think that was necessary and that he knew he'd done something stupid and untrustworthy but he didn't need to speak to someone.

^He's brushing off therapy and appears to be unwilling to actually do anything. Sooner or later, he'll do or say something to try and twist it into OP^ having to do the fixing, when it's not at all her responsibility.

i'll never do it again, if I do do it again then you'll have to leave me

And this statement seems designed to get the OP into replying that of course she won't leave him, etc, etc, but it looks like OP dodged that one. So far.

This is his issue, he's got to take the steps to fix this and want to fix this. I don't see that here.

Grapejuicerocks · 27/09/2015 22:58

Is he contrite? It doesn't sound it really. Has he ever asked you what he needs to do to help you trust him again? He might not feel he needs therapy but he needs to acknowledge that you might need it to move on.
How much value does he put on the relationship? If he wants it to survive he has to do what he has to (therapy), regardless of whether he wants to, or feels he needs to.

He's just hoping it will blow over. He's not taking responsibility for what's happened or for fixing it. He's definitely minimising it.

InimitableJeeves · 27/09/2015 23:06

It's worrying that he's still lying about the iPad. Did you ask him why he didn't hand it over as soon as he found it allegedly two weeks ago? And of course it doesn't explain why it was fully charged.

It seems to me that if he's wandering around saying "what's the point, you'll never trust me again", that is your cue to say that you might be able to if he would get counselling.

Gruntfuttock · 27/09/2015 23:12

Kickedinthetits "He sounds really inquire"

What on earth does that mean? How can someone sound inquire?

UptownFlunk · 28/09/2015 01:19

Pretty sure that's an autocorrect fail Gruntfuttock. Confused

Fissues · 28/09/2015 05:13

Inquire = insecure?

Jengnr · 28/09/2015 05:51

So he doesn't need therapy because he knows he did wrong and won't do it again?

Thing is, he knew he was doing wrong the first time but he did it anyway. He's taking no responsibility for it either. And the level of deceit and calculating behaviour is really creepy.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/09/2015 07:33

If he could fix his jealousy himself, he surely would have done so by now. It'd make him a lot happier. I wouldn't be satisfied with his response.

AyeAmarok · 28/09/2015 08:59

I think you need to make him getting some counselling the condition of you staying together.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 28/09/2015 09:23

He sounds pathetic. And also playing a nasty manipulative game, where he doesn't actually want the outcome of a stronger more equal relationship, he's enjoying being the poor baby who needs every tiny bit of you to revolve around himself.

He wants to change the status quo even more towards himself, or split up. Those are the only two options he will contemplate.

You have to decide what you want - are you ok carrying on in the relationship dynamic he is creating? Is there any point in fighting for you to get into a more equal position in the relationship? Or the third option - splitting up. What is too much for you?

What a rubbish situation :( must be so frustrating as he's pushing you into this horrible dynamic and situation, for no reason other than his own desires to be in control. Ugh.

Only1scoop · 28/09/2015 09:29

iPads don't just go missing do they?

Does he think you are not very intelligent?

I'd be absolutely fuming.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 09:38

Something to consider is that if you had not found the iPad, he would have happily continued monitoring your texts, even though he knew it was wrong. He would never have come clean, and he would have continued to interrogate you about things in the texts. Is that a one off? That is a sustained campaign of gas lighting and lying.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 09:41

I agree he is pushing to call the shots here. Basically he is saying "yes I looked at your texts. Deal with it. Put up and shut up and get past it or we separate." He is not ever going to take actual responsibility for himself. Even the jealousy he pinned on you because you talked about your ex at some point, therefore it is your fault in his eyes.

Jux · 28/09/2015 09:47

He promises not to do it again, but immediately follows that promise with "if I do" which really implies that he probably will. He's keeping the option open in his own mind.

Grapejuicerocks · 28/09/2015 10:18

He wants to change the status quo even more towards himself, or split up. Those are the only two options he will contemplate. You have to decide what you want - are you ok carrying on in the relationship dynamic he is creating? Is there any point in fighting for you to get into a more equal position in the relationship? Or the third option - splitting up. What is too much for you?

Grapejuicerocks · 28/09/2015 10:19

yes I looked at your texts. Deal with it. Put up and shut up and get past it or we separate.

reni2 · 28/09/2015 10:24

I think part of his rehabilitation (beyond therapy) needs to be contacting and apologising to all the other people whose confidence he betrayed, the texts he read were the OP's, but also all her friends', family's, ExH's etc. He will immediately see from the YOU DID WHAT? WTF? reactions that he is not doing some minor thing here.